Writer: Lisa Melamed
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: June 29, 1990
In the cold open, it’s hot, the guys complain about the heat, and the girls wish the guys would shut the fuck up.
Mr. Ernst is upset that the gang is sitting around and doing nothing, but he’s hot as well. He says morale is down, the guests are grumpy, and the horses are sweaty.
However, he has a plan: the First Annual Bar None Midsummer Nights Hoedown – a dance this Friday night. All that the teens have to do is get the party set up, and they get the night off. Brad would rather work, because she doesn’t dance. Danny points out her ballet classes, which is a callback to “Goldilocks” (season 1, episode 03). Brad says ballet is dignified and a group dance where individuals don’t stand out, but “flailing around” to fast music is not her.
Jake suddenly says he “Jakedance[s]”. He proceeds to demonstrate:
No, there’s absolutely no point to this other than “Jake’s weird”. It never comes up again.
I do like, however, how Mr. Ernst just turns away, embarrassed.
The others don’t like it either.
Oh, look, they added a new main character. Kyle is played by Geoffrey Coy. “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig according to IMDb. However, at the reunion panel in 2014, Geoffrey Coy mentioned he had been in two Disney films (he didn’t name them), but his scenes were cut. He left acting after “Hey Dude” ended, and he’s now a director of marketing.
What the fuck?
There are still quite a few episodes until Ted returns to the series. I have no idea why David Lascher is in the opening credits for this episode. Perhaps, with “A Family for Joe” pulled from the schedule around a month earlier, Lascher knew – or at least felt – the series was doomed, so he asked to come back to “Hey Dude”, and they put him back in the opening credits to get the audience ready. However, if I was watching this episode new in 1990, I would have been confused and disappointed.
After the credits, on another day, Jake is building a band platform for the big dance. Buddy gets a non-serious idea regarding a trap door and a mud pit.
Oh, look, Lucy decided to show up for the season finale. The last time that she appeared was in “Dueling Ranches” (season 3, episode 07). She wants Jake to pick up the pace. There’s a “Jake’s weird” bit where Jake pauses and silently apologizes to the nail before hammering it, but Lucy doesn’t put up with that bullshit.
A mysterious guy comes up behind Lucy, indicates for the guys to keep quiet, and surprises Lucy.
Bad idea. Lucy hates being sneaked up on.
This “old dog” is Bill, Lucy’s old flame, who she hasn’t seen or heard from for five years but thinks about all of the time. Bill’s rodeo is in town for the week, and he and his son, Kyle, are staying at the Bar None.
Holy shit! Backstory on Lucy! I…I gotta sit down. Wait, I am sitting down. Never mind. Moving on…
Bill is played by James R. Bailey, III. “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig.
Anyway, Bill teases Lucy with the prospect of settling down and the two of them living in a nice house together, but Lucy doesn’t want him getting her hopes up, because “this always happens to” them. Bill insists he means it this time. Lucy decides to buy Bill a lunch of ribs (he wants to get away from Jake and Buddy). Buddy and Jake are left alone and amazed.
Kyle sneaks into the corral and preps a horse.
Brad walks right past him but is still somehow surprised that the gear that she had placed earlier is missing.
Brad politely confronts Kyle. Kyle belittles her. Brad references an unseen sign that horses and equipment are to be handled by staff only. Kyle is surprised to learn Brad works here; he’d thought she’s a model or something. Haha, yeah, imagine that. Brad asks Kyle some basic questions, but he claims he’s an expert, and he says the only “real riding” is “western”. He also wants to saddle the horse himself and says they’re wasting time talking, but Brad cites the rule again and states nobody talks to her like that except for her 93-year-old grandmother. Huh. If Brad doesn’t take shit from almost anyone, then why does she make an exception for her old-ass grandma? Kyle asks if Brad’s grandma can still walk, wonders how Brad can ride in such “dressy” clothes, and says girls shouldn’t work on ranches.
Kyle, stay perfectly still and let the nice lady beat the everloving shit out of you.
Brad decides job be damned and starts to lay into Kyle. Oh, to be rich like her and not worry about money. The things that I would tell asshole customers…
Unfortunately, Lucy and Bill show up and ruin what would have been a glorious scene. Lucy guesses Kyle and Brad have a lot in common. Brad quickly leaves, confusing Kyle (seriously). Kyle declines joining his dad and Lucy for a walk up in the hills but will catch up with them later tonight. Kyle is left alone to ponder Brad.
The next day (I guess; the gang is wearing the same clothes from the cold open), Buddy brings Kyle over for dinner. Brad wants to leave. Melody tells her to not be rude. Brad tells Melody to sleep with her eyes open tonight (I think; it’s not very clear). Buddy is impressed by Kyle’s dad’s rodeo career. Danny, Jake, and Kyle shoot the shit for a bit about riding. Jake compares it to surfing. Brad is disgusted by Kyle’s attitude; having seen rodeos on TV before, she hates their treatment of horses, which she refers to as “beautiful, elegant animal[s]”. This is an interesting contrast of the different attitudes of, say, upper-class society and, well,…rednecks. Not to demonize the cowboys, but…eh, actually, fuck it, Brad’s right.
Anyway, Kyle and Brad get into it. Kyle makes fun of Brad’s riding competitions. Brad says that’s being civilized, but Kyle says that’s being wimpy. Danny and Melody try to break up the fight, but Kyle and Brad, in unison, continue to argue.
Mr. Ernst comes by. Buddy’s decided he wants to be a rodeo clown when he grows up. Kyle has to explain to Mr. Ernst what that is (I love how Brad seems to find even that disgusting). Mr. Ernst doesn’t know how to react, so he puts off the discussion ’til later. Mr. Ernst asks about the status of the dance preparations. Jake momentarily scares Mr. Ernst by saying he got Rocket Richard and the Thermonuclear DustBusters as the band instead of Fabulous Fred and His Fancy Fiddlers. Mr. Ernst and Buddy leave. Danny and Jake clean up the tables, which confuses Kyle (because that’s work for the girls), so Danny decides they’ll have a talk.
The next day (the sign on the soda machine in the previous scene said the square dance is “today”, but Melody’s wearing a different outfit in this scene, and Brad will soon confirm it’s the next day), Lucy is in a love-fueled daze. There’s a tiny bit of video shaking at the beginning of this scene. Lucy starts to explain to Melody that she might be “far away” “soon” because of something that she and Bill are thinking about doing.
Bill interrupts, so Lucy runs over to him, leaving Melody to come to the conclusion that Lucy and Bill are getting married (which Lucy, somehow, doesn’t hear).
Lucy and the boys banter for a bit. Lucy’s going to go with Bill to watch him practice, but Kyle is gonna “stick around” here. Bill lets Kyle in on his and Lucy’s vague “plans for the future”, and then Bill and Lucy walk off. Horse noises get Kyle’s attention – but not Lucy or Bill’s, even though they’re only a few feet away from him.
Brad pulls a Ted by trying to ride a wild horse to impress someone, even though she denies it and claims she’s just trying to complete her life. Melody tries to talk her out of it, and Kyle agrees.
Fortunately for Brad, the horse doesn’t complete her life for her.
The horse escapes, Kyle chases after it, and Melody looks at Brad like “What in the goddamn fuck?”
After the commercial break, the horse runs wild.
Kyle has to yell at Brad to get out of the way, and then he ropes the horse and, with help from an employee named Fred, calms it down. Fred takes it away.
Melody asks Brad if she’s okay.
Lucy and Bill show up, having finally heard the commotion (by way of someone yelling stampede). Kyle explains what happened. Melody praises Kyle’s action, which surprises and impresses his dad.
Lucy asks Brad what’s the matter. Brad insists she’s fine, coming close to yelling at Lucy but then apologizing. Bill compliments his son, and he and Lucy leave. Melody excuses herself to go and do CPR on herself. I assume this involves kissing her reflection in the mirror while feeling herself up.
Brad and Kyle argue over who’s at fault. Brad refuses to thank him. Kyle tells her to save him a dance on Friday. Okay, seriously, that sign on the soda machine is false advertising.
The next day (I guess), Brad tries practicing square dancing in private but quickly gives up.
Unfortunately, Melody sees her and comes in, acting innocent.
Brad questions whether dancing – and even the ranch itself – is for her. She thinks she should have stayed home and wonders what she’s doing on a dude ranch. Melody says she’s worked at the Bar None for a long time, and, “now that” Brad’s here, she can’t imagine it without her. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They’re not seriously trying to pass this off as the same summer as seasons 1 and 2, are they? Hell, we already know from the previous episode that this isn’t the case. Besides, this conversation is something that belongs near the very beginning of the series. We’re long past the point where it makes any sort of sense.
Anyway, Brad thanks her. Melody offers to show Brad some steps, but Brad refuses. She’s just gonna be herself and not try to impress anyone. Melody teases Brad about trying to impress Kyle, but Brad denies it. Melody swears Brad to secrecy (Brad doesn’t agree) and then passes along her unfounded Lucy-getting-married rumor (without mentioning the marriage). Brad is skeptical but also says she hates when people leave (possibly a reference to Ted?).
Later, Kyle and Danny are riding and getting to know each other. Danny relates his most embarrassing date moment: getting butter stains (from the popcorn) on the shoulder of his date’s silk blouse when he put his arm around her. Kyle’s worst teacher was Mrs. Horatio, who would clap erasers in your face if you messed up. He and his dad travel so much for his rodeos and competitions that he never stays in one place for more than a couple weeks (at most). Danny realizes they’ve gotta get going.
They arrive back at the ranch. Buddy complains about the outfit that his dad is making him wear to the dance tonight. I don’t see why he’s complaining. Remember back in “Inmates Run the Asylum” (season 3, episode 01) when Buddy embraced turning into his dad and started dressing like him?
Danny says he’d sue. Kyle thinks Buddy looks “swell”. Buddy threatens to accidentally fall in “something really disgusting” and get the clothes dirty.
Kyle takes Buddy away to make sweet anal love to him – and give him some spurs for his boots.
Lucy comes by, and she and Danny discuss Kyle. Danny feels kind of sorry for him for having “no roots”. Danny’s dad says it’s good for the soul to wake up to the same sounds every day. We learn Jake and Buddy snore (we already know Danny snores). Lucy asks if Kyle said he was unhappy. Danny says no and tells Lucy to not say anything to Bill, but it’s “a lot for a guy” to carry his whole life around with him.
As the sun goes down, and the full moon rises (for fuck’s sake, show, how long does the full moon last? the entire summer?), the bell rings to signal the approaching dance.
Bill comes by to pick up Lucy for the dance. He pins an award ribbon on her, because he couldn’t find flowers. Lucy asks about his preliminary competition and apologizes for having to work. Bill easily qualified. Apparently, some guys there were talking about a new, nationwide rodeo circuit starting up soon with big prize money. Lucy is disappointed, because she was looking forward to a house with a white picket fence and two cats in the yard. Bill says he loves Lucy, but the rodeo is his life. Lucy says there’s no place for her in that life, and there never was. They don’t exactly break up, but it’s clear that Bill’s leaving. Lucy cautions against Kyle turning out just like him and offers to have Kyle stay at the Bar None. Bill asks if she’ll keep him in line, and she says she will. They go to talk to him before the dance.
Everyone seems to have a great time at the dance.
The square dance caller (Fabulous Fred, I guess) is played by David L. Walker. The fiddle player is played by Don Johnson (not that one). The accordion player is played by Rosemary Koshmider. “Hey Dude” was their sole acting gig. However, David L. Walker also wrote the screenplay for the 1988 film, “Platoon Leader”.
Jake and Danny are amused at Mr. Ernst’s clumsiness while dancing.
Melody shows off for the guys, and Jake compliments her. Y’know, why don’t these characters ever try out romances with each other? Other than Brad/Ted, they always seem to date one-shot characters (whether seen or not).
Melody gets excited about Lucy talking to Mr. Ernst, which Danny makes fun of. Melody lets slip her unfounded wedding rumor.
Danny and Melody pester Lucy for confirmation.
Jake tosses crackers and offers congratulations. Lucy thinks they’re fucking weird and tells Jake to pick that shit up.
The guys have figured out that Lucy’s not getting married. Melody is confused. Jake jokes about it.
Buddy comes by and shares a new square dance that he just made up:
“Fling your partner in the mud.
Fill her shoes and socks with crud.
Fling your partner in the trees
And let her flap there in the breeze.”
Having recited this to them, Buddy promptly asks Melody to dance. She declines, so he runs off to Brad. Danny is surprised that Brad showed up.
Brad declines Buddy’s invitation to dance. Having no luck with the ladies, Buddy fishes for a compliment on the spurs from the hot new guy.
Kyle takes Brad onto the platform to dance over her objection. She ends up doing okay. Brad, believing Kyle’s leaving tomorrow, says he’s not so bad (long-term, she’d have to strangle him), and she’s glad that she met him. Kyle thanks her.
Mr. Ernst comes by. Brad compliments him on the dance. Mr. Ernst asks if it’s as nice as the ones at her country club back home. Brad, perhaps humoring him, says this dance is much better. Mr. Ernst tells Kyle that “it’s a wonderful idea”, and they’ll “try it out for a couple of weeks”. Brad is confused. Mr. Ernst reveals Kyle’s a new staff member and will do the “real cowboy stuff”.
“Whafuck? This can’t be happening to me. Blessed Lady of the Moon, please deliver me…”
Brad tries to explain why she said what she said, but Kyle doesn’t buy it.
Lucy supposedly stomps on Bill’s foot (even though she clearly doesn’t), because haha.
The pre-credits scene at the end has Kyle polishing a saddle. Danny and Jake pop up and keep complimenting his hat and say it would be a shame if it got wet. Kyle nervously agrees.
The girls show up. Brad ropes Kyle.
Melody collects Kyle’s wallet before the “initiation”. Kyle is led over to the water trough. There’s a bit where he inadvertently quotes “A Tale of Two Cities”, actually quoting his Uncle Wilbur when he moved from Badwater Flats to Yuma.
“We baptize you in the name of Aloysius!”
Brad rides off with Kyle’s hat, and Kyle gives chase.
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This episode was pretty bad. Brad underwent a character regression and fell for a guy for no particular reason. She pulled the same shit that Ted had in the series premiere (on a dare from herself) for the same reason.
I don’t like Kyle. He comes off as arrogant and misogynistic. Yeah, he did something that might have saved Brad’s life (although I doubt she was in any real danger) – but only because the writer made Brad forget all of her horse training and common sense, so the hot new guy could save the day.
It’s very clear why they introduced Kyle: a new love interest for Brad, now that Ted’s gone. See, Jake got the funny part down, but he was missing Ted’s sexy cockiness, which Kyle doesn’t possess either. It’s funny how they had to bring in two actors to replace David Lascher.
Then again, since they put Lascher in the opening credits as of this episode, presumably preparing the audience for his return, then why introduce Kyle at all? Maybe the episode had already been taped when word came down of Lascher’s return?
I believe adding Kyle was a mistake. The girls have always been outnumbered, so adding a new female character would have been nice. I wonder if that’s what they were trying to do with Betty.
The one good thing that I can say about this episode is we finally got a Lucy story (even if it ended up being a subplot) and some backstory on her.
The final thing that I’ll say is this doesn’t feel like a season 3 episode. It feels like we’re already in season 4. Have you ever heard of a television series adding a new main character (and forecasting the addition/return of another) in a season finale?
Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 7