Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: September 15, 1989
In the cold open, Buddy is performing a magic show for…just Cassie, and he decides to saw him in half. Mr. Ernst’s reaction to this is pretty funny. After watching The Great Zamboni, a recent guest, Buddy has decided to become a magician. Zamboni had entertained the Young Buckaroos last night, but he’d also racked up a huge bill, which leads into a bit of product placement.
After the credits, while Mr. Ernst is on the phone, Ted brings Zamboni’s case to the front desk. It has magic tricks inside it, which gets Buddy excited, and the gang farts around with the magic tricks for a while.
Brad tries to make Ted disappear, which he doesn’t find amusing. Brad and Melody leave to get back to work – but not before Brad gets in a parting shot about Ted working on a disappearing act, which further pisses Ted off.
Ted looks at the “trick handcuffs” and gets an idea, which Danny doesn’t like. Ted eventually bribes Buddy (taking him into town to see “that new movie” “about the alien and the axe”) into showing him the “trick” (push in instead of pull out) to opening the handcuffs. Ted goes off, and Mr. Ernst comes back and gives an update: Zamboni hasn’t been caught yet, and he’s escaped police custody dozens of times; two days ago, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, he slipped out of police custody while still handcuffed behind his back. Mr. Ernst claims he used to be a ropes escape artist. Danny suddenly realizes something, and he and Buddy go after Ted.
Outside, Brad is pissed at Ted, who can’t get the handcuffs off. Wait, both Buddy and Ted performed the “trick” in the previous scene. Why doesn’t it work now? Danny and Buddy arrive and clue them in to the truth: the cuffs are the property of the Tulsa Police Department. Brad calls out for Lucy and drags Ted along.
Lucy inspects the “serious” handcuffs and apologizes. Brad is calming herself and makes a pretty hilarious comparison to a coyote. Basically, Ted was coyote ugly four years before the first saloon opened and eleven years before the movie came out. Mr. Ernst comes by with good news and bad news: the Tulsa Police department is sending them a key, but it won’t arrive until tomorrow morning. He also relates a humorous reason for why a locksmith won’t arrive until this afternoon. Mr. Ernst tells Brad and Ted to do their chores together and then sends Danny and Melody off to do their own chores, and they get off some parting shots at Ted and Brad as they leave. Lucy tries to tell Brad and Ted about the classic 1958 film, “The Defiant Ones“. Even though Brad hasn’t seen the film, she knows what Lucy’s getting at, but she doesn’t want a moral lesson; she just doesn’t want to commit murder. Brad drags Ted off and rejects Lucy’s advice to hold hands. Slapstick ensues.
At lunch, Ted’s idea to ward off the guests’ suspicions is to put a towel over the handcuffs. Brilliant. After some bickering, during which Brad belittles Ted by wanting to pretend he’s her trainee, they try to serve the guests water.
Later, Ted is mending a broken chair. Brad tries to tell him something, but he won’t hear it.
Mr. Ernst comes by with a hilarious continuation of the locksmith subplot, which Ted and Brad don’t find amusing. Basically, the guy won’t make it until tomorrow.
Later, Lucy tries to break the chain but can’t. She shoots down Ted’s idea of using an acetylene torch. Brad complains about Ted and tries to break the chain herself. Ted complains back at Brad. They fall on the ground, and Lucy makes fun of it.
After the commercial break, they have at meeting in Mr. Ernst’s office to work out sleeping arrangements. Melody claims Ted’s snoring already wakes them up as it is, and he’s in a different building. Danny relates a story of how his sister and her friend once took over his room for the night; the smell lasted for weeks, and he had to stain-clean the carpet.
After Lucy jokes(?) about frisking them for weapons, she leaves them alone for the night. Brad wants the bottom bunk. However, she has to sleep on her stomach, because she gets leg cramps when she sleeps on her back. Ted sends her to the top bunk, and she makes him “be a gentleman” and help her up. Ted snores, so Brad shakes her arm to wake him up.
All of the blood rushes to Brad’s hand, causing it to throb. All of the blood is draining out of Ted’s arm. Ted has to “be a gentleman” and help Brad down, so they can switch places. Ted puts the pillows on the opposite side. Guess what happens.
The next morning, at breakfast, Ted calls Melody and Danny over to ask Brad for the use of his right hand, so he can eat his cereal. Brad and Ted had agreed to not use the cuffed arms and to pretend the other doesn’t exist. Melody is amused by their fighting. Brad gives Ted thirty seconds. Melody presses Brad for more details, and Brad says Ted insisted they sleep with the lights on, and then, all through the night, he kept calling out “Fluffy!” Brad guesses it’s a stuffed toy that Ted has at home to help him get to sleep at night.
Mr. Ernst comes over and wants to know what’s going on (especially with the milk), and Ted bullshits his way through it (callback to episode 01?). Mr. Ernst informs them that the keys just came in from Tulsa, and they rush after him, Danny and Melody following.
Later, Brad comes over to Lucy, who’s annoyed by the fact that she’s just hanging out. Brad asks her about the ending of the movie and then says Ted’s been crossing his fingers and running away like Brad’s a vampire. Lucy says Brad hurt Ted. They argue over it. Lucy says Ted invites them giving him a hard time, because he’s an easy target, because he’s a good sport, because he knows they don’t mean it. Lucy says, sometimes, she doesn’t think he’s entirely sure about Brad. She thinks Brad pushed it a little too far this time. Lucy suggests apologizing to Ted, and Brad agrees. Lucy gives more “sage advice”: Brad secretly has a crush on Ted. Brad good-naturedly dismisses the idea.
Later, Ted’s fixing the chair. Brad approaches him, and Ted tries to ward her off.
Brad and Ted non-apologize to each other (that seems to be a thing with Brad on this series). We learn Ted’s history teacher, Mr. Garfield, is the most boring man alive, and Brad’s Aunt Trudy is convinced chewing raw garlic keeps her healthy. Oh, they’re discussing who their last choice to be handcuffed to would be. In sixth grade, Ted shared a locker with “the weirdest kid [that he] ever met”; he kept live mice in his clothing, and, all through class, you’d see them popping out of his shirt. Ted went to school with Steve Urkel? Brad then brings up a high school guy that sleeps with the lights on and has a stuffed teddy bear named Fluffy.
Oh, the Scotsdale police picked up Zamboni this morning, but he escaped again this afternoon.
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This episode was nice. It was good to see the Ted/Brad dynamic explored in detail. The rest of the characters pretty much revolve around them in this episode. What Lucy has to say about Ted and Brad is kind of thought-provoking. We get some interesting details of Ted and Brad’s lives back home. It seems the two of them might – just might – become friends.
I just wish the episode addressed how they went to the restroom.