Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: June 22, 1990
In the cold open, Mr. Ernst is holding a staff meeting in the lunch area. I’m not sure who the guy sitting next to Betty is, but I’m guessing he was dragged in to make the staff seem bigger, since Lucy’s missing her fifth episode in a row. The actor isn’t credited. Neither is Betty’s actor.
Mr. Ernst has to put up with some smartassery from Jake. Mustache Dude looks bored. Eventually, Mr. Ernst brings up the tired old mantra: “The customer is always right.” Jake says more smartass shit.
Jake “volunteers” to roleplay a scenario with Mr. Ernst.
However, Jake objects to assfucking his uncle in public, so Mr. Ernst changes it to something about customer service.
Mr. Ernst pretends to be a guest.
He splashes Jake with water.
He then insults his staff (the main group, anyway) in a stereotypical redneck accent – hesitating and not really insulting Buddy. Okay, that was kind of cute.
Mr. Ernst asks Jake what he has to say. Jake suggests discussing it with the owner. Mr. Ernst (as the guest) insults the owner and then asks Jake what he has to say. Jake tells the “guest” that he might be right.
Fucking owned, yo.
Mr. Ernst is a good sport about it and congratulates “Jakearoo”.
After the credits, Jake and Betty try to dry Mr. Ernst. Jake apologizes. He explains it’s a reflex action, because he hates the name “Jakearoo”. It was his pet name that his mother called him when he was young. Mr. Ernst embarrasses him by bringing up that Jake’s mother had made a kangaroo suit for Jake, and Jake used to hop around while wearing it. Jake threatens to reveal Mr. Ernst’s pet name that his (Mr. Ernst’s) mother used to use and even asks him to say it himself, but Mr. Ernst says he wouldn’t throw water in someone’s face for saying it.
A couple comes by. There’s an emergency back east that they have to attend to, but they can’t find anyone to look after their daughter, Angie. I guess they don’t want to pay for an extra plane ticket.
Angie is played by Laura E. Potter. “Hey Dude” was her only acting gig.
Angie’s father is played by David Carey Foster. This was his first acting gig, the beginning of a long (albeit oddly sporadic) career that continues to this day. He’s also a stage actor (perhaps primarily). IMDb accidentally also credits him for the same role back in “Teacher’s Pest”, which is obviously wrong.
Angie’s mother is played by Annette Hillman. “Hey Dude” was her only acting gig.
They want to leave Angie, who brought her own sandwiches, at the ranch. Mr. Ernst objects. The teens try to convince him to let Angie stay, but he tries to let her down gently.
Eventually, Mr. Ernst sees the light.
Angie’s mom gives Mr. Ernst a contact phone number and tries to get Angie to say she’ll stay out of trouble. She doesn’t; she sounds…foreboding. Angie’s dad wants to get away “before the nice man changes his mind”.
Mr. Ernst welcomes Angie to the Bar None and makes the introductions. The others greet Angie. Mr. Ernst goes to find a room for Angie. Why not the one that she was staying in? He invites Angie to help herself to some leftover barbecue, and then he and the teens leave, leaving Angie alone, because that’s totally the responsible thing to do. Yeah, Betty and Mustache Dude had already cleaned up after themselves and left once the meeting was over.
If you couldn’t already figure it out, Angie is a little, two-faced bitch. She throws away her sandwiches, hates and insults the barbecue, and starts carving into the table with a knife.
Buddy comes back (his dad wants to know Angie’s room type preference) and catches Angie. Angie says Buddy “didn’t see anything” and covers the table.
Mr. Ernst comes by. Angie’s room is ready. Mr. Ernst seemingly picked one when Buddy didn’t immediately return with an answer. Mr. Ernst asks Angie about the barbecue. Angie says she’s not hungry. For whatever goddamn reason, Buddy doesn’t tell his dad what Angie did. As Mr. Ernst leads her away, Angie looks back at Buddy and sticks out her tongue. Mr. Ernst gets on Buddy’s case about “just standing there”, and he follows them in defeat. Why is so hard to say “I caught Angie carving into the table?” Is Buddy seriously scared of this little girl?
Later, in the main lodge, Brad claims she was “so excited” when she heard two guests were coming back this year. It’s official; this is a later summer than the start of the series. She tells Heather, the female guest, about some new horses, including a “beautiful” chestnut. I like this. It has absolutely nothing to do with the episode, but it’s something that would be done “around” the main plot in real life.
Also, it proves Brad is much better with memorizing people than I am. At work, someone will talk to me as if we know each other. They’ll ask “How’s your mom?” or say “I’ll see you in church” (they usually sit somewhere behind me, so I never see them) or “I know where you live; I see you outside mowing the lawn” (no shit). Most times, I stare blankly back at them (when I’m making eye contact at all) and wonder “Who the fuck are you?” Worse are the guys that address me by name and ask me how I am as if we’re close buddies, and I’m thinking “Do I fucking know you?” Of course, the answer is no, but that’s because I have no social life. Apparently, working with the public makes people think I do. But I digress…
Jake, Buddy, and Angie come in. They had been playing frisbee, and Angie had “accidentally” hit Mr. Ernst in the head with it. Jake’s been hit in the head by frisbees “dozens of times”.
Angie kisses Jake and thanks him for being “especially nice” to her. He gives her the frisbee and leaves, and she loudly calls him an idiot soon after he walks out of the shot. No kidding. Again, why do writers expect us to believe the characters don’t hear things that they obviously should?
Buddy and Angie argue about Angie’s attitude. Melody “interests” her, because Angie believes Melody’s outwardly cutesy and sweet personality is covering up insanity. She advises keeping Melody away from sharp, pointy objects and automatic weapons. Okay, that’s seriously twisted thinking (I agree with Buddy), but it’s an interesting observation.
Angie’s not sure about Buddy yet. She wants to throw the frisbee in the lodge, but Buddy argues against it. Angie seems to back down, but then…
Angie destroys Mr. Ernst’s ceramic monkey, which he made in pottery class in accounting school. Yeah, you read that right. Anyway, it means a lot to Mr. Ernst. I’m not going to look back through the previous episodes to see if that thing was sitting there before. Angie is unconcerned. Buddy yells at her. Angie blames him for not catching the frisbee. Buddy says they’ll both be in a lot of trouble.
Angie sets the monkey back in its place, willing to let whoever happens to next touch the monkey to take the blame for breaking it. Angie scares Buddy with the frisbee before leaving. Why is Buddy reluctant to tell his dad about the monkey? He’s not at fault. In fact, he tried to stop Angie from throwing the frisbee.
At lunch, Buddy tries to tell his dad, but Mr. Ernst needs to see something.
Hmmm, there’s a new chef. What happened to Sam? Was he replaced? Maybe the Bar None has more than one chef. Who knows?
The chef is played by Michael J. Martinez. “Hey Dude” was his only acting gig. Fucking seriously, show?! You credit the chef’s actor but not Betty’s actor?!
Anyway, a guest deliberately walks into Jake’s path, grabs a cup of water, splashes himself with it, and chews Jake out. For some fucking reason, Jake apologizes. The guests calls Jake a “Jakearoo”.
Jake backs down. Mr. Ernst congratulates Jake and thanks the guest, Jim Hardy, for playing along. Jim enjoyed it, because it reminded him of his old college acting days. He goes back to the pool.
Mr. Hardy is played by Charles DiPinto (not misspelled in this episode as “Charles DiPintno” as IMDb claims). “Hey Dude” was his first acting gig. Supposedly, he was an uncredited background cowboy in “Bar None Babysitter”. He’ll show up in a later episode as a different character. It would be ten years before his next acting gig, eight more years before his third, and two more years before his fourth (and most recent) in 2010. He also appeared in a 2014 documentary. Really odd.
Mr. Ernst congratulates Jake, but Jake is upset that his uncle tricked him and goes to get some more water.
Melody comes by and asks Buddy where his dad is going, and Buddy somehow knows his dad is (apparently) getting more water (I guess out of a sense of guilt). They’re both upset and talk for a bit about when to rat on someone or keep your mouth shut.
Melody reveals she broke Mr. Ernst’s ceramic monkey while dusting. She plans to glue it back together to soften the blow and then tell him.
Later, Angie is lighting and tosses matches at the hay shack, because she’s a fucking psychopath.
Buddy comes by and catches her. He wants her to tell his dad the truth about the monkey. She refuses. He threatens to tell his dad. Angie says it’s a “really big mistake”, and he “never threaten[s]” her.
The hay catches fire. Buddy tries to put it out.
There’s a little clicking sound after the fade-out.
After the commercial break, Buddy wants to get water. Angie tosses the box of matches to Buddy and runs off to “get the water”. Buddy pockets the matches.
Mr. Ernst, Danny, and Jake arrive. Mr. Ernst asks Buddy what happened. Buddy doesn’t say. Danny tries to put out the fire.
Melody and Brad arrive with buckets of water. Angie arrives with the hose and tells Mr. Ernst that it was an accident. She claims ignorance. Danny takes the hose from her. Mr. Ernst asks for more information. Jake talks about spontaneous combustion.
Buddy rats out Angie. Angie accuses Buddy, and the others seem to believe her. What the fuck? They know Buddy! They don’t know this girl. Mr. Ernst wants to “settle” this by seeing who has the matches. How is that proof of who set the fire?
Buddy tries to tell his dad that Angie set him up, but Mr. Ernst won’t have it. He’s angry at Buddy for playing with matches, lying about it, and blaming an innocent girl. What the fuck?! Why are they automatically taking Angie’s side?!
Mr. Ernst orders Buddy to clean up the mess and then come straight to his office to discuss a suitable punishment. He and the teen staff members leave, Buddy’s “friends” shaking their heads in disapproval. Angie “apologizes” to Buddy for a bit and then tells him that she’s his “worst nightmare”.
The next day (I guess), Buddy is on shit duty at the corral and pretending he’s a prisoner in North Korea or some shit.
Brad, Danny, and Jake come by, pissed at him, but Buddy has no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. They send him to his dad’s office. After he leaves, they talk about him in disbelief.
In the main lodge (why not in his office?), an upset Mr. Ernst is comforted by Melody.
Buddy arrives. Mr. Ernst confronts him about the monkey. Buddy claims ignorance. Mr. Ernst hands him a note.
“Your ceramic monkey is broken. You could find it in Melody’s bunk, but she didn’t break it; Angie did.”
Instead of trying to set the record straight, Buddy’s a bit of a smartass, taking the note proof that Angie did it. However, Mr. Ernst cries “You broke my monkey!” (*snickers*), and Melody accuses Buddy of writing the letter to blame Angie. Okay, stop. Does Mr. Ernst not recognize his own son’s handwriting? Would he not be able to tell the letter was written by someone other than his son? Sure, they could say Buddy “disguised” his handwriting “to make it look like Angie wrote it”, but the simple solution is to go to Angie, come up with an excuse for her to write something, and compare it against the letter.
Mr. Ernst calls Angie over. Comforted by Melody, the little bitch proceeds to lie her ass off, portraying herself as anguished over ratting out Buddy. Buddy yells at her, but his dad insists “Angie told us the truth”. Buddy says Angie broke the monkey and wrote the note. Mr. Ernst asks why. Buddy explains, obviously, that it was to make it look like Buddy did it. While Mr. Ernst is trying to follow this mind-blowing train of thought, there’s a weird click sound. Anyway, Mr. Ernst says it’s “far-fetched”. No, it fucking isn’t. Buddy calls Angie devious (another click occurring as he does so). Mr. Ernst offers to go easy on Buddy is he accepts responsibility. Buddy insists he didn’t do anything, so he first punishment is to go down to the docks and clean the hulls of all of the boats before dark. Mr. Ernst hands Buddy the keys and tells him to find the key to the cleaning supply shed. Mr. Ernst wants Melody and Angie to come with him, but Angie wants to talk to Buddy for a moment. Mr. Ernst allows it. Before she leaves, Melody expresses her disgust at Buddy, and then she follows Mr. Ernst and offers to put his monkey together for him. Once they’re alone (but probably not far enough away to not hear), Angie tells Buddy that she can play them like a violin. Buddy calls Angie evil. Angie wonders if any of the keys start the Jeep. Buddy takes them away from her. Angie says he’s no fun and goes out to “wreak some more havoc”.
Suddenly, looking at the keys, Buddy has an idea.
At the dock, Angie throws rocks at the fishes, because she’s a fucking psychopath.
Buddy comes by, leaving the keys unattended as he goes down the steps.
He tells Angie to get out, so he can work.
Back in the main lodge, Angie tries to unlock the cash register (somehow either knowing which key to use or getting it right on her first try) but is interrupted by Jake, who seemingly doesn’t see what’s going on. Angie is nervous.
He’s staring right at the cash register with the fucking key in it!
Jake offers to throw the frisbee, which Angie nervously agrees to, and then he leaves. Angie loudly insults him while we still hear his footsteps. For fuck’s sake, writers, it’s not hard to specify characters whisper – if they need to talk at all.
Angie wants to put a few bills in Buddy’s room (she knows which room is his?) to incriminate him and pocket the rest. Buddy is hiding in his dad’s office and takes a photo of her.
Buddy takes a moment to gloat.
Angie tries to unlock the door, but Buddy reveals this is the one key that he took off the key ring. Angie mockingly asks Buddy if he’s gonna show and tell on her, but he, surprisingly, says they’re insurance against her getting him into any more trouble. For a plan that required Angie to swipe the keys and desire to open the cash register (in other words, this easily couldn’t have worked), Buddy should show this picture to his dad and get Angie in a shitload of trouble. Why is he being so lenient with this bitch?!
Angie claims to be impressed, but Buddy doesn’t care. He orders her to return the money to the cash register and give him the keys. He also asks why she is as she is. She gives him a “my parents hate me and never wanted me” sob story. She offers him the keys without returning the money to the cash register.
Buddy, you’re a fucking idiot.
Angie loudly says it’s fun to do twisted shit and threatens Buddy with physical harm unless he gives her the keys and “pictures” (Buddy took more than one?).
Well, wouldn’t you know it? A character finally overhears the little bitch.
Angie tries to bullshit her way out of it, but she soon makes a run for it.
Mr. Ernst has them take Angie over yonder and sit on her if need be. I’d love to see that. Angie vows they haven’t seen the last of her. Yes, we have.
So…what exactly happened? Buddy initiated a plan that was dependent upon Angie stealing the keys and stealing cash out of the register. He took an incriminating photo of her but didn’t plan to use it to get out of the trouble that he was already in. Angie got caught only when she grabbed Buddy’s arm and started yelling at him. Did Jake grow suspicious when he saw Angie by the cash register and then went to notify Mr. Ernst? But why were the others waiting to catch Angie? Or were they just conveniently there? Did Buddy inform everyone of his plan and ask them to wait in place? This really makes no sense.
Anyway, Mr. Ernst apologizes to Buddy for not trusting him and asks for his punishment. Buddy suggests waiting tables, which Mr. Ernst finds amusing.
The pre-credits scene at the end has Mr. Ernst serving the guests on his own in the shadow of his overlord.
Betty (the one staffer that isn’t in servitude to Buddy) tries to help Mr. Ernst, but he tells her that he’s supposed to do everything himself today.
Mr. Ernst lightly bumps into a guest, who makes a huge deal about it, calls him “Mr. Ernest”, and invokes “the customer is always right” when Mr. Ernst corrects him. The asshole calls him “Mr. Earwax”.
The guest is played by Clayton Tevis. “Hey Dude” was his second and final acting gig after a role in a 1987 movie called “Thunder II”.
IMDb lists Henry W. Laster as playing an uncredited guest in this episode. He’s previously uncredited as appearing as a kid guest in “Dueling Ranches” and will show up one more time (also uncredited).
Mr. Ernst figures “those kids” (why not just Jake?) are getting back at him.
The asshole storms off, telling Mr. Ernst that he lost a customer.
The teens (especially Brad) are shocked, but Mr. Ernst is “on to [their] little game”: they’re trying to get back at him for setting up Jake. Jake and the others correct him. Realizing what he’s done, Mr. Ernst calls out an apology to the asshole, and then…
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This fucking episode. So much stuff happens due to Buddy withholding information, characters not overhearing Angie, and Buddy’s father and supposed friends suddenly believing he’s a delinquent. On top of that, the resolution was confusing. Fucking fuck, writer.
Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 8