Monthly Archives: January 2016

Season 4, Episode 01: They’re Back

Writer: Mark Cerulli
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: September 7, 1990

Welcome to season 4! I’d say more about it if we hadn’t already started season 4 during the season 3 finale. Seriously, there’s no change here, despite the fact that they took a break after each season (the cast got cheap “wrap gifts” – clothing with “Hey Dude” branded on it). I wonder what this was like for Geoffrey Coy. He joins the cast, tapes one episode, and then breaks until the new season is ready to be taped. Anyway, if the original air dates are to be believed, this episode aired a little over two months after “Stick Around” (pretty much the same distance as between the season 2 finale and the season 3 premiere). Also, this episode originally aired less than four months after “Dueling Ranches”. That episode was also written by Mark Cerulli, and this episode functions as a sort of sequel to that one.

40-01-groupIn the cold open, while the gang’s eating breakfast (I think), Melody regales them with a tale of two kid guests that were having a chlorinated pool water-drinking contest. The weird shit that goes on at this ranch…

Oh, and Kyle rides his horse over. Remember, he’s the “real cowboy”.

40-02-beef-loafJake brings over some Bar None Beef Loaf, which brings some comments of disgust, but Melody and Buddy help themselves.

40-03-smellLucy and Danny smell something foul. Danny makes a joke about a dead horse, which Lucy doesn’t find funny, but Brad is the one that’s hurt by the joke. Lucy guesses it’s coming from the Vlecks’ ranch next door. Kyle says some shit about the bits of food that get stuck between your teeth. Danny badmouthes the Vlecks.

40-04-Buddy-loafBuddy loves the Bar None Beef Loaf, which offends the others.

40-05-ErnstMr. Ernst comes by. He was just on the phone with Vic Vleck and fills the others in. Vic and his sons accidentally dug up the county sewer line. Brad, Danny, and Jake insult the Vlecks. Mr. Ernst feels sorry for the Vlecks for getting kicked off their ranch by the county health department. Melody (the “nice” one) enthusiastically asks “Forever and ever?!” It’s just until they fix the sewer line. Mr. Ernst decides they’re going to follow the “Code of the West” and prove they’re good neighbors. Yeah, he invited the Vlecks to stay at the Bar None, which upsets everyone else. Buddy suddenly asks if they smell something, and they throw napkins at him. Brad tells him to eat his meatloaf.

40-06-Vlecks-drivingAfter the credits, there’s a very short scene of the Vlecks on their way to the Bar None.

Back at the ranch, Mr. Ernst has to convince the others to come out and help him greet the Vlecks. He brings up Melody and Bradley marrying Karl and Lonnie as part of a joke, but he pauses after “marry”, which made me think of Melody and Brad marrying each other. Anyway, Brad says she’d “rather die” than marry a Vleck.

40-07-signMr. Ernst isn’t pleased with a sign that Jake and Brad made for the Vlecks.

The Vlecks arrive, and Mr. Ernst resists pressure from the others to spout some bullshit and send the Vlecks away.

40-08-Vic-ErnstVic is excited to see Mr. Ernst again. He says he hasn’t had a bath in about a week because of the problem at his ranch. Wait, didn’t this problem just happen? Or was the digging being done to try to fix an earlier problem?

Anyway, Vic apologizes for “that odor problem”, and we learn “Old Granny” farts. Classy.

40-09-Ernst-VlecksPaul Secrest is back in his third appearance overall and his second of three appearances as Vic Vleck. Don Wyllie and Paul D. Olmer are back in their second and final appearances as Karl and Lonnie Vleck, respectively.

Vic had passed on the town’s overnight rate repair to fix the sewer drain (to avoid paying double overtime). He and his family will be at the Bar None for 4-5 days.

40-10-Valerie-VleckVic introduces Mr. Ernst to his “lady”, Valerie Temperance Vleck. Mrs. Vleck is played by Mary F. Glenn. “Hey Dude” was her second of two acting gigs, the first being a payroll cashier in the 1987 movie, “Raising Arizona”. I was initially a bit confused. Mrs. Vleck shows up in another episode later this season, but IMDb credits a Mary Secrest as playing her. In a break with protocol, I peeked ahead. It’s the same actor playing her. That means, sometime between taping this episode and the next Vlecks episode, Vic and Valerie Vleck got married in real life. Aaawww… ūüôā

Valerie enthusiastically shakes Mr. Ernst’s hand. Vic has his boys get the luggage out of the truck (a Chevrolet). Redneck hilarity ensues. We learn Lonnie has a booger collection, which I totally believe.

33-45-Lonnie-Melody40-11-Valerie-boysValerie tries to break up her boys’ fight, which apparently their parole officer had told them to refrain from.

Mr. Ernst calls his staff over to help. They learn there are no room openings, so the Vlecks will be staying with them, assigned by sex. They protest. Jake calls Mr. Ernst out on not mentioning this before, but Mr. Ernst claims it completely slipped his mind, not even trying to sound sincere. The staff sucks it up. Karl goes off with his mom, because he follows her everywhere. Mr. Ernst goes after him.

40-12-Lonnie-treeLater, Lonnie is pretending to be Tarzan (seriously). Karl says Lonnie looks like a monkey. I think. Don Wyllie’s diction is horrible. Anyway, Karl and Lonnie make fun of a guest, and Brad gets on their case to help out with serving lunch. Um, why are they being pressed into service? Was that part of the arrangement? Doesn’t seem very neighborly. Anyway, this ill-conceived idea goes about as well as you’d expect:

40-13-Lonnie-water40-14-Lonnie-drinks40-15-Karl-disgusting40-16-Lonnie-Karl-fight40-17-Lonnie-bumpsLonnie wants to show his football scars to a poor guest. He claims, last year, he “played the whole championship game without a helmet” and invites her to feel his bumps.

40-18-Lonnie-scarKarl gets Lonnie to show her his appendix scar.

40-19-Melody-guestThe disgusted guest tells Melody that she doesn’t want to see this meal on her bill. Melody agrees and adds in a personal appearance and apology by Mr. Ernst.

40-20-food-fightKarl and Lonnie get into a food fight, because Lonnie insulted Mom’s mashed potatoes (she doesn’t use milk) and other cooking (roadkill).

40-21-Brad-pieBrad wants to “serve” banana cream pie, but Melody reminds her of the Code of the West. Melody suggests the boys leave, but they want the pie. Melody threatens to give it to them if they don’t get the fuck out of here, so they leave to do…something. Seriously, Don Wyllie’s diction is horrible.

40-22-Vic-ErnstAt the front desk, Vic’s being a slob, and he’s surprised Mr. Ernst sorts the guests’ mail. At the Snake Eyes Ranch, Vic just dumps it in a shoe box and lets them figure it out. He tries to read a piece of mail through the envelope and asks if they have a pool. Mr. Ernst says they have a pool and a lake (the latter of which he recommends to Vic). Mr. Ernst asks about the Snake Eyes’ facilities. They’ve got a swamp for swimming, and they’ve got aerobics like brick-laying and ditch-digging. They’re even putting in a “state-of-the-art tattoo parlor” next month. They had one horse, but they had to eat it when times got tough (it was pretty good). Wait, Lucy is friends with their head wrangler. What do they need a wrangler for without horses? Anyway, how the fuck is the Snake Eyes Ranch still in business? Vic makes Mr. Ernst nervous about Valerie cooking supper tonight.

40-23-Frank-SpittleA guest, Frank Spittle from room 114, comes in and tells Mr. Ernst that their air conditioner is on the fritz. Vic accuses him of being “one of them sissy boys” and tells the “greenhorn” to take a trip to Iceland. Mr. Ernst interrupts Vic, tells Frank that he’ll send someone to fix the air conditioner, and says he’ll bring him a free fruit basket. Frank thanks him. Vic tells the “shrimp” to go back to his condo in Connecticut. Frank runs away. Vic is convinced of his way to “handle” the guests. Mr. Ernst yells at him. Vic says he doesn’t have any air conditioning in his rooms (there’s a weird audio clicking sound when he says this), his “sauna suite effect”. He claims none of his guests have ever complained. Mr. Ernst believes him.

The guests were played by Ronald D. Mumford, Charles Michael Morse, Judith C. Corcoran, Barbara Lamm, and Daniel C. Jacobs, Jr.. I assume they’re credited in appearance order, but I can’t confirm that. “Hey Dude” was their sole acting gig. Corcoran and Lamm will each show up one more time in different episodes.

IMDb credits Henry W. Laster as playing an uncredited guest in this episode. This is his third of three supposed appearances.

40-24-girls-ErnstThe girls come by, and Brad tells Mr. Ernst that ten guests ran off during lunch, thanks to Karl and Lonnie. Vic is proud of his boys and predicts Lonnie will go into public relations if he ever gets out of high school. Mr. Ernst reminds the girls of the Code of the West and asks for the boys’ current location. Melody clarifies what Karl had said earlier: they went to “pound some pellets”. Vic explains they’re gonna shoot some skeet. Mr. Ernst says they don’t have any guns here. Vic says they brought a few of their own.

40-25-boys-ErnstJake and Danny come by. Jake wants Karl and Lonnie stopped. Mr. Ernst urges calm until Jake informs him that the dumbasses are shooting indoors. He runs off, and Vic goes to make his boys stop – but first touts his family as future saviors when “them Rooskies invade”. Ah, nothing like redneck Cold War humor. Brad then openly makes fun of Vic, imitating his redneck western drawl, while his shadow is still in the shot. I love Brad so fucking much.

Jake mentions the dumbasses blew a huge hole in the roof of the boys’ bunk house. Brad jokes about a “skylight”, and Melody jokes about “indoor skeet shooting”. Danny informs the girls that the dumbasses started in the girls’ room. The girls rush off in panic.

40-26-moonBlessed Moon Goddess, known throughout the ages as Phoebe, Selene, Luna, Artemis, and Diana, shine your blessings down upon the staff of the Bar None Dude Ranch and smite the dumbass motherfuckers that have invaded their land. Blessed be.

But seriously, show, tape the moon at a different phase than full.

40-27-Lonnie-MelodyAs the gang sits down to dinner by the campfire, Lonnie continues to show an interest in Melody (no nose-picking this time).

40-28-Valerie-stewValerie serves up “sizzlin’ snake eyes stew”. Lucy “just” remembers she’s vegetarian.

40-29-Ernst-hotIt’s hot. Valerie always tosses in “a couple o’ handfuls of them crushed chili peppez”.

40-30-Valerie-jizzesValerie notices Brad doesn’t have “enough” seasoning, so she proceeds to jizz liquid lard into Brad’s stew (“gives it that creamy, down-home flavor”).

40-31-Brad-sharesBrad immediately passes the “down-home flavor” along to her bestie.

Valerie frightens teases them with dessert to follow.

40-32-Ernst-sharesMr. Ernst inquires about the ingredients. Valerie flirts with Mr. Ernst in front of her husband and reveals the secret ingredient, which Mr. Ernst fails to grasp until Vic lets out a belch (disgusting the Bar None staff) and spells out the horrifying truth: they’re eating actual snake eyes. Mr. Ernst suddenly cites the late hour. Valerie says they’ll have the cake tomorrow for breakfast.

40-33-no-watch04-39-Ted-no-watchJake nervously pulls a Ted, pointing to his non-existent watch and saying it’s 9:00 PM already.

He and Danny want to go and turn in, but Melody reminds them of the holes in the roofs of their bunk houses. She asks where they’re going to sleep, and Lonnie tries to get (and I’m speaking strictly metaphorically) fresh with her again. Mr. Ernst says they’ll fix the holes tomorrow. Tonight, they’ll all sleep under the stars in their rooms, because it’s “not like it’s gonna rain or anything”.

40-34-rainSon of a cock. Yeah, Mr. Ernst, henceforth, just assume it’s gonna fucking rain. Because it does indeed rain out here.

40-35-Lonnie-eatsAfter the commercial break (which comes unusually late in this episode), they take shelter in the main lodge.

40-36-Lonnie-deerLonnie makes a dumb “deer hunters” joke, which Karl yucks up.

40-37-blackjackThe guys are playing blackjack, which Lonnie fucks up, because he’s an asshole. Karl suggests having a “spittin’ contest”, which gets Lonnie excited, but Danny shoots the idea down. I think Karl wishes they’d gotten a cold (Don Wyllie’s diction is fucking horrible), and Lonnie suggests they go and catch one. Jake informally ushers in bedtime.

40-38-dumbasses-girlsThe dumbasses cuddle up to the girls, who are sick. We learn the dumbasses have caught rates, mice, snakes, lizards, and jackrabbits. Karl caught the mumps once. The girls shoo the dumbasses off.

40-39-Vic-ErnstMr. Ernst cites his “special mattress” for his “bad back” as the reason why Vic and Valerie can’t stay in his room. It might be the truth, because Mr. Ernst hurt his back in “Killer Ernst” (season 3, episode 10), which was also written by Mark Cerulli. Vic accepts it. We learn Vic and Valerie lived with her parents for nine years in a one-room shack in Texarkana.

40-40-Valerie-spanks-LonnieValerie wishes her boys good night and playfully slaps her grown son’s ass. I’d make a redneck incest joke, but that would be an insult to non-redneck practitioners of incest.

40-41-Ernst-pissedMr. Ernst is hella pissed that Valerie accidentally left the bathtub running. He starts to lay into her, but then Lucy informs him that they’ve got a “major flood” on their hands, and he’s gonna have to sleep down here. He’s not thrilled and has Buddy get his sleeping bag and the alarm clock.

40-42-Vic-clockVic has his own alarm clock, though, set for sunrise.

40-43-Brad-LucyBrad desperately tries to get Lucy to act as a human barrier between the dumbasses and the girls. Lucy tells Brad to fuck off. Lucy decides to sleep outside, saying she likes the rain.

40-44-Lucy-rainAnd…Lucy does indeed run out to sleep in the rain like a dumbass. Why not just sleep under the roof just outside the main lodge? Or behind the front desk for that matter?

We then get a mildly funny Waltons parody.

Lonnie can’t sleep and demands a bedtime story. Jake starts to tell a story as a roundabout way of telling the Vlecks to fuck off, but Mr. Ernst reminds him of the Code of the West.

40-45-story-timeVic tells them a “fightin’ man’s story” about his great-uncle (Hoss Vleck, Jr.) “a-roughin’ it way out on the range”…

40-46-story-time-240-47-story-time-3…and stays up until the fucking cock crows, excitedly talking about how Hoss killed a rattlesnake and picked a fight with Wyatt Earp.

Then Vic’s alarm clock goes off, which sound like sirens, and everyone wakes up in a panic. Melody is subjected to Karl’s morning breath.

40-48-holeUnfortunately(?), Lonnie’s gone sleepwalking (they usually keep him tied up). Last time, they found him in Tijuana, speaking Spanish. Vic tells Mr. Ernst to get a pot of coffee going, and then he goes to fire up the truck.

40-49-barricadeImmediately after the Vlecks leave, the gang starts to barricade the hole, but Mr. Ernst says they have to come back, because…

40-50-bill…he has to give them their bill. Yeah, he accidentally lets slip that he’s charging the Vlecks for their stay here (he actually feigns ignorance about it). The gang gives him fucking hell about preaching “Code of the West” and all of the shit that they had to put up with. Mr. Ernst struggles to explain, but the gang leaves, having lost all respect for their boss.

40-51-Lonnie-hoodLater, the Vlecks arrive back at the Bar None. They found Lonnie halfway to Tombstone¬†(Karl claims it’s “a new record”, but it totally isn’t; not even close). So…they’re saying Lonnie sleepwalked around 36 fucking miles, and no one fucking spotted him before his family did. And then they roped him to the hood of their truck and drove back to Tucson, and the police didn’t stop them. Okay.

40-52-Ernst-billMr. Ernst comes by with good news. Thanks to “a little encouragement” from his staff, he called the Department of Public Works and had an emergency crew sent right over to the Snake Eyes Ranch. Vic protests that he can’t afford it, but Mr. Ernst makes a show of tearing up the Vlecks’ bill (it seems they expected to be charged, so it’s a wonder that they didn’t let it slip before Mr. Ernst did). Vic starts to protest, but Mr. Ernst encourages him to take the money and fix his sewer. Vic wants to send his boys over to the Bar None to help with the chores, but Mr. Ernst declines. Vic wants to hang out here for a while and says Valerie makes “a mean desert tortoise omelette” (she takes the shell out and everything). Valerie has one somewhere in the truck. She’d found it along the road last week “just poopin’ along”. Mr. Ernst feigns disappointment at the missed breakfast opportunity while reminding Vic of his duty to supervise the work at the Snake Eyes. Vic wants Valerie to finish packing their stuff up, but…

40-53-packYeah, the staff can’t wait for these assholes to leave.

Wait, why is everyone still in their pajamas? The Vlecks had made a 72-mile round trip, and no one’s done anything.

Vic thanks them for their hospitality and says he won’t forget it.

40-54-Valerie-kisses-ErnstValerie gets a little too friendly with Mr. Ernst in front of her husband and invites them to stay with them if the need arises.

40-55-Karl-girlsKarl gets fresh with the girls, who shoo him off.

Valerie wants them over at the Snake Eyes Ranch for “a hog dinner with all the trimmings”.

Mr. Ernst feels bad and suddenly yells out an open invitation to the Vlecks.

40-56-shut-upMr. Ernst cites the Code of the West, and his staff walks off, disgusted.

40-57-mealThe (very short) pre-credits scene at the end has the gang sitting down to their “first meal in peace”.

40-58-mysteryMr. Ernst brings by a mystery thank-you gift that the Vlecks just dropped off. This raises speculation and fear. Jake suggests blowing it up. There seems to be a connection between Jake and explosives (see “New Kid on the Block” (season 3, episode 04)).

Why is Melody so…physical with Buddy?

40-59-Ernst-frightenedHoly shit! What could it be?!?!?!

40-60-shirtHehe, it’s a bunch of shirts. Mr. Ernst had one made up for every one of them.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was pretty funny. It’s an improvement over the previous Vlecks episode in that it’s not forced to feature a baseball game. The Vlecks are idiots, but they’re pretty funny.

I notice Kyle barely had anything to do. That might be due to the large number of guest stars, or maybe they’d already realized they didn’t know what to do with him.

Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 6

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Season 3 Recap

39-31-Ernst-BuddyWelcome to the recap of season 3 of “Hey Dude”. Here, I’m going to give my thoughts on the season as a whole and the characters and rank the episodes from worst to best.

The Transitional Season

Season 3 is kind of weird in that it lacks the cohesiveness of seasons 1 and 2. The first three episodes feel like they belong at the end of season 2 (which would end with Ted leaving). The final episode feels like it belongs at the beginning of season 4 (which would begin with Kyle’s arrival). The “Jake-Only Era” is only nine episodes long.

I haven’t seen many television series get rid of a main character early in the season (“Star Trek: Voyager” comes to mind), and I don’t recall any series introducing a new main character in a season finale. And let’s not get started about putting a departed cast member back in the opening credits, long after he’d left, in an episode that he doesn’t even appear in.

The Episodes

Season 3, due to Lascher’s departure (and the timing of it), had to shake things up. We can argue whether this was a good thing or a bad thing (personally, I think the series wouldn’t have been worse had Lascher stayed), but I think they did a good job overall. These thirteen episodes offer a variety of character spotlights and stories (and story quality).

38-59-Angie-grabs-Buddy#13: The Bad Seed
Just an all-around terrible episode. The rest of the gang (as well as Buddy’s own father) take the word of a psychopathic little hell-girl over that of Buddy. On top of that, the characters don’t seem to hear Angie gloating until a resolution is needed. Speaking of the resolution, it makes no sense. Just…gah, fuck this episode.

39-27-Brad-pissed-4#12: Stick Around
An unnecessary new (sexist) character. Brad’s character is regressed. Just a really bad episode. The only good thing is the Lucy/Bill subplot.

33-36-coin-toss#11: Dueling Ranches
A mostly boring sports-themed episode, but I find the Vlecks to be pretty funny rivals to the Bar None gang.

35-31-Melody-on-strike#10: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Brad and Danny are assholes to their supposed friend, Melody, but the focus is on how Melody needs to become more assertive. Brad and Danny simply end up realizing they don’t need Melody’s help. Not a good message.

27-26-Ted-locked#9: Inmates Run the Asylum
Over the top but also funny, this episode really has no business existing, but I’ll take it just because Insane!Ted is funny.

36-66-Lou-Ernst#8: Killer Ernst
This is the better of the two sports episodes. Captain Lou is over the top.

28-17-boat#7: Hey Cinderella
A rehash of season 1’s “Rehearsal for Romance” that wasn’t needed. Nice background details on Brad, though.

32-47-two-pennies#6: Superstition
This is definitely a “Jake’s weird” episode, but it’s somewhat true-to-life in that superstition is a thing. A pretty stupid thing but a thing nonetheless. The subplot with the cat was actually funnier than the main plot.

30-47-gang-2#5: New Kid on the Block
An episode born of necessity, but it managed to introduce an interesting character and be funny at the same time.

31-25-Melody-Amy-gab#4: Sewn at the Hip
A lot of background info on Melody. A reasonable conflict. This episode shows people do grow and change over time. Even Danny got some love. I only wish Amy had stayed.

34-52-Melody-Buddy-2#3: Ex-Static
A really nice episode in which we learn background info on Buddy, Mr. Ernst, and Melody. While the Buddy and Mr. Ernst stuff was in line with what we already knew, I didn’t expect the Melody info. The subject of parental divorce, which lots of members of the target audience have to deal with, is treated honestly. Sometimes, things just don’t work out as kids want.

29-19-Ted-Brad-table#2: Datenite
A great send-off for Ted. Brad also gets to shine. And the final scene packs an emotional wallop. Kudos to Lascher and Brown. They could have given a better reason for Ted’s departure, though. A family problem (two other episodes this season dealt with family problems). Financial difficulty. Whatever.

37-73-Melody-Billy-2#1: Melody’s Brother
The best episode of the season, featuring a great performance by Taylor. Alcohol abuse is a real problem that affects kids, including those that watch “Hey Dude”. The episode struck the right balance: informative without being preachy, hopeful without the problem being magically solved by the end.

The Characters

34-53-Ernst-waitingMr. Ernst appeared in 10 of the episodes (11 if you count his voice cameo at the end of “Datenite”). His crazy schemes are downplayed this season (“Killer Ernst” and, as a side effect, “Dueling Ranches” being exceptions). He shines in “Ex-Static”, and his past is also explored in “Dueling Ranches” and “Killer Ernst”. He’s forced to recognize his son is growing up in “Melody’s Brother”. However, he’s a bit dumb in “Inmates Run the Asylum”, and he’s unreasonably untrusting of his own son in “The Bad Seed”. Overall, though, this was a good season for our favorite bumbling boss.

29-43-Brad-sadBrad appeared in all 13 episodes. Her highlights include “Hey Cinderella” and “Datenite”. She’s also convincingly worried in “Killer Ernst”. Lowlights include “Inmates Run the Asylum” (worked up over nothing), “No More Mr. Nice Guy” (inconsiderate), and “The Bad Seed” (untrusting). She’s also unwillingly at the center of the conflict in “Sewn at the Hip”. Overall, this season was more bad than good for Brad.

39-40-KyleKyle appeared in 1 of the episodes. As the new guy, he comes across as a patronizing, sexist fuckwit. We’ll see if he improves.

35-61-Jake-howlsJake appeared in 10 of the episodes. He got a good introduction, and his personality and relationships with the other characters (most notably Buddy) have been explored, mostly for the better (“The Bad Seed” being an exception, and “Superstition” was kind of pushing it). He’s off to a good start. Do I prefer him to Ted? No, but I definitely prefer him over Kyle.

39-62-Lucy-BillAs before, the season’s least valuable player has to be Lucy. She appeared in 3 of the episodes, which I think speaks for itself. She gave Amy a job and informed Mr. Ernst of the problem with the Vlecks (and the very existence of the creek). The season finale was a surprise, though. Lucy got a genuine subplot about herself, and she was given some backstory. Granted, that backstory is “I’m waiting for my man to give up what he loves and settle down, so I can hang out in a nice house”, but it’s something. It’s no wonder that “Stick Around” is Debrah Kalman’s favorite episode.

27-11-gold-starTed appeared in 2 of the episodes. One shows him in a positive light, and the other…doesn’t. Regardless, we eagerly await his return.

37-26-Melody-concernedMelody appeared in all 13 episodes. She certainly received a lot of attention this season, and she received some astounding characterization. Melody (and Christine Taylor) shines in “Melody’s Brother”, “Ex-Static”, and “Sewn at the Hip”. However, there’s also the problematic “No More Mr. Nice Guy” (which wants us to believe Melody is the problem) and “Hey Cinderella” (a rehash of an earlier episode) and the horrible “The Bad Seed”. Overall, though, I think Melody exits this season as a better character than when she entered it.

31-56-Danny-lakeDanny appeared in all 13 episodes. He has a romance in “Sewn at the Hip”, and he gets some backstory in “Melody’s Brother”. Otherwise, he’s mostly just there, being part of the group.

34-47-Buddy-pissedBuddy appeared in all 13 episodes. His involvement varies by episode. He has a humorous subplot in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. Tygiel gives a convincing performance in “Ex-Static”, which is his starring episode, and Buddy and Melody end up bonding over unfortunate similarities. His biggest development this season, however, occurs in “Melody’s Brother”, where he moves out.

That’s it for season 3. Tune in next Wednesday as we head into season 4!

Season 3, Episode 13: Stick Around

Writer: Lisa Melamed
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: June 29, 1990

39-01-hotIn the cold open, it’s hot, the guys complain about the heat, and the girls wish the guys would shut the fuck up.

39-02-ErnstMr. Ernst is upset that the gang is sitting around and doing nothing, but he’s hot as well. He says morale is down, the guests are grumpy, and the horses are sweaty.

However, he has a plan: the First Annual Bar None Midsummer Nights Hoedown – a dance this Friday night. All that the teens have to do is get the party set up, and they get the night off. Brad would rather work, because she doesn’t dance. Danny points out her ballet classes, which is a callback to “Goldilocks” (season 1, episode 03). Brad says ballet is dignified and a group dance where individuals don’t stand out, but “flailing around” to fast music is not her.

Jake suddenly says he “Jakedance[s]”. He proceeds to demonstrate:

39-03-Jakedance-139-04-Jakedance-239-05-Jakedance-339-06-Jakedance-439-07-Jakedance-539-08-Jakedance-639-09-Jakedance-739-10-Jakedance-839-11-Jakedance-9No, there’s absolutely no point to this other than “Jake’s weird”. It never comes up again.

I do like, however, how Mr. Ernst just turns away, embarrassed.

39-12-tough-crowdThe others don’t like it either.

39-13-CoyOh, look, they added a new main character. Kyle is played by Geoffrey Coy. “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig according to IMDb. However, at the reunion panel in 2014, Geoffrey Coy mentioned he had been in two Disney films (he didn’t name them), but his scenes were cut. He left acting after “Hey Dude” ended, and he’s now a director of marketing.

39-14-LascherWhat the fuck?

There are still quite a few episodes until Ted returns to the series. I have no idea why David Lascher is in the opening credits for this episode. Perhaps, with “A Family for Joe” pulled from the schedule around a month earlier, Lascher knew – or at least felt – the series was doomed, so he asked to come back to “Hey Dude”, and they put him back in the opening credits to get the audience ready. However, if I was watching this episode new in 1990, I would have been confused and disappointed.

39-15-Jake-Buddy-platformAfter the credits, on another day, Jake is building a band platform for the big dance. Buddy gets a non-serious idea regarding a trap door and a mud pit.

39-16-LucyOh, look, Lucy decided to show up for the season finale. The last time that she appeared was in “Dueling Ranches” (season 3, episode 07). She wants Jake to pick up the pace. There’s a “Jake’s weird” bit where Jake pauses and silently apologizes to the nail before hammering it, but Lucy doesn’t put up with that bullshit.

39-17-Bill-Lucy-1A mysterious guy comes up behind Lucy, indicates for the guys to keep quiet, and surprises Lucy.

39-18-Bill-Lucy-239-19-Bill-Lucy-3Bad idea. Lucy hates being sneaked up on.

39-20-Bill-Lucy-4This “old dog” is Bill, Lucy’s old flame, who she hasn’t seen or heard from for five years but thinks about all of the time. Bill’s rodeo is in town for the week, and he and his son, Kyle, are staying at the Bar None.

Holy shit! Backstory on Lucy! I…I gotta sit down. Wait, I am sitting down. Never mind. Moving on…

Bill is played by James R. Bailey, III. “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig.

Anyway, Bill teases Lucy with the prospect of settling down and the two of them living in a nice house together, but Lucy doesn’t want him getting her hopes up, because “this always happens to” them. Bill insists he means it this time. Lucy decides to buy Bill a lunch of ribs (he wants to get away from Jake and Buddy). Buddy and Jake are left alone and amazed.

39-21-Kyle-horseKyle sneaks into the corral and preps a horse.

39-22-Brad-dumbassBrad walks right past him but is still somehow surprised that the gear that she had placed earlier is missing.

39-23-Brad-KyleBrad politely confronts Kyle. Kyle belittles her. Brad references an unseen sign that horses and equipment are to be handled by staff only. Kyle is surprised to learn Brad works here; he’d thought she’s a model or something. Haha, yeah, imagine that. Brad asks Kyle some basic questions, but he claims he’s an expert, and he says the only “real riding” is “western”. He also wants to saddle the horse himself and says they’re wasting time talking, but Brad cites the rule again and states nobody talks to her like that except for her 93-year-old grandmother. Huh. If Brad doesn’t take shit from almost anyone, then why does she make an exception for her old-ass grandma? Kyle asks if Brad’s grandma can still walk, wonders how Brad can ride in such “dressy” clothes, and says girls shouldn’t work on ranches.

39-24-Brad-pissed-1Oh.

39-25-Brad-pissed-2Shit.

39-26-Brad-pissed-3Kyle, stay perfectly still and let the nice lady beat the everloving shit out of you.

39-27-Brad-pissed-4Brad decides job be damned and starts to lay into Kyle. Oh, to be rich like her and not worry about money. The things that I would tell asshole customers…

39-28-Lucy-KyleUnfortunately, Lucy and Bill show up and ruin what would have been a glorious scene. Lucy guesses Kyle and Brad have a lot in common. Brad quickly leaves, confusing Kyle (seriously). Kyle declines joining his dad and Lucy for a walk up in the hills but will catch up with them later tonight. Kyle is left alone to ponder Brad.

39-29-Buddy-Kyle39-30-gang-KyleThe next day (I guess; the gang is wearing the same clothes from the cold open), Buddy brings Kyle over for dinner. Brad wants to leave. Melody tells her to not be rude. Brad tells Melody to sleep with her eyes open tonight (I think; it’s not very clear). Buddy is impressed by Kyle’s dad’s rodeo career. Danny, Jake, and Kyle shoot the shit for a bit about riding. Jake compares it to surfing. Brad is disgusted by Kyle’s attitude; having seen rodeos on TV before, she hates their treatment of horses, which she refers to as “beautiful, elegant animal[s]”. This is an interesting contrast of the different attitudes of, say, upper-class society and, well,…rednecks. Not to demonize the cowboys, but…eh, actually, fuck it, Brad’s right.

Anyway, Kyle and Brad get into it. Kyle makes fun of Brad’s riding competitions. Brad says that’s being civilized, but Kyle says that’s being wimpy. Danny and Melody try to break up the fight, but Kyle and Brad, in unison, continue to argue.

39-31-Ernst-BuddyMr. Ernst comes by. Buddy’s decided he wants to be a rodeo clown when he grows up. Kyle has to explain to Mr. Ernst what that is (I love how Brad seems to find even that disgusting). Mr. Ernst doesn’t know how to react, so he puts off the discussion ’til later. Mr. Ernst asks about the status of the dance preparations. Jake momentarily scares Mr. Ernst by saying he got Rocket Richard and the Thermonuclear DustBusters as the band instead of Fabulous Fred and His Fancy Fiddlers. Mr. Ernst and Buddy leave. Danny and Jake clean up the tables, which confuses Kyle (because that’s work for the girls), so Danny decides they’ll have a talk.

39-32-Melody-LucyThe next day (the sign on the soda machine in the previous scene said the square dance is “today”, but Melody’s wearing a different outfit in this scene, and Brad will soon confirm it’s the next day), Lucy is in a love-fueled daze. There’s a tiny bit of video shaking at the beginning of this scene. Lucy starts to explain to Melody that she might be “far away” “soon” because of something that she and Bill are thinking about doing.

39-33-Melody-Lucy-2Bill interrupts, so Lucy runs over to him, leaving Melody to come to the conclusion that Lucy and Bill are getting married (which Lucy, somehow, doesn’t hear).

39-34-Lucy-Bill-KyleLucy and the boys banter for a bit. Lucy’s going to go with Bill to watch him practice, but Kyle is gonna “stick around” here. Bill lets Kyle in on his and Lucy’s vague “plans for the future”, and then Bill and Lucy walk off. Horse noises get Kyle’s attention – but not Lucy or Bill’s, even though they’re only a few feet away from him.

39-35-Brad-horseBrad pulls a Ted by trying to ride a wild horse to impress someone, even though she denies it and claims she’s just trying to complete her life. Melody tries to talk her out of it, and Kyle agrees.

39-36-Brad-Kyle-fight39-37-Brad-horse39-38-girls-horse39-39-girls-horse-239-40-Kyle39-41-horse39-42-girls-horse-3Fortunately for Brad, the horse doesn’t complete her life for her.

39-43-girlsThe horse escapes, Kyle chases after it, and Melody looks at Brad like “What in the goddamn fuck?”

39-44-horse-escapesAfter the commercial break, the horse runs wild.

39-45-Kyle-lasso39-46-horse-lasso39-47-Kyle-horseKyle has to yell at Brad to get out of the way, and then he ropes the horse and, with help from an employee named Fred, calms it down. Fred takes it away.

39-48-girlsMelody asks Brad if she’s okay.

39-49-groupLucy and Bill show up, having finally heard the commotion (by way of someone yelling stampede). Kyle explains what happened. Melody praises Kyle’s action, which surprises and impresses his dad.

39-50-Brad-LucyLucy asks Brad what’s the matter. Brad insists she’s fine, coming close to yelling at Lucy but then apologizing. Bill compliments his son, and he and Lucy leave. Melody excuses herself to go and do CPR on herself. I assume this involves kissing her reflection in the mirror while feeling herself up.

39-51-Kyle-BradBrad and Kyle argue over who’s at fault. Brad refuses to thank him. Kyle tells her to save him a dance on Friday. Okay, seriously, that sign on the soda machine is false advertising.

39-52-Brad-radio39-53-Brad-dancesThe next day (I guess), Brad tries practicing square dancing in private but quickly gives up.

39-54-Melody-watchesUnfortunately, Melody sees her and comes in, acting innocent.

39-55-girlsBrad questions whether dancing – and even the ranch itself – is for her. She thinks she should have stayed home and wonders what she’s doing on a dude ranch. Melody says she’s worked at the Bar None for a long time, and, “now that” Brad’s here, she can’t imagine it without her. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They’re not seriously trying to pass this off as the same summer as seasons 1 and 2, are they? Hell, we already know from the previous episode that this isn’t the case. Besides, this conversation is something that belongs near the very beginning of the series. We’re long past the point where it makes any sort of sense.

Anyway, Brad thanks her. Melody offers to show Brad some steps, but Brad refuses. She’s just gonna be herself and not try to impress anyone. Melody teases Brad about trying to impress Kyle, but Brad denies it. Melody swears Brad to secrecy (Brad doesn’t agree) and then passes along her unfounded Lucy-getting-married rumor (without mentioning the marriage). Brad is skeptical but also says she hates when people leave (possibly a reference to Ted?).

39-56-Kyle-DannyLater, Kyle and Danny are riding and getting to know each other. Danny relates his most embarrassing date moment: getting butter stains (from the popcorn) on the shoulder of his date’s silk blouse when he put his arm around her. Kyle’s worst teacher was Mrs. Horatio, who would clap erasers in your face if you messed up. He and his dad travel so much for his rodeos and competitions that he never stays in one place for more than a couple weeks (at most). Danny realizes they’ve gotta get going.

39-57-Kyle-Buddy-DannyThey arrive back at the ranch. Buddy complains about the outfit that his dad is making him wear to the dance tonight. I don’t see why he’s complaining. Remember back in “Inmates Run the Asylum” (season 3, episode 01) when Buddy embraced turning into his dad and started dressing like him?

27-48-Ernst-Buddy-3Danny says he’d sue. Kyle thinks Buddy looks “swell”. Buddy threatens to accidentally fall in “something really disgusting” and get the clothes dirty.

39-58-Kyle-BuddyKyle takes Buddy away to make sweet anal love to him – and give him some spurs for his boots.

39-59-Danny-LucyLucy comes by, and she and Danny discuss Kyle. Danny feels kind of sorry for him for having “no roots”. Danny’s dad says it’s good for the soul to wake up to the same sounds every day. We learn Jake and Buddy snore (we already know Danny snores). Lucy asks if Kyle said he was unhappy. Danny says no and tells Lucy to not say anything to Bill, but it’s “a lot for a guy” to carry his whole life around with him.

39-60-Lucy-Danny39-61-bell-ringsAs the sun goes down, and the full moon rises (for fuck’s sake, show, how long does the full moon last? the entire summer?), the bell rings to signal the approaching dance.

39-62-Lucy-BillBill comes by to pick up Lucy for the dance. He pins an award ribbon on her, because he couldn’t find flowers. Lucy asks about his preliminary competition and apologizes for having to work. Bill easily qualified. Apparently, some guys there were talking about a new, nationwide rodeo circuit starting up soon with big prize money. Lucy is disappointed, because she was looking forward to a house with a white picket fence and two cats in the yard. Bill says he loves Lucy, but the rodeo is his life. Lucy says there’s no place for her in that life, and there never was. They don’t exactly break up, but it’s clear that Bill’s leaving. Lucy cautions against Kyle turning out just like him and offers to have Kyle stay at the Bar None. Bill asks if she’ll keep him in line, and she says she will. They go to talk to him before the dance.

39-63-dance39-64-dance-2Everyone seems to have a great time at the dance.

The square dance caller (Fabulous Fred, I guess) is played by David L. Walker. The fiddle player is played by Don Johnson (not that one). The accordion player is played by Rosemary Koshmider. “Hey Dude” was their sole acting gig.¬†However, David L. Walker also wrote the screenplay for the 1988 film, “Platoon Leader”.

39-65-Jake-DannyJake and Danny are amused at Mr. Ernst’s clumsiness while dancing.

39-66-MelodyMelody shows off for the guys, and Jake compliments her. Y’know, why don’t these characters ever try out romances with each other? Other than Brad/Ted, they always seem to date one-shot characters (whether seen or not).

39-67-Lucy-ErnstMelody gets excited about Lucy talking to Mr. Ernst, which Danny makes fun of. Melody lets slip her unfounded wedding rumor.

39-68-oops39-69-gang-LucyDanny and Melody pester Lucy for confirmation.

39-70-Jake-congratsJake tosses crackers and offers congratulations. Lucy thinks they’re fucking weird and tells Jake to pick that shit up.

The guys have figured out that Lucy’s not getting married. Melody is confused. Jake jokes about it.

39-71-Buddy-danceBuddy comes by and shares a new square dance that he just made up:

“Fling your partner in the mud.
Fill her shoes and socks with crud.
Fling your partner in the trees
And let her flap there in the breeze.”

Having recited this to them, Buddy promptly asks Melody to dance. She declines, so he runs off to Brad. Danny is surprised that Brad showed up.

39-72-Kyle-Brad-BuddyBrad declines Buddy’s invitation to dance. Having no luck with the ladies, Buddy fishes for a compliment on the spurs from the hot new guy.

39-73-Brad-Kyle-danceKyle takes Brad onto the platform to dance over her objection. She ends up doing okay. Brad, believing Kyle’s leaving tomorrow, says he’s not so bad (long-term, she’d have to strangle him), and she’s glad that she met him. Kyle thanks her.

39-74-Ernst-Brad-KyleMr. Ernst comes by. Brad compliments him on the dance. Mr. Ernst asks if it’s as nice as the ones at her country club back home. Brad, perhaps humoring him, says this dance is much better. Mr. Ernst tells Kyle that “it’s a wonderful idea”, and they’ll “try it out for a couple of weeks”. Brad is confused. Mr. Ernst reveals Kyle’s a new staff member and will do the “real cowboy stuff”.

39-75-Ernst-Kyle-shake39-76-Brad-prays“Whafuck? This can’t be happening to me. Blessed Lady of the Moon, please deliver me…”

Brad tries to explain why she said what she said, but Kyle doesn’t buy it.

39-77-Bill-LucyLucy supposedly stomps on Bill’s foot (even though she clearly doesn’t), because haha.

39-78-Kyle-saddleThe pre-credits scene at the end has Kyle polishing a saddle. Danny and Jake pop up and keep complimenting his hat and say it would be a shame if it got wet. Kyle nervously agrees.

39-79-Brad-ropes-KyleThe girls show up. Brad ropes Kyle.

39-80-Kyle-walletMelody collects Kyle’s wallet before the “initiation”. Kyle is led over to the water trough. There’s a bit where he inadvertently quotes “A Tale of Two Cities”, actually quoting his Uncle Wilbur when he moved from Badwater Flats to Yuma.

39-81-Jake-Danny-push-Kyle“We baptize you in the name of Aloysius!”

39-82-Kyle-trough39-83-Brad-hatBrad rides off with Kyle’s hat, and Kyle gives chase.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was pretty bad. Brad underwent a character regression and fell for a guy for no particular reason. She pulled the same shit that Ted had in the series premiere (on a dare from herself) for the same reason.

I don’t like Kyle. He comes off as arrogant and misogynistic. Yeah, he did something that might have saved Brad’s life (although I doubt she was in any real danger) – but only because the writer made Brad forget all of her horse training and common sense, so the hot new guy could save the day.

It’s very clear why they introduced Kyle: a new love interest for Brad, now that Ted’s gone. See, Jake got the funny part down, but he was missing Ted’s sexy cockiness, which Kyle doesn’t possess either. It’s funny how they had to bring in two actors to replace David Lascher.

Then again, since they put Lascher in the opening credits as of this episode, presumably preparing the audience for his return, then why introduce Kyle at all? Maybe the episode had already been taped when word came down of Lascher’s return?

I believe adding Kyle was a mistake. The girls have always been outnumbered, so adding a new female character would have been nice. I wonder if that’s what they were trying to do with Betty.

The one good thing that I can say about this episode is we finally got a Lucy story (even if it ended up being a subplot) and some backstory on her.

The final thing that I’ll say is this doesn’t feel like a season 3 episode. It feels like we’re already in season 4. Have you ever heard of a television series adding a new main character (and forecasting the addition/return of another) in a season finale?

Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 7

Season 3, Episode 12: The Bad Seed

Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: June 22, 1990

38-01-meetingIn the cold open, Mr. Ernst is holding a staff meeting in the lunch area. I’m not sure who the guy sitting next to Betty is, but I’m guessing he was dragged in to make the staff seem bigger, since Lucy’s missing her fifth episode in a row. The actor isn’t credited. Neither is Betty’s actor.

38-02-Jake-smartassMr. Ernst has to put up with some smartassery from Jake. Mustache Dude looks bored. Eventually, Mr. Ernst brings up the tired old mantra: “The customer is always right.” Jake says more smartass shit.

38-03-Jake-volunteersJake “volunteers” to roleplay a scenario with Mr. Ernst.

38-04-Ernst-mountsHowever, Jake objects to assfucking his uncle in public, so Mr. Ernst changes it to something about customer service.

38-05-Ernst-drinksMr. Ernst pretends to be a guest.

38-06-Jake-splashedHe splashes Jake with water.

38-07-Ernst-insultsHe then insults his staff (the main group, anyway) in a stereotypical redneck accent – hesitating and not really insulting Buddy. Okay, that was kind of cute.

Mr. Ernst asks Jake what he has to say. Jake suggests discussing it with the owner. Mr. Ernst (as the guest) insults the owner and then asks Jake what he has to say. Jake tells the “guest” that he might be right.

38-08-Ernst-ownedFucking owned, yo.

38-09-Ernst-congrats-JakeMr. Ernst is a good sport about it and congratulates “Jakearoo”.

38-10-Jake-pissed38-11-Jake-splashes-Ernst38-12-Jake-wipes-ErnstAfter the credits, Jake and Betty try to dry Mr. Ernst. Jake apologizes. He explains it’s a reflex action, because he hates the name “Jakearoo”. It was his pet name that his mother called him when he was young. Mr. Ernst embarrasses him by bringing up that Jake’s mother had made a kangaroo suit for Jake, and Jake used to hop around while wearing it. Jake threatens to reveal Mr. Ernst’s pet name that his (Mr. Ernst’s) mother used to use and even asks him to say it himself, but Mr. Ernst says he wouldn’t throw water in someone’s face for saying it.

38-13-Angie-parentsA couple comes by. There’s an emergency back east that they have to attend to, but they can’t find anyone to look after their daughter, Angie. I guess they don’t want to pay for an extra plane ticket.

Angie is played by Laura E. Potter. “Hey Dude” was her only acting gig.

Angie’s father is played by David Carey Foster. This was his first acting gig, the beginning of a long (albeit oddly sporadic) career that continues to this day. He’s also a stage actor (perhaps primarily). IMDb accidentally also credits him for the same role back in “Teacher’s Pest”, which is obviously wrong.

Angie’s mother is played by Annette Hillman. “Hey Dude” was her only acting gig.

They want to leave Angie, who brought her own sandwiches, at the ranch. Mr. Ernst objects. The teens try to convince him to let Angie stay, but he tries to let her down gently.

38-14-Ernst-cashEventually, Mr. Ernst sees the light.

Angie’s mom gives Mr. Ernst a contact phone number and tries to get Angie to say she’ll stay out of trouble. She doesn’t; she sounds…foreboding. Angie’s dad wants to get away “before the nice man changes his mind”.

Mr. Ernst welcomes Angie to the Bar None and makes the introductions. The others greet Angie. Mr. Ernst goes to find a room for Angie. Why not the one that she was staying in? He invites Angie to help herself to some leftover barbecue, and then he and the teens leave, leaving Angie alone, because that’s totally the responsible thing to do. Yeah, Betty and Mustache Dude had already cleaned up after themselves and left once the meeting was over.

38-15-Angie-carvesIf you couldn’t already figure it out, Angie is a little, two-faced bitch. She throws away her sandwiches, hates and insults the barbecue, and starts carving into the table with a knife.

38-16-Buddy-catches-AngieBuddy comes back (his dad wants to know Angie’s room type preference) and catches Angie. Angie says Buddy “didn’t see anything” and covers the table.

38-17-Ernst-AngieMr. Ernst comes by. Angie’s room is ready. Mr. Ernst seemingly picked one when Buddy didn’t immediately return with an answer. Mr. Ernst asks Angie about the barbecue. Angie says she’s not hungry. For whatever goddamn reason, Buddy doesn’t tell his dad what Angie did. As Mr. Ernst leads her away, Angie looks back at Buddy and sticks out her tongue. Mr. Ernst gets on Buddy’s case about “just standing there”, and he follows them in defeat. Why is so hard to say “I caught Angie carving into the table?” Is Buddy seriously scared of this little girl?

38-18-Brad-guestsLater, in the main lodge, Brad claims she was “so excited” when she heard two guests were coming back this year. It’s official; this is a later summer than the start of the series. She tells Heather, the female guest, about some new horses, including a “beautiful” chestnut. I like this. It has absolutely nothing to do with the episode, but it’s something that would be done “around” the main plot in real life.

Also, it proves Brad is much better with memorizing people than I am. At work, someone will talk to me as if we know each other. They’ll ask “How’s your mom?” or say “I’ll see you in church” (they usually sit somewhere behind me, so I never see them) or “I know where you live; I see you outside mowing the lawn” (no shit). Most times, I stare blankly back at them (when I’m making eye contact at all) and wonder “Who the fuck are you?” Worse are the guys that address me by name and ask me how I am as if we’re close buddies, and I’m thinking “Do I fucking know you?” Of course, the answer is no, but that’s because I have no social life. Apparently, working with the public makes people think I do. But I digress…

38-19-Jake-frisbeeJake, Buddy, and Angie come in. They had been playing frisbee, and Angie had “accidentally” hit Mr. Ernst in the head with it. Jake’s been hit in the head by frisbees “dozens of times”.

38-20-Angie-kisses-JakeAngie kisses Jake and thanks him for being “especially nice” to her. He gives her the frisbee and leaves, and she loudly calls him an idiot soon after he walks out of the shot. No kidding. Again, why do writers expect us to believe the characters don’t hear things that they obviously should?

Buddy and Angie argue about Angie’s attitude. Melody “interests” her, because Angie believes Melody’s outwardly cutesy and sweet personality is covering up insanity. She advises keeping Melody away from sharp, pointy objects and automatic weapons. Okay, that’s seriously twisted thinking (I agree with Buddy), but it’s an interesting observation.

19-25-Melody-stabs-Ted35-57-Melody-chokes-BearAngie’s not sure about Buddy yet. She wants to throw the frisbee in the lodge, but Buddy argues against it. Angie seems to back down, but then…

38-21-Angie-frisbee38-22-frisbee-monkey38-23-Buddy-monkeyAngie destroys Mr. Ernst’s ceramic monkey, which he made in pottery class in accounting school. Yeah, you read that right. Anyway, it means a lot to Mr. Ernst. I’m not going to look back through the previous episodes to see if that thing was sitting there before. Angie is unconcerned. Buddy yells at her. Angie blames him for not catching the frisbee. Buddy says they’ll both be in a lot of trouble.

38-24-Angie-monkeyAngie sets the monkey back in its place, willing to let whoever happens to next touch the monkey to take the blame for breaking it. Angie scares Buddy with the frisbee before leaving. Why is Buddy reluctant to tell his dad about the monkey? He’s not at fault. In fact, he tried to stop Angie from throwing the frisbee.

38-25-chefAt lunch, Buddy tries to tell his dad, but Mr. Ernst needs to see something.

Hmmm, there’s a new chef. What happened to Sam? Was he replaced? Maybe the Bar None has more than one chef. Who knows?

The chef is played by Michael J. Martinez. “Hey Dude” was his only acting gig. Fucking seriously, show?! You credit the chef’s actor but not Betty’s actor?!

38-26-Hardy-JakeAnyway, a guest deliberately walks into Jake’s path, grabs a cup of water, splashes himself with it, and chews Jake out. For some fucking reason, Jake apologizes. The guests calls Jake a “Jakearoo”.

38-27-Jake-cup38-28-Ernst-HardyJake backs down. Mr. Ernst congratulates Jake and thanks the guest, Jim Hardy, for playing along. Jim enjoyed it, because it reminded him of his old college acting days. He goes back to the pool.

Mr. Hardy is played by Charles DiPinto (not misspelled in this episode as “Charles DiPintno” as IMDb claims). “Hey Dude” was his first acting gig. Supposedly, he was an uncredited background cowboy in “Bar None Babysitter”. He’ll show up in a later episode as a different character. It would be ten years before his next acting gig, eight more years before his third, and two more years before his fourth (and most recent) in 2010. He also appeared in a 2014 documentary. Really odd.

Mr. Ernst congratulates Jake, but Jake is upset that his uncle tricked him and goes to get some more water.

38-29-Melody-BuddyMelody comes by and asks Buddy where his dad is going, and Buddy somehow knows his dad is (apparently) getting more water (I guess out of a sense of guilt). They’re both upset and talk for a bit about when to rat on someone or keep your mouth shut.

38-30-Melody-monkeyMelody reveals she broke Mr. Ernst’s ceramic monkey while dusting. She plans to glue it back together to soften the blow and then tell him.

38-31-Angie-matchesLater, Angie is lighting and tosses matches at the hay shack, because she’s a fucking psychopath.

Buddy comes by and catches her. He wants her to tell his dad the truth about the monkey. She refuses. He threatens to tell his dad. Angie says it’s a “really big mistake”, and he “never threaten[s]” her.

38-32-Angie-combMotherfuckin’…

38-33-Angie-comb-2Oh.

38-34-fireThe hay catches fire. Buddy tries to put it out.

There’s a little clicking sound after the fade-out.

38-35-Angie-Buddy-matchesAfter the commercial break, Buddy wants to get water. Angie tosses the box of matches to Buddy and runs off to “get the water”. Buddy pockets the matches.

38-36-guysMr. Ernst, Danny, and Jake arrive. Mr. Ernst asks Buddy what happened. Buddy doesn’t say. Danny tries to put out the fire.

38-37-groupMelody and Brad arrive with buckets of water. Angie arrives with the hose and tells Mr. Ernst that it was an accident. She claims ignorance. Danny takes the hose from her. Mr. Ernst asks for more information. Jake talks about spontaneous combustion.

38-38-Buddy-AngieBuddy rats out Angie. Angie accuses Buddy, and the others seem to believe her. What the fuck? They know Buddy! They don’t know this girl. Mr. Ernst wants to “settle” this by seeing who has the matches. How is that proof of who set the fire?

38-39-Angie-pockets38-40-Buddy-matchesBuddy tries to tell his dad that Angie set him up, but Mr. Ernst won’t have it. He’s angry at Buddy for playing with matches, lying about it, and blaming an innocent girl. What the fuck?! Why are they automatically taking Angie’s side?!

Mr. Ernst orders Buddy to clean up the mess and then come straight to his office to discuss a suitable punishment. He and the teen staff members leave, Buddy’s “friends” shaking their heads in disapproval. Angie “apologizes” to Buddy for a bit and then tells him that she’s his “worst nightmare”.

38-41-Angie-happy38-42-Buddy-worksThe next day (I guess), Buddy is on shit duty at the corral and pretending he’s a prisoner in North Korea or some shit.

38-43-Buddy-confrontedBrad, Danny, and Jake come by, pissed at him, but Buddy has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. They send him to his dad’s office. After he leaves, they talk about him in disbelief.

38-44-Ernst-monkeyIn the main lodge (why not in his office?), an upset Mr. Ernst is comforted by Melody.

38-45-Ernst-confronts-BuddyBuddy arrives. Mr. Ernst confronts him about the monkey. Buddy claims ignorance. Mr. Ernst hands him a note.

38-46-Buddy-note“Your ceramic monkey is broken. You could find it in Melody’s bunk, but she didn’t break it; Angie did.”

Instead of trying to set the record straight, Buddy’s a bit of a smartass, taking the note proof that Angie did it. However, Mr. Ernst cries “You broke my monkey!” (*snickers*), and Melody accuses Buddy of writing the letter to blame Angie. Okay, stop. Does Mr. Ernst not recognize his own son’s handwriting? Would he not be able to tell the letter was written by someone other than his son? Sure, they could say Buddy “disguised” his handwriting “to make it look like Angie wrote it”, but the simple solution is to go to Angie, come up with an excuse for her to write something, and compare it against the letter.

38-47-Angie-liesMr. Ernst calls Angie over. Comforted by Melody, the little bitch proceeds to lie her ass off, portraying herself as anguished over ratting out Buddy. Buddy yells at her, but his dad insists “Angie told us the truth”. Buddy says Angie broke the monkey and wrote the note. Mr. Ernst asks why. Buddy explains, obviously, that it was to make it look like Buddy did it. While Mr. Ernst is trying to follow this mind-blowing train of thought, there’s a weird click sound. Anyway, Mr. Ernst says it’s “far-fetched”. No, it fucking isn’t. Buddy calls Angie devious (another click occurring as he does so). Mr. Ernst offers to go easy on Buddy is he accepts responsibility. Buddy insists he didn’t do anything, so he first punishment is to go down to the docks and clean the hulls of all of the boats before dark. Mr. Ernst hands Buddy the keys and tells him to find the key to the cleaning supply shed. Mr. Ernst wants Melody and Angie to come with him, but Angie wants to talk to Buddy for a moment. Mr. Ernst allows it. Before she leaves, Melody expresses her disgust at Buddy, and then she follows Mr. Ernst and offers to put his monkey together for him. Once they’re alone (but probably not far enough away to not hear), Angie tells Buddy that she can play them like a violin. Buddy calls Angie evil. Angie wonders if any of the keys start the Jeep. Buddy takes them away from her. Angie says he’s no fun and goes out to “wreak some more havoc”.

38-48-Buddy-ideaSuddenly, looking at the keys, Buddy has an idea.

38-49-Angie-rockAt the dock, Angie throws rocks at the fishes, because she’s a fucking psychopath.

38-50-Buddy-keysBuddy comes by, leaving the keys unattended as he goes down the steps.

38-51-Buddy-workHe tells Angie to get out, so he can work.

38-52-Angie-keys38-53-Buddy-happy38-54-Jake-AngieBack in the main lodge, Angie tries to unlock the cash register (somehow either knowing which key to use or getting it right on her first try) but is interrupted by Jake, who seemingly doesn’t see what’s going on. Angie is nervous.

38-55-Jake-Angie-2He’s staring right at the cash register with the fucking key in it!

Jake offers to throw the frisbee, which Angie nervously agrees to, and then he leaves. Angie loudly insults him while we still hear his footsteps. For fuck’s sake, writers, it’s not hard to specify characters whisper – if they need to talk at all.

38-56-Angie-registerAngie wants to put a few bills in Buddy’s room (she knows which room is his?) to incriminate him and pocket the rest. Buddy is hiding in his dad’s office and takes a photo of her.

38-57-Buddy-AngieBuddy takes a moment to gloat.

38-58-Buddy-keyAngie tries to unlock the door, but Buddy reveals this is the one key that he took off the key ring. Angie mockingly asks Buddy if he’s gonna show and tell on her, but he, surprisingly, says they’re insurance against her getting him into any more trouble. For a plan that required Angie to swipe the keys and desire to open the cash register (in other words, this easily couldn’t have worked), Buddy should show this picture to his dad and get Angie in a shitload of trouble. Why is he being so lenient with this bitch?!

Angie claims to be impressed, but Buddy doesn’t care. He orders her to return the money to the cash register and give him the keys. He also asks why she is as she is. She gives him a “my parents hate me and never wanted me” sob story. She offers him the keys without returning the money to the cash register.

38-59-Angie-grabs-BuddyBuddy, you’re a fucking idiot.

38-60-Angie-psychoAngie loudly says it’s fun to do twisted shit and threatens Buddy with physical harm unless he gives her the keys and “pictures” (Buddy took more than one?).

38-61-Ernst-catchesWell, wouldn’t you know it? A character finally overhears the little bitch.

38-62-Angie-runsAngie tries to bullshit her way out of it, but she soon makes a run for it.

38-63-Angie-caughtMr. Ernst has them take Angie over yonder and sit on her if need be. I’d love to see that. Angie vows they haven’t seen the last of her. Yes, we have.

So…what exactly happened? Buddy initiated a plan that was dependent upon Angie stealing the keys and stealing cash out of the register. He took an incriminating photo of her but didn’t plan to use it to get out of the trouble that he was already in. Angie got caught only when she grabbed Buddy’s arm and started yelling at him. Did Jake grow suspicious when he saw Angie by the cash register and then went to notify Mr. Ernst? But why were the others waiting to catch Angie? Or were they just conveniently there? Did Buddy inform everyone of his plan and ask them to wait in place? This really makes no sense.

38-64-Buddy-ErnstAnyway, Mr. Ernst apologizes to Buddy for not trusting him and asks for his punishment. Buddy suggests waiting tables, which Mr. Ernst finds amusing.

38-65-Buddy-hammockThe pre-credits scene at the end has Mr. Ernst serving the guests on his own in the shadow of his overlord.

38-66-Ernst-BettyBetty¬†(the one staffer that isn’t in servitude to Buddy) tries to help Mr. Ernst, but he tells her that he’s supposed to do everything himself today.

38-67-Ernst-guest.jpgMr. Ernst lightly bumps into a guest, who makes a huge deal about it, calls him “Mr. Ernest”, and invokes “the customer is always right” when Mr. Ernst corrects him. The asshole calls him “Mr. Earwax”.

The guest is played by Clayton Tevis. “Hey Dude” was his second and final acting gig after a role in a 1987 movie called “Thunder II”.

IMDb lists Henry W. Laster as playing an uncredited guest in this episode. He’s previously uncredited as appearing as a kid guest in “Dueling Ranches” and will show up one more time (also uncredited).

38-68-Ernst-figuresMr. Ernst figures “those kids” (why not just Jake?) are getting back at him.

38-69-Ernst-splashes-138-70-Ernst-splashes-2The asshole storms off, telling Mr. Ernst that he lost a customer.

38-71-Ernst-laughsThe teens (especially Brad) are shocked, but Mr. Ernst is “on to [their] little game”: they’re trying to get back at him for setting up Jake. Jake and the others correct him. Realizing what he’s done, Mr. Ernst calls out an apology to the asshole, and then…

38-72-Ernst-waterSo ends another day at the Bar None.

This fucking episode. So much stuff happens due to Buddy withholding information, characters not overhearing Angie, and Buddy’s father and supposed friends suddenly believing he’s a delinquent. On top of that, the resolution was confusing. Fucking fuck, writer.

Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 8