Monthly Archives: August 2015

Season 2, Episode 07: Teacher’s Pest

Writer: Clifford Fagin
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: December 1, 1989

Before I get started, I want to make a quick note about Cassie. The last episode where she was mentioned in the closing credits was “Crash Landing” (season 2, episode 05). It seems the decision to stop using her was made after that episode was taped.

Also, assuming the original air dates are correct, the series took a week off, meaning two weeks passed between the previous episode and this one.

20-01-girls-poolIn the cold open, Brad is reading a letter at the pool, and Melody comes up and scares her (or not). Jeez, I hate when people do that.

Anyway, Brad’s parents sent her a letter: they want her to join them in France for the rest of the summer. I guess her parents don’t value commitment, considering they want her to quit her job. Maybe they don’t consider her job to be “real work”, or maybe they think it’s “beneath” her. We’re left to guess. The only clue is Brad doesn’t consider them to be “all that horrible”.

Anyway, Melody is ready to send Brad off, but Brad is torn about leaving the ranch (her “home”) and her friends – even Ted, who she apparently once described as “a walking zit”.

As if on cue, Ted (and Danny) pulls this shit:

20-02-Ted-pool 20-03-splash-pool 20-04-Ted-music-comicAfter the credits, on another day, Ted is rocking out to music and reading The New Mutants #84 (cover-dated Mid-December of 1989, which suggests this episode was taped in the autumn).

20-05-girls-catch-Ted 20-06-Brad-comicThe girls catch Ted, who tries to cover his ass by claiming he’s reading this and The Sensational She-Hulk #10 (cover-dated January of 1990) to be in touch with Buddy’s interests, so he can give him advice, but he quickly blows his cover story by excitedly relating the She-Hulk plot (supposedly; does it involve a giant lobster?). He then sits down, leans back, and falls over backwards. Ha, ha. Anyway, Melody seems to be into comic books. She likes the She-Hulk one.

Deliberately or not, Ted calls the girls “wise guys” after Brad had likened Ted to the Three Stooges in the cold open.

Suddenly, a woman calls out for “Theodore”, which worries Ted but confuses Melody, because she’s a dumbass. Yes, this is 100% official confirmation, after “Pain in the Neck” (season 1, episode 13) first brought it up, that Ted’s real name is Theodore.

20-07-Ted-AndrewsThe woman is “Old Lady Andrews”, Ted’s high school English teacher. Ted has lunch (I guess) with her. She’s the stereotypical nerdy, bookworm teacher.

20-08-AndrewsMiss Andrews is played by Laura Innes, who is David Brisbin’s real-life wife. They got married in 1988. This is her first of two appearances on “Hey Dude” (each time playing, presumably, different characters). She’s been acting since 1978 (although the early years are very sparse) and still acts to this day. She’s directed numerous TV episodes and even co-wrote an episode of “Hey Dude”, which we’ll get to later. Like her husband, she’s been a doctor on “ER” (albeit in many more episodes than him).

Anyway, Miss Andrews drones on about winning a church raffle (she seems to be either Catholic or Episcopalian) for a “holiday weekend” at the Bar None Ranch. Which holiday would this be? There are no apparent holidays in August. Don’t tell me that she means Labor Day, and we’re in September already. Ted would be back in school by then.

Miss Andrews drones on about ranch life and then asks about Mr. Ernst, who she has a lady-boner for.

20-09-Ernst-mittenOh, there’s this who-versus-whom grammatical thing that recurs throughout the episode. It’s not important.

20-10-guysDanny and Buddy are goofing off and throwing something, which goes right past Miss Andrews. When they come to the table, Ted makes the introductions. There’s some banter that leads into Miss Andrews singing “Home on the Range”, and let’s move on, shall we?

Ted passes Danny and Buddy off as his “junior staff”. For whatever reason, they don’t dispute it. Ted herds them out of there.

20-11-Andrews-hot 20-12-Ernst-distracted 20-13-Andrews-hot-2 20-14-Ernst-noticesWe then get a noticing-each-other sequence between Miss Andrews and Mr. Ernst that reminds me of the sequence between Melody and Bill in “Rehearsal for Romance” (season 1, episode 06).

20-15-Ted-splashes-Ernst Later, Mr. Ernst comes over to Ted while he’s cleaning at the tack room, and Ted accidentally splashes his boss with a bucket of water.

20-16-Ernst-wipesTed apologizes, but Mr. Ernst tells him to calm down. He asks Ted about Miss Andrews and admits to finding her attractive, which upsets Ted.

20-17-Ted-complainsLater, outside the boys’ bunk house (which we can clearly see is labeled Bunkhouse 7), Ted complains to Danny and Buddy, who don’t give a shit. We learn Miss Andrews once made Ted write “I’ll never be tardy again” 1,000 times on the blackboard. We also learn Ted wasn’t on the baseball team. Ted likens Miss Andrews’ presence to his mother being here. It’s hard for him to be himself. He also mentions her attraction to Mr. Ernst, which Buddy, fearing a “new mom”, doesn’t take well.

20-18-Buddy-pissed 20-19-Andrews-poolOn another day, at the pool, Ted is uncomfortable with seeing Miss Andrews in a swimsuit.

20-20-guys-poolTed complains to Danny, who finds Miss Andrews kind of hot.

20-21-Andrews-ErnstMr. Ernst comes over and is clumsy, which Miss Andrews likes, but Buddy believes she’s flirting with him, because his dad “isn’t funny”. The guys get back to pool work while Mr. Ernst entertains Miss Andrews with a lame joke.

20-22-Buddy-hits-Ted 20-23-Ted-wetBuddy accidentally knocks Ted into the swimming pool and then runs off.

20-24-Melody-guysAfter the commercial break (which, again, comes unusually early in this episode, though not as early as in the previous episode), on another day, Melody approaches Ted and Danny with the idea of writing letters to Brad’s parents in support of Brad staying at the ranch, which Melody will mail out. The guys agree, although Ted is egotistical and obnoxious about it. Also, for some reason, they’re just now hearing about Brad leaving. Danny ditches Ted when Melody asks Danny to help her with the pool chlorine.

20-25-Buddy-boxBuddy shows up, looking for Miss Andrews, but Ted guesses Mr. Ernst took her on a trail ride. Buddy is upset that his dad is spending so much time with someone that’s not his mom, and Ted is confused over the blurring of lines between teachers/girls and parents/guys.

20-26-Ted-bootsBuddy has brought his dad’s new, expensive-looking cowboy boots out here to soften them up with some saddle soap, so he won’t get blisters (callback to the series premiere). This gives Ted an idea.

20-27-spying-1Later, as Mr. Ernst and Miss Andrews return from their ride, Buddy and Ted spy on them from a tree. We get some background info on Mr. Ernst. After he graduated from accounting school, he “had a little stint with Uncle Sam” (his father’s brother, Sam Ernst, owns a hardware store). Miss Andrews says she loves hardware.

20-28-spying-220-29-flowersMr. Ernst pulls some flowers out of a pot and offers them to Miss Andrews. Y’know, I’ve seen this done before – on “Family Matters” and in Archie comics. The “Family Matters” one was particularly creepy: on the way over to Laura’s house, Steve Urkel stopped by the cemetery.

20-30-Ernst-love 20-31-Andrews-love 20-32-Ernst-hat 20-33-Buddy-gag 20-34-Ernst-pailMr. Ernst walks Miss Andrews to her room (#201) and awkwardly excuses himself. He steps in a pail. It looks like someone is currently cleaning the guest rooms or else left the stuff here.

20-35-Andrews-bootsAfter his dad leaves (still wearing the pail), Buddy arrives and gets Miss Andrews to ask him about what he’s busy with. He’s going to break in his dad’s new cowboy boots (callback to the series premiere), which involves dunking them in lots of mud, boiling them in water for an hour, and laying them out in the sun all day. Miss Andrews takes the boots and insists on doing it herself in secret. Also, the corrective English teacher mistakenly uses “I” instead of “me”.

20-36-Brad-AndrewsLater, a coworker named Vince (probably one of the crew or wranglers on the series) lets Brad into the corral, where she parks her horse. She encounters Miss Andrews (this is their only scene together, but they’ve already met) and discuss the trail ride. Miss Andrews brings up a location that Brad identifies as Indian Rock. Wait, wait, wait. Indian Rock is about five hours from Tucson by car. Mr. Ernst must have really gotten lost!

Anyway, Brad learns what Miss Andrews is about to do and that she got the idea from Buddy. As with Mr. Ernst in the series premiere, this genuine believing in the “breaking-in” process makes Miss Andrews look like an idiot.

20-37-Ernst-boots 20-38-Ted-Buddy-trouble 20-39-Andrews-glasses 20-40-Ted-Buddy-trouble-2Later, Ted and Buddy are summoned to Mr. Ernst’s office. Miss Andrews is also there. The two adults are pissed at the kids, who accept responsibility. Much like Ted does, I wonder how Mr. Ernst knew of Ted’s involvement. They certainly didn’t talk to either of them prior to this scene. Did Brad simply say “I bet Ted gave him the idea”? Ted explains his discomfort to Miss Andrews and apologizes. To his relief, Miss Andrews will call him “Ted” from now on. Buddy explains his discomfort to his dad. Mr. Ernst says Miss Andrews is “a new friend” (read: don’t expect to see her often, if ever again). Mr. Ernst and Buddy’s mom haven’t been together for quite a while, but he assures Buddy that she’ll always be his mom, and he’ll always love Buddy best.

20-41-Buddy-Ernst-hugBuddy and Ted apologize to Mr. Ernst. Buddy apologizes to Miss Andrews.

20-42-strict-AndrewsMr. Ernst and Miss Andrews try to come up with a suitable punishment, but then they start laughing, which confuses Ted.

20-43-Ernst-boot 20-44-boots-okayYeah, the boots on the desk were decoys. Mr. Ernst had found them in the barn. Nice way of tricking them, Mr. Ernst, but you’re lucky that they didn’t notice you wearing your boots while you briefly got up to walk around.

Ted learns a female coworker was involved in saving his job, and Mr. Ernst basically tells Ted to go down on her as thanks.

20-45-Brad-TedLater on, Ted comes by the corral. After a bit of playful flirting, he thanks Brad (sort of). Brad feigns ignorance. Ted gets down on his knees before the “superior one”, probably willing to give her head on command.

20-46-Brad-soaps-Ted20-47-girls-eveningThe pre-credits scene at the end, in the evening on whichever day, has Brad in a good mood, happily whistling. We learn Melody is a Guns N’ Roses fan (bit of a surprise, considering she’s a “nice” girl, but she also likes rap), and there’s a current or imminent tour. For what it’s worth, see here and here.

20-48-girls-happyBrad lets Melody in on the good news (she can stay at the ranch) and thanks Melody. Melody claims it was all about keeping her “fashion source” around. Brad quotes part of what Ted had written: “And for a girl, she’s not a bad dude.” Oh, I don’t know. I bet she’s a bad enough dude to rescue the president.

20-49-guys-listenBrad says maybe Ted’s not such a bad guy. Ted and Danny were listening in on them.

20-50-Brad-angryBrad chases them off and swears revenge against “Theodore” (complete with an angry growl).

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was nice. It’s nice to see the on-screen chemistry between a real-life husband and wife. Also, Ted and Buddy’s worries felt realistic. Brad’s subplot was barely there, but it did add a bit to her character (in the way that the others think of her) and upbringing.

Season 2, Episode 06: Ghost Stories

Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: November 17, 1989

Before I get started, I’d like to point out that this episode really ought to have aired three weeks earlier. It’s a “scary” episode, perfect for the Halloween season.

19-01-Ernst-water-1 19-02-Ernst-water-2In the cold open, much to Lucy and Danny’s confusion, Mr. Ernst is hanging upside-down and drinking water. He’s had the hiccups all day, and he’d just read an article that this is the “surefire” cure. They help him sit up when he nearly drowns himself. He thinks the hiccups are gone, but they aren’t. That’s about it.

19-03-stormAfter the credits, it’s a dark and stormy night at the Bar None Ranch. Wait, I thought Mr. Ernst said it never rains here. I’m beginning to think he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

19-04-play19-05-drawingIn the boys’ bunk house, the kids are playing “guess the drawing”, because the World Wide Web hasn’t been invented yet. For whatever reason (atmosphere?), they’ve got only one lamp on. Melody finally turns the light on after Ted brings it up.

19-06-girls-winTime’s up. The girls win and become “champions of the known universe”. Ted and Danny get into an argument over what Ted’s drawing is supposed to be: wolverine (Danny) or T-Rex (Ted).

Melody suggests a rematch, but Ted declines. He wonders if it’s bedtime yet, but it’s only 8:00 PM. Jeez, break out a board game or a deck of cards or something. It’s supposed to rain all night. Melody suggests telling ghost stories, which is what she used to do at camp when it rained. Nice little background detail on Melody. Brad hates ghost stories, because she never gets scared; she thinks they’re really stupid.

19-07-Melody-storyMelody starts telling a story, but Brad spoils the ending. Brad went to camp, too, and has “heard them all”.

19-08-captive-audience 19-09-Ted-storyTed tells a supposedly true horror story about his great-grandfather, Jack, working in a saw mill in Massachusetts in 1863. The others are initially skeptical, but they (except Brad) slowly become captivated by the story, which – props to David Lascher – is told quite well. I won’t detail the entire story or spoil the ending for you, but Ted does manage to scare the everloving fuck out of Brad.

19-10-hand 19-11-captive-audience-2 19-12-Brad-scaredAnd she gets upset at him for it. Ted explains what he did. Brad vows to get back at him. Ted says he’s been hearing and telling ghost stories since he was eight years old and can’t be scared. There’s a bit of funny horsing around by Buddy and Danny before the scene ends.

19-13-Ted-coming-inOn another dark and stormy night, Ted comes into the boys’ bunk house, exhausted. Danny’s apparently asleep already, so Ted takes off his hat and raincoat and decides to just lie down and fall asleep in his clothes.

19-14-hand-grabs-TedSuddenly, a hand comes out from under Ted’s bunk and grabs his throat.

19-15-Brad-confusedThen Jason “Leatherface” Krueger bursts through the door.

Ted claims he had Danny and Brad figured out, though, and he points out how Brad confused three horror characters (though he doesn’t mention Leatherface by name, oddly) and used a handsaw instead of a chainsaw.

Oh, and Buddy’s in this scene, too, but his sole purpose is to stand behind Brad and play a shitty “scary sounds” tape on the radio.

Brad leaves in defeat, Buddy follows her, and Danny leaves, too. Um, why? Is he going to plot their next attempt with them?

19-16-Ernst-hiccupsAfter the commercial break (which comes unusually early in this episode), Mr. Ernst passes through the breakfast area. Melody, Brad, and Danny greet him (but Ted and Buddy don’t). He still has the hiccups. Gee, that’s good to know. I’d forgotten about this little thing that apparently is officially a subplot. Ted suggests breathing into a bag.

19-17-Ted-watchedTed notices the others watching him, but Brad tries to dismiss it as Ted being vain.

19-18-eye-cerealYep, it’s “the old glass-eye-in-the-cereal gag”. I’ll take your word for it, Ted. Anyway, how does this work? First of all, Ted was already sitting with the girls at the beginning of the scene. Second, Danny and Buddy joined them at the table, so the chances of them being in on it are slim. Third, the eyeball was already visible in Ted’s cereal bowl long before he “finds” it. Fourth, when was it placed in his bowl? Did one of the girls pour his cereal and milk for him? I like to think he saw this right away and was just humoring them. Oh, right before Mr. Ernst hiccups, Brad does some kind of weird hand signal to Melody in front of Ted (it goes unexplained), but the eyeball is already in Ted’s cereal. Gah, whatever, moving on…

Brad says she knew this wouldn’t work to Melody, suggesting it was Melody’s idea. Ted points out the weakness of gags and merely startling someone. Ted suggests, to really scare somebody, create an atmosphere, make it real, and put in a little twist at the end. After Ted leaves, the girls and Danny discuss it. Melody is resigned to defeat, but Brad wants to BRING IT!

19-19-Ted-postDuring the fade to the next scene (which features a nice moment of Ted jumping over a post), a “horror” version of the theme music plays, which is a nice touch.

19-20-Melody-appleMelody had sent Ted a note (ah, the days before texting), so Ted shows up at the girls’ bunk house, where Melody is peeling an apple with a knife.

19-21-Melody-TedMelody is very secretive and brings up a story of a headless cowboy. Melody brings up the time “last year” when Ted fell off a horse and was laid up for a week. We never saw this incident.

Okay, I’m going to discuss something that I was going to wait on, but this seems like a good time. The timeline of this series is wonky. At face value, you could interpret Melody’s comment as an unseen event that happened last season or (back when we were watching it before we knew about seasons) as something that happened “last summer” (before the series started airing). It’s never made clear that there’s any significant passage of time, story-wise, between seasons. There certainly could be divisions into different summers later on – but not yet, but I’ll save that reason for the review of the episode where it becomes relevant. Suffice it to say, this is a really long, drawn-out summer (considering a single episode covers multiple days, and the second episode occurred in July, even though school lets out in late May or early June).

In the first scene in the boys’ bunk house, there is a calendar visible on the wall. You can most clearly see it when Melody leans forward briefly after Ted first brings up a real horror story. You have to watch it on DVD, though; a screencap won’t be as clear (and “clear” is relative, mind you). It’s turned to August, but the year is blacked out (probably to try to keep the time frame of the series vague). I know I’m going off a background detail in a scene on a standard-definition, shot-on-tape series, but I compared the numbering on that calendar to an online source, and it seems to be a 1990 calendar. I’m guessing those were probably already available at the time that this episode was taped (maybe), but why go through so much trouble, only to try to conceal the year? They might as well have not put a calendar up at all. All that this serves to do is muddy the timeline. By the way, in the first episode of this season, I thought I saw a calendar turned to August in the boys’ bunk house as well, but I wasn’t sure.

19-22-Melody-knife-TedAnyway, Melody mentions they had a cookout (you can tell a southerner wrote this script), they told stories, and someone told one about a headless cowboy, which she relates to Ted. Ted almost immediately picks up on what’s going on. Melody uses some loose math in calculating how long ago that the Civil War ended, and she raises her voice to signal Danny and Buddy to play the sound effects outside. Soon after she chops the apple in half with the knife, Christine Taylor stumbles over a line but keeps going. Again, I like it when stuff like this is left in, because it makes the dialogue some more realistic and less polished.

Ted tells Melody that the story is no more true than the one that he told her yesterday. Wait, what? Wasn’t that the night before last? Because we saw the first attempt to scare Ted on what seemed to be the night after the story. Granted, that’s not stated to be the case, and it would certainly seem weird to skip over an entire day and go from one stormy night to another stormy night, but then what was up with Ted coming into the boys’ bunk house in a raincoat (and different shirt) and saying he was exhausted? Did he go out to do something during the rain? I think they fucked up.

Anyway, Melody reveals the “payoff” of this story:

19-23-Melody-reveals 19-24-Brad-head19-25-Melody-stabs-Ted Despite the performance being pretty shitty, Ted applauds and praises it.

19-26-overhead-trunkAfter Ted leaves, Melody wants to admit defeat, and Danny agrees, but Brad wants to press on. Melody says they wasted time and ruined Brad’s trunk (yeah, they’re dumbasses). By the way, nice, unexpected camera angle.

19-27-Brad-trunkMelody, Danny, and Buddy abandon Brad in her quest – and also leave her trapped in her trunk.

19-28-Ernst-bagThe next day (I guess), Ted is having Mr. Ernst breathe into a paper bag, which doesn’t work, so Ted bursts the bag to scare him, which seems to do the trick. Lucy brings up how Ted’s “been doing a lot of scaring lately”, which is an exaggeration. There’s some cute banter between them.

19-29-Ernst-insaneMr. Ernst continues the “scare” theme by relating a humorous horror story involving pruning shears, which is basically his way of saying “Get back to work, slacker.”

19-30-Lucy-storyLucy relates a “true” story about the ranch. About a hundred years ago, after a dark and stormy night, everyone on the ranch was found dead in their beds. All of the doors and windows were latched from the inside. The mystery was never solved. I wonder if these were the “brutal murders” that Mr. Ernst referred to back in “Perfect Father” (season 1, episode 07), but he seems to be surprised about this story. Anyway, the mood is ruined when Mr. Ernst hiccups again. He has Lucy come with him to make sure that he doesn’t drown while he hangs upside-down and drinks some more water. He also tells Ted to try to remember to put all of the tools away this time (in case of rain), so they don’t get rusty like last time. Ted agrees but is distracted by Lucy’s story.

19-31-sign-lightningThat night (or whenever, since Ted’s wearing different clothes, but maybe he uses different work clothes and sleeping clothes) is another dark and stormy night. The screen door on the boys’ bunk house opens and slams shut in the wind (a problem that Mr. Ernst mentioned on the phone to a guest two episodes ago), and it’s keeping Ted awake. He also hears moaning.

19-32-Danny-missingTed asks Danny about it, but Danny isn’t on his bunk. Ted gets nervous, checking outside and then hearing a scraping noise, which makes him think the gang is trying to scare him again. However, Danny isn’t under the bed, and Brad isn’t in the trunk. Ted starts to get nervous and remembers Lucy’s story. He hears a noise under the floor and goes to lock the door. When he does this, a hat falls off the coat rack. It’s probably unintentional, but it does add to the uneasiness of the scene. Ted remembers more of the story, hears more of the sounds, and figures out that the killers came from under the floor. He finally can’t take it anymore and feels the need to escape.

19-33-killer-ErnstTed freaks the fuck out.

19-34-Lucy-ErnstLucy comes in, and she and Mr. Ernst explain the noises: the moaning was the wind in the roof tiles, the scratching at the window was the rake that Ted left there this afternoon, and the sound under the floor was Lucy putting the hose away. Mr. Ernst had a feeling that the tools would be left outside, and Ted apologizes. Ted doesn’t exactly admit he was scared. Lucy says Danny and Brad are out putting tarps over the hay. Ted wants them to not tell the others kids about what happened.

19-35-Danny-BradBut Brad and Danny come in at that moment and learn the truth. After teasing Ted for a bit, Brad admits Ted was right: they couldn’t scare him; the only one who could scare Ted was Ted himself.

Mr. Ernst suddenly calls for quiet. The rain is stopping, and he know longer has the hiccups. I’m so happy that this crucial subplot was given resolution. The scene ends with more “horror” theme music.

19-36-Ted-scaresThe pre-credits scene at the end, on the next day, has Lucy giving Mr. Ernst (and the teen staff and Buddy) a tour of the damage from the storm (which wasn’t much), and then Ted comes up out of the water trough in an attempt to scare them. Mr. Ernst, Danny, and Melody are dismissive of it, and Brad tells Ted that he confused the Mummy with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, which shows she does know horror films (at least, the classic Universal horror films).

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was fun and “spooky” (in a kid-friendly way), even if some things didn’t add up. If you don’t want to do anything too scary, it’d be a good addition to a light-hearted “horror” marathon on Halloween.

Season 2, Episode 05: Crash Landing

Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: November 10, 1989

18-01-Brad-rideIn the cold open, Brad is taking two guests on a breakfast ride.

18-02-instructionsMr. Ernst is hopelessly lost in trying to install a new automatic sprinkler system. He dismisses Ted’s (and the instructions’) notice that professional installation is required as a racket between the plumbers and manufacturers.

18-03-Ernst-waterAfter a dumb spitting gag, Mr. Ernst tries to dig a trench and believes he’s discovered a natural spring. He starts having visions of success and wealth.

18-04-angry-guestNah, he just destroyed the hot-water line, which pisses off showering guests. Heh.

18-05-JohnsonAfter the credits, Mr. Johnson of Johnson Plumbing leaves, having fixed the main hot-water line for the entire ranch, which Mr. Ernst had severed, at the cost of $200.

18-06-plane-approaches18-07-plane-overhead 18-08-plane-fallingMr. Ernst goes on a tirade about his manufacturer-plumber racket theory, but Ted cuts him off when he hears – and then sees – a low-flying plane that’s about to crash. This is some impressive production for a children’s/teen series.

18-09-Ernst-Ted-planeMr. Ernst sends Buddy to call for help and has Ted grab a fire extinguisher. They don’t approach the wreck out of fear of an explosion. Buddy comes over and says he couldn’t get through to EMS.

18-10-Ernst-pilotTed seemingly puts out a fire in the engine (we don’t see it), and Mr. Ernst goes to check on the pilot. The guy wakes up and is instantly worried about where his bag is. Mr. Ernst suggests they get away from the plane, but the guy says he crashed, because he ran out of gas. Mr. Ernst suggests getting him medical attention. The guy says he’s fine and gets a funny line in, and then he falls to the ground. Ted and Mr. Ernst talk for a bit about whether it’s safe to move accident victims or not.

18-11-pilot-fallsMeanwhile, the pilot got up, found his bag near the mine shaft, bent over to pick it up, and fell backwards. Buddy alerts his dad to it.

18-12-helping-pilot 18-13-mining-signAs Mr. Ernst and Ted help the pilot back to the ranch, Mr. Ernst mentions the mine shaft is thirty feet deep, and he keeps meaning to have it covered over. They seem to be insinuating this is the same mine shaft that Melody fell into in “The Competition” (season 1, episode 05), which was also written by Graham Yost, but there are differences:

05-18-Danger 05-22-Melody-screams 05-25-Melody-climbs-downThe (different) danger sign was originally in the background, and the lantern is new. Also, all of the extra wood wasn’t there before.

Anyway, the pilot is played by Mark Lang in his first or second acting gig. I really can’t tell. He voiced Ryoko’s father in an English dub of “Area 88: The Blue Skies of Betrayal”, but IMDb lists anime titles in a person’s filmography by original release year, regardless of who voiced what when. Anyway, this is his first of two appearances on “Hey Dude”, each time playing (presumably) different characters. He didn’t have much of a career. He played four different characters from 1990 to 1991 on “The Young Riders”, and he was in a 1991 direct-to-video movie called “The Black Crystal”. Oddly, he was a production driver for a 2009 movie called “Wild About Harry”.

18-14-couchThey take the pilot into the main lodge and put him on the couch. Mr. Ernst has Ted watch him (and keep him awake) and goes to call an ambulance.

18-15-Buddy-discoversMeanwhile, Buddy digs through the pilot’s bag and finds a ton of fake money. He calls Ted over to show him.

18-16-pilot-pointsThe pilot puts his hand in his pocket and makes a pointing motion, insinuating he has a gun, and has Buddy put the money back in the bag. At no point during the entire episode do we see this alleged gun.

Also, there’s a gag where Mr. Ernst is having trouble getting through to anyone on the phone, and he’s oblivious to what’s going on until…

18-17-Ted-headlock 18-18-pilot-Ted-headlock 18-19-pilot-ErnstThe pilot’s reasoning for not showing them the alleged gun is to not have to take hostage anyone that sees it. Well, isn’t he courteous?

18-20-pilot-newspaperThere’s a funny bit where the pilot gets frustrated that they don’t know who he is or what he’s done, because they don’t have a television, don’t listen to the radio, and don’t read the newspaper. Basically, yesterday, at 2:47 PM, in Flagstaff, he landed his plane on Main Street in the midst of traffic and robbed the First State Bank of $80,000. He took off in his plane before police arrived. He holed up overnight, got the morning paper, and set out for Mexico. Mr. Ernst and Ted aren’t impressed, and the pilot makes fun of the ranch. Mr. Ernst says everyone should be back for lunch at noon, so the pilot has to figure out where to put them until he can get clear of here. Mr. Ernst suggests the tack room, but Ted stupidly says Brad will find them when she gets back from her morning ride, which is what Mr. Ernst had been counting on.

18-21-Ernst-disappointedMy reaction exactly.

18-22-Ted-ashamedThe pilot puts his bag behind the front desk for the time being (why?) and requires thirty feet of rope.

18-23-pilot-canteen 18-24-guys-shaftThe pilot has Mr. Ernst, Ted, and Buddy climb down into the mine shaft. He drops down a canteen of water for them and leaves. Buddy immediately starts calling for help. Mr. Ernst says they’re “in the middle of the desert”. Maybe so, but the plane didn’t seem to go down more than maybe a few yards from the ranch area (at least, judging by the way that the crash sequence was edited).

18-25-cow-skullTed finds an animal skull, and Buddy freaks them out by saying they could end up like “Mr. Cow”.

Yeah, even the interior of the mine shaft is different. For one thing, it’s a lot more cramped. See for yourself:

05-29-Melody-despair18-26-girlsAfter the commercial break, Melody leaves the girls’ bunk house, goes over to the corral, and asks if she’s seen Ted. She hasn’t. Apparently, Ted was supposed to ride herd with a bunch of Young Buckaroos. Brad asks Melody if she’s seen Mr. Ernst. She hasn’t. He was supposed to meet her at the tack room to pick out new saddles for the riding school. Melody says Mr. Ernst is always on time.

18-27-girls-DannyDanny arrives and asks if the girls have seen Buddy. They haven’t. Buddy owes Danny a chore and was supposed to meet him at the garbage bins. Danny wonders if the three missing guys are all someplace together, but the girls are skeptical due to a perceived lack of common interests. So? They could be doing something work-related. Melody guesses they’re in Mr. Ernst’s air-conditioned office, sipping tall, cold glasses of lemonade, and this line effectively plays over the scene fade to this:

18-28-Ernst-rationsMr. Ernst is rationing the water (a cap every six hours), but Ted wants to save his rations in order to have a really big gulp a day and a half from now, which is a bad idea. Mr. Ernst starts talking about the effects of dehydration and drives himself crazy until…

18-29-Ernst-waterTed takes the canteen away from Mr. Ernst, who apologizes. Mr. Ernst asks Buddy how long that they’ve been down here, and Buddy replies sixteen minutes. Ted tries to formulate an escape plan.

18-30-girls-Danny-lodgeThe girls and Danny arrive in the main lodge and head for Mr. Ernst’s office.

18-31-pilot-caughtBrad catches the pilot, who apparently has not yet retrieved his bag sixteen minutes after leaving the guys, digging around behind the front desk.

18-32-Brad-questionsBrad questions the pilot, asking if he’s a guest.

18-33-Melody-bagUpon “learning” he is, Melody enthusiastically wants to carry his bag for him. Danny doesn’t recognize him, and the pilot says he kept mostly to his room. Melody talks about the various things to do at the ranch, but “Harry Jones” claims he’s checking out, thanks them, grabs the bag away from Melody (again), and thanks her. Brad brings up settling his bill, which some guests “forget” to do. Melody gently chastises Brad for talking to a “guest” that way. Melody, shut the fuck up. The pilot says he settled up with Mr. Ernst, which is enough to convince Melody, because it’s not like the guy could have gotten the name from anywhere (like his office door). The pilot tries to leave, but Danny asks if Mr. Ernst was alone. Melody gets upset and tries to tell them to stop. The pilot says Mr. Ernst’s “kids”/”boys” were with him and confirms the names once Danny brings them up. He tries to leave again, but Brad asks if he has any idea where they went. Melody gets pissed again. The pilot says they’re feeding the pigs. He finally leaves, and Brad and Danny aren’t exactly cheerful in their goodbyes, but guess who is.

18-34-Melody-enthusiasticShut the fuck up, Melody.

Brad says something doesn’t feel right, and Danny agrees. Melody chastises them for their treatment of the “guest”. Shut the fuck up, Melody. The so-called “guest” was getting something from behind the front desk. Even if he was a guest, it was suspicious behavior. And your punctual boss, his son, and a fellow staff member are missing.

Melody dismisses the “brothers” thing and the “pigs” (they don’t have any) thing as honest mistakes. Oh, they don’t have sheep either (Melody momentarily thinks they do). Goddess, this episode is giving Melody a dangerous case of the stupids.

18-35-Brad-registryBrad checks the guest registry for a Mr. Jones, and Melody bitches about it. Shut the fuck up, Melody.

18-36-Brad-phoneBrad doesn’t find a Mr. Jones registered this week and goes to the switchboard to call the police, and Melody bitches about it. Shut the fuck up, Melody!

18-37-pilot-points-MelodyThere’s some arguing about it. The pilot overhears it and returns, pointing through his pocket at Melody. Melody tries to explain things to “Mr. Jones”, and they go through the whole bit where the pilot answers Danny’s question of the hand-in-pocket thing by mentioning his gun, and Melody has a delayed reaction to it, and SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONIC CUNT!

18-38-Melody-horror“Oh, the horror! I totally did not see this coming! I feel so shocked and betrayed! What is this world coming to when you can’t trust a stranger snooping around in a private area?! I must question my entire life!”

The pilot finally lets Melody carry his bag as he has them go out to the mine shaft.

18-39-Buddy-climbs18-40-Ted-dirtBack in the shaft, Buddy climbs up the Dad-Ted ladder to try to reach the surface but can’t quite reach it until…

18-41-Ernst-sneezes 18-42-dirt 18-43-Buddy-shaftYeah, they seem to be implying the dirt that fell on Mr. Ernst’s face caused him to sneeze, which was just enough force to propel Buddy up. I think. Honestly, I don’t know what the point of it was. Mr. Ernst and Ted fall down, but Buddy hangs on and climbs out.

18-44-Buddy-ropeOh, and the pilot left the rope. Well, isn’t he courteous?

18-45-hostages-shaftLater, Melody freaks out when she learns the pilot’s going to put them down “the mine shaft”, which pretty much confirms this is meant to be the same shaft that Melody was in.

18-46-pilot-callsThe pilot takes his bag from Melody and calls down the shaft, not paying attention to what’s behind him.

18-47-guys-chargeCharge!

18-48-guys-charge-2 18-49-pilot-falls 18-50-Ernst-handThe pilot holds on with one hand while holding his bag with the other. He claims to have the others covered, but Mr. Ernst points out that he totally doesn’t. Mr. Ernst tells the pilot to drop his bag and grab his hand. The pilot refuses. Mr. Ernst pleads with him. The pilot, dumbass that he is, lets go of his hold on the ground and tries to grab Mr. Ernst’s hand but falls down the shaft. He’s not okay, much to Mr. Ernst’s delight.

18-51-Ernst-phoneThe pre-credits scene at the end, on the next day, has Mr. Ernst on the phone with the police department, which is issuing all of them a special commendation. Mr. Ernst personally congratulates Brad, Danny, and Melody for figuring things out.

18-52-Melody-liesMelody lies her ass off, claiming she figured it out. This does lead to a funny exchange between Ted and Buddy regarding the “brothers” thing.

Mr. Ernst’s watch alarm goes off. While the kids were doing their chores this morning, Mr. Ernst installed that automatic sprinkler system. Oh, I’d forgotten about that “subplot”.

18-53-Ernst-wet 18-54-Ernst-wet-2So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was mostly nice and had some good production values. Unfortunately, Ted was an idiot at the wrong moment, and Melody…Goddess, do I even need to bring that up again? This episode did so much damage to her character.

It’s interesting how the first act was left to Mr. Ernst, Ted, and Buddy, and the girls and Danny didn’t show up until the second act (aside from Brad’s quick cameo in the cold open).

But where was Lucy while all of this was going down?

Season 2, Episode 04: Bunkmate Battle

Writer: Alan Goodman
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: November 3, 1989

17-01-Ted-typesIn the cold open, Ted is typing up a historical presentation that he’ll do for the guests on a rainy day when there’s nothing better to do, and Danny is doing…some Native American thing, I guess (sorry, I don’t know). Also, the background music at the beginning of this scene is unusually loud – and then just abruptly cuts off. Weird.

Basically, Ted’s presentation is the typical Western movie nonsense of brave white guys versus savage Indians, which pisses Danny off, and he does…this:

17-02-Danny-pissedDanny argues against what Ted is doing and bets he can’t go one week without things that originated with the Indians. Ted accepts.

17-03-Danny-chocolate 17-04-Danny-chocolate-2Danny swipes Ted’s chocolate bar.

17-05-Melody-searches17-06-Melody-searches-2After the credits, Melody is searching for her sneakers in order to exercise, making a mess in the process and nearing hitting Brad.

17-07-Melody-sneakerBrad put them in Melody’s drawer, because Melody always leaves them in the middle of the floor. Melody gets upset when Brad points this out to her.

17-08-Melody-exercisesBrad sits on her bed to read, but she can’t, because Melody’s counting is so obnoxiously loud. Seriously, does she yell for the sole purpose of pissing Brad off?

Brad finally gets pissed, takes off Melody’s headphones, and yells at her, which completely dumbfounds Melody. Can anyone be this stupid? Brad asks her to do this someplace else, but Melody asks her to read someplace else. Brad says, if she went outside, Lucy would find something for her to do. That’s actually pretty smart. Melody says, if she went outside, the boys would stare and make fun of her. Well, yeah, you do look like an airhead when you’re doing that, Melody. The girls start to argue but stop in order to not escalate the situation – and then do so anyway (Brad starts it). After insulting each other for a while, they go back to their activities, and Melody tries to keep her voice down.

17-09-guys-rideThe guys are taking some guests on a ride and stop by the lake to rest.

17-10-Danny-trail-mixTed offers Danny some trail mix, and Danny pockets the entire bag. When Ted confronts Danny about it, Danny reveals the food in trail mix originated in the New World: pumpkin seeds, pecans, peanuts, sunflower seeds, pineapple, and papaya. Ted says he’s starving. Danny says don’t eat the cactus; the Indians found out long ago that it bites back. So would that make it “killer cacti”?

17-11-Brad-chartOn another day, at the girls’ bunkhouse, Brad has created a schedule using one of Mr. Ernst’s blank work assignment charts. She’s scheduled Melody’s “blaring music hour” during morning chores and “Melody’s deranged workout” during meal times.

17-12-Melody-fist 17-13-room-dividedMelody’s solution is to divide the room in two.

17-14-Melody-radioBy Melody’s logic, each girl is in her own “private bunk” and can’t hear the other, so she blares her fucking radio and plays with her stuffed animals.

17-15-Brad-plugThis is one of the times that Brad doesn’t like listening to loud music, so she unplugs the radio from the outlet, which is in her “private bunk”.

17-16-Melody-dumbfoundedThis completely dumbfounds Melody.

After some arguing, Brad gives up and goes for a walk, and Melody chases after her.

At the lunch line (or dinner line; I’m not sure; the first that we see of it), Ted tries to scare people out of line by mentioning gross-sounding meals. Based on a comment by Danny, Ted always does this, and it never works. Melody comes up to Brad to talk, but Brad tells “Little Miss Peacemaker” that she intends to stay mad. Brad leaves, and Melody chases after her. Ted is happy to be closer to the food but hates seeing the girls fight.

17-17-Ted-whacksDanny shoots down everything that Ted orders as originating in the New World (barbecue, potato chips, hot sauce (tomatoes), corn on the cob, chili (red beans and hot peppers), soda (dubious)) and orders extra ribs for himself. I get Ted’s frustration, but…why is he putting up with this? Just to prove he can do it? There are no stakes. Just concede defeat and enjoy the food, Ted.

Later, Mr. Ernst is on the phone with a potential guest. Just as he mentions the friendliness of the staff, the teens come in and start yelling at each other, making Mr. Ernst panic. Melody suggests Brad moves out, and Brad considers it. They express their hatred of each other. Danny is following Ted around and watching his every move (including when he gets his mail). Mr. Ernst awkwardly offers to give the caller phone numbers to other ranches in the area.

17-18-guests-leaveAfter the commercial break, the teens have returned to the main lodge and continued their arguing, driving the guests away. This is funny, but it’s awkward from a logical standpoint. They come into the main lodge arguing, leave arguing, and come back arguing. Why not just stay there?

17-19-No!Mr. Ernst climbs partially onto the front desk and tells them to shut the fuck up. He listens to their problems one at a time, which leads to some funny moments for him. Instead of imposing a forced compromise on them, he wants them to solve their problems themselves. They don’t feel any better. He tells them to settle their differences, mentions his open-door policy, goes into his office, and slams the door (heh).

Brad decides to move some of her stuff into the main lodge over Melody’s objection. Melody goes after her. Danny excuses himself and goes to work at the corral.

17-20-Buddy-popcornBuddy (who showed up during the whole thing) pesters Ted into having the rest of his popcorn – and then says he can’t have any. Ted threatens Buddy with death and chases after him.

17-21-Melody-privacyOn another day (or night; exterior shot is day; interior shot is night), Melody has the bunk to herself but finds she doesn’t like blaring her radio or exercising loudly when Brad isn’t there to be annoyed.

17-22-Melody-tosses-clothesSo Melody decides to redecorate by taking down Brad’s painting and tossing Brad’s clothes on the floor.

17-23-girls-pictureMelody’s gleeful debradification comes to a halt when she learns Brad has a picture of her. Um, why wouldn’t she already be aware of this? I mean I know Brad had it blocked from view with a stupid decorative picture of a cat or something (which is bitchy in its own way), but Brad and Melody posed for this picture together.

17-24-girls-talkBrad knocks and asks to come in, and Melody lets her. It turns out the main lodge is “too quiet” for Brad. Melody gets on Brad’s nerves but also makes her laugh. Melody admits being crazy is no fun without annoying Brad. It seems to me that Brad is the nicer of the two girls. At least, I can relate to her wanting peace and quiet but also sometimes wanting to laugh (this was way before we had YouTube). Melody apologizes. Brad says they have to realize they’re gonna fight sometimes over stupid stuff; she considers them to be best friends. This makes Melody happy.

17-25-girls-hugThe girls hug and make up after each confesses occasionally having homicidal thoughts for the other.

17-26-looking-in-bunkThe girls playfully fight while cleaning up, and we get a nice shot from outside the girls’ bunk house, looking in.

17-27-over-to-boys-bunkThe camera then moves left to show Ted entering the boys’ bunk house after taking a shower. This is some damn impressive camera work for a children’s/teen series.

17-28-Ted-towelJust because someone will want it, here’s a screen cap of a young David Lascher in a towel. You’re welcome.

17-29-guys-talkDanny is glad that Ted isn’t holding a grudge. Ted admits Danny was right, and he was wrong. Ted has a cavity. He has to go into town tomorrow and get it filled. Danny tells Ted to tell the dentist to not use any Novocain (according to him, the Indians discovered natural painkillers, although I’ve found no evidence of this). Ted wants to go for a walk, but Danny advises against wearing sneakers (the Indians discovered rubber plants) and jeans and underwear (cotton). Okay, up until this point, Danny has been right (or at least not blatantly wrong), but the cotton thing is bullshit.

Ted believes Danny is making this stuff up, so Danny lists maple syrup, doughnuts (bullshit), corn flakes, pizza (tomato sauce), potato chips, french fries, gum (very dubious).

Danny also claims there would be no Constitution and no United States of America, because “the American forefathers studied Indian government”, and “the whole idea of the United States could be based on the way different Indian tribes govern themselves, like states do, but they met together to discuss larger issues – just like the U.S. Congress”. Despite Danny’s insistence that “every word of it” is “true”, I can’t find any specific evidence of Native American influence. The United States Constitution seems to be based mostly on English law (including the Magna Carta) and colonial constitutions.

Danny makes Ted realize not too many Indians write history books or make movies, and Ted feels like a jerk. Danny says certain clothing dyes – including a very deep shade of red that the British used (bullshit) – came from Indian sources. Ted nervously gets the fuck out of there, leaving Danny satisfied.

17-30-Ernst-phoneOn another day, Mr. Ernst is on the phone with another potential guest. He tries to be vague in answering questions about the staff.

17-31-girls-happyHowever, the girls have made up and are looking through a magazine for redecoration ideas. They also have a little joke at Mr. Ernst’s expense as Brad picks up her mail. Brad wants to exercise, and Melody wants to hit a bookstore on their day off.

17-32-guys-happyThe guys come by. Ted borrows a notepad from Mr. Ernst, because Danny is going to help Ted plan the whole presentation.

17-33-Ernst-happyMr. Ernst happily tells the caller that the staff is “the best reason there is to come to the Bar None”.

The pre-credits scene at the end has Mr. Ernst looking over Ted’s presentation. He’s very impressed by it, and Ted is willing to let Mr. Ernst give him all of the credit – much to Danny’s disapproval. Danny is eating a vanilla ice cream cone. Ted successfully guesses the New World origin of vanilla and confesses Danny’s overwhelming involvement in the presentation. Mr. Ernst is surprised, despite presumably overhearing Ted discussing Danny’s help in the previous scene (and Danny has previously been shown to give Native American talks). Ted desperately begs Danny for some of the ice cream, and Danny lets him have it.

17-34-Ted-ice-cream 17-35-Ted-ice-cream-falls 17-36-Ted-sadSadly, though, it was not meant to be.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was nice. It’s odd that Danny was the one person to not learn anything, though.

Also, Brad wasn’t in the wrong either, really, aside from not appreciating Melody’s company when she’s not being a loud, annoying bitch.