Writer: Judy Spencer
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: October 19, 1990
In the cold open, Jake and Danny are performing Three Stooges routines, and Melody loves it. Brad doesn’t care for the Stooges. Kyle doesn’t seem to have an opinion. They get into a debate over it. Melody’s brothers (plural) are brought up. It’s nice that Judy Spencer remembered she has two of them.
Buddy comes by, and Brad asks for his opinion on the Three Stooges.
Lucy opens the door, knocking Buddy over. Haha, a Stooge-like gag, get it? Danny and Jake proceed to have fun with this.
After the credits, Melody has two guests sign in, and she and Brad continue to debate the Three Stooges. Brad claims she’ll laugh harder than anyone at any joke, but this really doesn’t sound like something that she’d do. I imagine her reactions would be a soft chuckle, stone-faced silence, or…
Yeah, that. Brad asks Lucy for her opinion on the Three Stooges. Lucy is confused. Melody tells Lucy to ignore Brad.
Realizing they’re over two minutes into the episode (including the theme song), Brad decides to get the main plot going. She’s been looking forward to taking seven Young Buckaroos on an overnight in the desert. This will be her first time.
The kids are played by Jason Allen, Katie Hansen, Treye Konrath, Katie Parker, Beah M. Williams, Pam Wolfe, and K.C. Yasmer. Jason Allen had a fairly sporadic acting career that lasted from 1987 to 2001 and totaled 11 credits. He also apparently is (or was) a Broadway actor. As for Katie Hansen, “Hey Dude” was her first of two acting gigs, and this is her first of two appearances. She’ll later appear in “Presumed Stupid” (the same episode that a few other of these kids will appear in, so keep that in mind). Her second acting gig came years later, playing a ballroom dancer in a short called “The Receipt” in 2005. As for Treye Konrath, Katie Parker, and Beah M. Williams, “Hey Dude” was their sole acting gig; Konrath and Williams will later appear in “Presumed Stupid”. As for Pam Wolfe, “Hey Dude” was her sole acting gig, but she later wrote and performed a song called “You Make It Hard To Say No” in a TV movie called “O. Henry’s Christmas” in 1996. As for K.C. Yasmer, “Hey Dude” was his first of two acting gigs (the second being the role of Luke in a 1992 episode of “The Young Riders” titled “The Road Not Taken”), and this is his first of two appearances (the second being “Presumed Stupid”).
Lucy fulfills her sole purpose in this episode by insisting Kyle go with her in order to control the kids. She’s speaking from personal experience. The kids “act up” while Lucy and Brad’s backs are turned, but it’s just general kiddy nonsense.
Jake takes the (uncredited) guests’ bags to their room, first asking Melody if she’s seen Buddy (she hasn’t). Jake is concerned about him.
Cue Buddy falling down the stairs, protected by his padding. Buddy’s subplot in this episode is he’s bumping into stuff, because he hasn’t been sleeping, because he’s given up sleep, because it’s a waste of his time. Lucy tells them that the problem will resolve itself once Buddy falls asleep. Brad argues with Lucy about Kyle again, but Lucy gets Brad to think of Kyle as her “assistant”, which makes Brad happy.
Outside, Brad and Kyle are having trouble controlling the kids. Brad gets the kids to shut up and makes her authority known to Kyle, who doesn’t have a problem with it (to Brad’s surprise), because she has seniority and experience (the latter of which Brad admits she doesn’t have). Brad says she’s fully qualified, knowing first aid and CPR, which are possibly references to “The Competition” (season 1, episode 05) and “Fear” (season 4, episode 05), respectively. She also says she “read a book on fifty fun ways to have fun on a camping trip with kids”. As opposed to the fifty boring ways to have fun. Brad has the kids line up by size, which Kyle protests. Brad says “without order, we’d have chaos”. After that Sheldonesque statement and more arguing, they have the kids mount the horses alphabetically.
That night, Kyle tells the kids about the first time that he went to see his dad at the rodeo. He was riding High Voltage, “the meanest bull in the whole state”. Brad chases after a girl named Jennifer, who keeps running, because Brad’s making her brush her teeth. To the kids’ annoyance, Brad has them form two lines in size order. Kyle
comes to their rescue pisses Brad off by saying the kids can’t brush their teeth, because the toothpaste has no fluoride. Brad says her toothpaste does, plus it kills germs, freshens breath, “and has neat, little sparkle things in it”. Should we just call Brad the Sheldonian Candidate at this point?
Kyle and Brad get into an argument over whether the kids can have more s’mores or not. Brad cares about the kids’ teeth and doesn’t want to see them “gumming cheeseburgers for the rest of their lives”.
Brad offers a kid “a nice, juicy apple”, but he makes her drop it by claiming there’s a worm in it. The kids laugh, and even Kyle smiles at it.
Jennifer has to go “to the bathroom”, so Brad takes her behind a cactus. While she’s gone, Kyle unleashes anarchy. The kids complain to Kyle about Brad.
Brad and Jennifer return from the shortest bathroom break ever (I guess Jennifer has turbo turds), and Brad overhears what they’re saying.
Back at the ranch, in the boys’ bunk house, Buddy’s obnoxious, loud alarm clocks (which he probably got from Vic Vleck) go off, waking everyone up. This is the first time that we’ve seen the inside of the boys’ bunk house since Buddy moved in (to say nothing of Kyle arriving). A new set of beds has been added. We also learn the sleeping arrangements. Danny has moved down to Ted’s old bed, Jake uses Danny’s old bed, and Buddy uses the top new bed, which means Kyle uses the bottom new bed.
Jake knocks an alarm clock off the bunk with a tennis racket (unfortunately, no screencap will do it justice), shutting it off.
Oh, look, Buddy and Melody have similar musical tastes.
Buddy believes fifteen minutes of sleep is enough. Jake and Danny narrow the problem down to a movie that Buddy went to see on Tuesday night: “A Nightmare on Elm Street, Part Thirty-Something: Freddy Takes Over an Ad Agency”. No new entry in the franchise came out anywhere close to this time, so Buddy’s just being a smartass. Anyway, that’s Buddy’s problem: he’s scared of Freddy. They get into a ludicrous debate over dream world versus waking world and the possibility that Jake and Danny might be “evil pod people” like in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.
Melody was woken up as well, and Danny invites her in to participate in the stupid-ass subplot.
Back at the campsite, Brad leads everyone in a rousing rendition of “Bingo”, which the kids aren’t impressed with. The kids want to spit, but Brad puts it off ’til later. One of the kids wants to burp “The Star-Spangled Banner”, but Brad rejects that as well. Brad asks for suggestions for a game. Someone (Jennifer, I think, although Brad touches another girl in response) suggests hide-and-seek. Brad likes it, but Kyle is concerned. Determined to prove she’s the fun one, Brad goes for it. She declares Kyle and herself to be it. Jennifer suggests playing it “like mommy and daddy play it with us”. Brad agrees.
This involves Brad and Kyle being tied up. The two of them continue to argue, but Brad won’t listen to the “Three Stooges fanatic”. Um, Kyle didn’t seem nearly as much into the Three Stooges as Jake and Danny did. Anyway, the only point of the Stooges stuff at the beginning of the episode was to start painting Brad as “serious”, but it’s a stretch to go from “can’t stand slapstick comedy” to “stick up her ass”. Besides, even without the Stooges stuff, we know Brad well enough to know she’s more serious and…internalized than the others.
Anyway, Brad idiotically follows instructions to count backwards from 100. Some added sound effects let us know the kids got on the horses and took off, abandoning them.
After the commercial break, slapstick and arguing ensue.
I swear Brad exclaims “God!”, which is a bit surprising for a TV series that had a “swear jar” for the cast.
In response to Brad’s plan to get them onto the sole remaining horse, Kyle starts to tell her a rodeo story about two guys, Lefty and Squint, but Brad shuts him up. Brad is familiar with Harry Houdini’s escape acts. Goddess, this episode is padded.
Anyway, dumbass Kyle finally remembers he has a pocket knife in his back pocket. Brad’s pissed at him but has no choice but to palm his ass. She then “accidentally” stabs him. Kyle starts dancing and singing “Bingo”, and I really wish Brad would slash his throat.
Back at the ranch, Melody is telling the others a scary story.
The Calendar of Hell is still on the wall, still trying to convince us that it’s August of Whenever.
Anyway, no one’s impressed with Melody’s story, so Danny tells one. Jake mentions another story without really telling it. Melody offers them pretzels, but they decline.
Melody notices Buddy seems to be getting tired, but he persists. Melody asks them to name their favorite horror movie. Danny’s is “The Thing”. Melody’s is “Aliens”. Jake and Danny agree. Danny mentions H. R. Giger, even though he only received credit for the creation of the creature from the first film and didn’t actually create anything new for “Aliens”. Buddy suggests “Gremlins”, but Jake and Danny say it’s too cute. There’s some more discussion about Buddy’s stupid “pod people” theory, and Buddy seems to get to Melody before going to bed with his alarm clock.
Back in the desert, Kyle and Brad finally get themselves untied. Brad worries about what she’ll tell the kids’ parents, and she imagines the kids were eaten by coyotes, buzzards circling above their bodies. Kyle isn’t concerned. Brad mentions the abandoned mine shaft, which surprised me. Anyway, I guess Mr. Ernst still hasn’t gotten around to having it covered over.
Brad’s compass is gone, but she knows home is north, and she was taught in science class to follow the North Star (the current northern pole star is Polaris). Brad then says something that I can’t understand. Kyle brings up his “hundred nights out on the range” as proof of his expertise. Brad doesn’t wants an argument and has Kyle lead her and the horse.
Back at the ranch, Jake shoves a bag of chips between his legs, claims they’re out, and has Danny retrieve a bag from under the porch. While Danny’s gone, Jake lets Melody know his suspicions that Danny’s a pod person. Danny comes back in, saying there are no chips under the porch and accusing Jake of being a pod person. Melody believes Danny. For fuck’s sake…
Danny claims Jake waltzed in here, claiming to be Mr. Ernst’s nephew, which isn’t how it happened. Jake wakes Buddy and wants confirmation that he’s Buddy’s cousin. Buddy’s ambivalent about it. Jake accuses Melody of being a pod person, claiming she’s “the only girl in America” that likes the Three Stooges. Buddy says they’re “boring pod people”, and the movie “wasn’t even that scary”. Melody admits they were acting silly. Danny says it’s just a movie. Jake says it was a book first. He gets paranoid, and the whole argument starts up again. For fuck’s sake…
Jake looks out the door and sees the kids returning (but we don’t) without Brad and Kyle. Jake goes out to ask them about it.
Buddy’s asleep. So ends that thrilling subplot.
Danny and Melody banter for a bit, and then they go outside.
Brad and Kyle are lost, or, to hear him tell it, he “took the scenic route”. More arguing ensues – intense enough for Brad to dismount. Kyle claims Brad “set up a salad bar” (which we never saw). Brad claims the kids liked her croutons. Brad finally admits “maybe [she] was a little strict”. Kyle doesn’t admit anything, so Brad hits him, and he admits he “could’ve been a little more helpful”. They resume arguing.
Danny, Melody, and Jake arrive in…a completely different Jeep than the previous episode. Brad asks about the kids. Jake puts her mind at ease.
Oh, and Brad randomly hits Kyle, and he’s all:
Kyle feels vindicated when they learn the kids ended up goofing off and going back to the ranch as he’d predicted. Brad feels vindicated when they learn one girl ate a bunch of s’mores and is now “puking her guts out in the infirmary”. Um, I assume this is at the local hospital, not some unseen infirmary at the ranch. They get ready to leave. Brad asks what they’re doing up this early. Melody says it’s a long story.
Danny, Melody, and Jake suspect Brad and Kyle of being pod people. For fuck’s sake…
The pre-credits scene at the end, on the next day, has Kyle and Brad arguing some more about last night.
The gang comes by with a plan.
Kyle claims he’s innocent.
Brad wants nothing to do with it. Melody says Brad is a “beautiful bride”. Wait a while, Mel, and you can marry her yourself. She tells Brad to toss her the bouquet.
Melody dicks around with Brad’s headdress. Brad assures Kyle of his impending death and tells Jake that she’d “rather be nibbled to death by ducks” than marry Kyle.
Brad vows to jam a horseshoe up Kyle’s nose. Melody has Jake hurry the fuck up, because the episode’s almost over. Jake marries them and gives Kyle permission to kiss Brad. Jake is surprised when Kyle admits he’s tried to kiss Brad (although I don’t recall any specific attempt). Brad hands the bouquet and horseshoe to Melody.
Brad bites Kyle.
Buddy throws a bag of rice at Kyle.
I’m loving the random acts of violence against Kyle in this episode. More, please.
Brad leaves. Melody has a little too much fun with the rice. Kyle goes after Brad, demanding a kiss. Buddy goes after them with rice.
Melody catches the bouquet.
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This episode was uneven. It seemed to cast Brad as being in the wrong (well, more so than Kyle), even though she had perfectly valid reasons for what she was doing. It also gave her a case of the stupids, allowing her to get tied up in order to prove she’s fun. Brad should be above that kind of stuff. She’s always seemed more mature, but she let loose to the extreme in this episode just to show up Kyle and be “liked” by the kids.
Also, the subplot with Buddy and the “pod people” freak-out was dumb. Oh, well. A third episode to watch on Halloween, I guess.
Yeah, this episode was a bit of a dud, but there’s reason to rejoice. Lo, the Aloysius approaches.
Countdown to the Second Coming of Ted: 0