Writer: Steven Roth & Deanne Roth
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: November 16, 1990
We’re back down to the normal running time for this episode.
In the cold open, Jake is working on the swing and asks Danny for a critique.
The girls offer their own critiques.
Mr. Ernst compliments the work but then repeats Danny’s critique. He has two chores and is looking for volunteers. He needs two cooks, and he also needs a tipi-style clubhouse built for the Young Buckaroos. Mr. Ernst (and the writers) is ignorantly perpetuating a stereotype. Tipis were used by the Plains Indians, not all Native Americans and certainly not the ones that lived in Arizona.
Anyway, the guys assume they’ll build, and the girls will cook. The girls are upset about this, because they always have to cook. Since Kyle is absent again this week, Jake is suddenly chauvinistic. After some arguing (we learn Jake and Brad read “Fun with Dick and Jane”, a 1946 children’s book, and Brad also read “Girls Can Do Anything Boys Can Do”, which isn’t a real book as far as I can tell), Brad suggests they switch. Mr. Ernst is unsure, but the guys and Melody are okay with it. Jake urges Mr. Ernst to let the girls try and fail, so the “master builders” can bail them out. Mr. Ernst sits on the swing, and…
After the credits, on another day, the mood is intense at the lunch tables!
Jake is hoping to get Mr. Ernst to let them cook. Mr. Ernst ain’t having it, though. Two critics from “Dude Ranch Monthly” are coming to rate the ranch.
Jake talks for a bit (he mentions Buddy, who doesn’t appear in this episode) and then insists on flipping a burger, but he accidentally tosses it on the ground. Mr. Ernst says that’s Jake’s lunch. His glasses fall on the ground. Jake picks them up and starts cleaning them, but Mr. Ernst swipes at him, demanding them back. I swear I hear Jake say “No.” The glasses fall in the grill. The girls come by and exclaim “Jake!” when they see it. Really, both dumbasses were at fault.
Mr. Ernst yells at Jake – but can’t tell which person is him without his glasses. Seriously? He’s that blind? And he can’t even make out the color of Jake’s hair or the shirt that he saw Jake wearing?
Anyway, one more screw-up, and Jake’s fired. Mr. Ernst goes to get his spare pair of glasses. Jake apologizes to him. The girls want to take over lunch duties, but Jake refuses. Danny warns the critics are here. How does he recognize them?
The critics are played by Monique S. Busby and Judith C. Corcoran. “Hey Dude” was their sole acting gig. In Corcoran’s case, this is her second of two appearances. She had previously played a guest in “They’re Back” (season 4, episode 01).
The white critic wants a hamburger. Jake fucks it up by trying to toss the burger onto her plate. She’s outraged. Her colleague pulls her away, lecturing her about her “violent temper”. Interesting bit of character building, if completely unexpected.
The girls insult the guys, and the four of them get into an argument. Jake and Danny quickly leave when Mr. Ernst comes back. Mr. Ernst just realized these are his spare pair of glasses. He asks if the critics are here yet. Melody says they were. He asks how it went. The girls fumble for words for a bit, and then Melody finally reveals what happened in a pretty funny way. The girls point out where the critics went. Mr. Ernst has trouble avoiding objects. Melody offers to help, but Mr. Ernst insists on keeping up appearances. Mild “blind” slapstick ensues.
Jake’s already considering himself fired. However, Mr. Ernst comes by and “recognizes” him as “Mrs. Thorpe” (one of the critics). Danny tries to correct him, but Jake shuts him up. Mr. Ernst goes off about Jake and how he’s so fired, but “Mrs. Thorpe” praises Jake. Yeah, Jake’s doing a bad, high-pitched female voice. Okay, four things. 1) How does Mr. Ernst still not recognize Jake without his glasses? 2) Why does he automatically assume it’s Mrs. Thorpe? 3) How is he fooled by that poor impersonation? 4) Wouldn’t he find it odd that “Mrs. Thorpe” is contradicting Melody’s account of what happened?
Anyway, Mr. Ernst then questions “Mrs. Stevenson”, and Danny gets in on the act. “Mrs. Thorpe” suggests big raises for Jake and Danny. Of course, Mr. Ernst doesn’t think this is the least bit suspicious. The girls watch from afar in seeming disapproval. Mr. Ernst asks the “critics” for their first names. Out of the depths of their asses, Jake and Danny pull “Jasmine” and “Daniella”, respectively.
After a bit more banter, Jake quickly excuses himself and Danny, and they leave. Then this happens:
And he just leaves it (kicking the table in frustration) and walks away.
Later, the girls get to work on their tipi. Melody is impressed with Brad’s plans. Brad took a drafting class in school.
Unfortunately, they really don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to actually building this thing.
Anyway, notice Melody’s wearing a Duke shirt, and Brad’s wearing a Montauk shirt. Duke University is a wealthy private research university in Durham, North Carolina. This might be indicative of Melody’s college plans. Montauk is both a state park in Missouri and a hamlet in East Hampton, New York (on Long Island). I’m leaning toward the latter. It sounds like a place that Brad would visit.
Jake and Danny come by to see how the “men” are doing. Interestingly, Brad pronounces “Jasmine” in a slightly foreign-sounding way (“Jasmeen”).
Mr. Ernst wanders by. If only there was another adult on this ranch that he could place temporarily in charge until his new glasses arrive…
Anyway, blind humor ensues.
Amusingly, Mr. Ernst compliments “Mrs. McLoughlin” on her “very nice perfume”.
Also amusingly, the horse momentarily stops eating and looks at him like “What the fuck?”
Mr. Ernst meets up with the gang. His new glasses aren’t coming in for a few days. After some banter, Melody informs Mr. Ernst that the critics are in cabin 9, but Jake quickly “corrects” Melody that it’s cabin 6. Brad and Danny don’t play along. Jake seemingly points Mr. Ernst toward cabin 6. Brad hits him and corrects him. Jake’s just buying them some time and has Danny come with him. The girls agree the guys are completely crazy.
Danny and Jake argue. Jake feels the need to cover their hair now for whatever reason. They put on the act for Mr. Ernst again. Jake says they’re leaving soon. Mr. Ernst is upset, because he wants to invite them to be his guests at tomorrow’s mesquite barbecue. Talking with his stomach (he missed lunch because of Jake), Danny agrees. Mr. Ernst informs them that Jake and Danny will be cooking their meal, since they liked their cooking so much. After Mr. Ernst leaves, Jake declares they’re dead meat.
After the commercial break, Brad’s trying to order a custom-made tipi. We learn she has all of the major credit cards. However, she tells the company to charge it to the Bar None. Why the fuck would she do that?! She’s trying to get out of work as it is; she shouldn’t make her place of employment pay for it. Melody seems to think it’s a great idea, though. Somehow, Brad had gotten her plans to the guy on the phone (faxed them, maybe?), who said she has awful handwriting. Anyway, he can get the tipi built by tomorrow and come in under budget. What was Brad’s budget for this thing, anyway? He also said it would be “cute”, which Brad finds strange but brushes aside.
Danny and Jake come by and argue. The girls and Jake rib each other.
More of Mr. Ernst’s blind bumbling. He actually recognizes Melody before she speaks. He informs the girls of the dinner invitation for the critics.
Brad uses the opportunity to force Jake and Danny to resume their deception on the spot. I love Brad so fucking much.
Unfortunately, it slightly backfires when Mr. Ernst has the girls get some cool lemonade for the “critics”.
Mr. Ernst and the “critics” sit down, and there’s some banter as Mr. Ernst asks about work at “Dude Ranch Monthly”.
The girls are fully aware that they own the guys’ asses, so they get sweet revenge on them (literally).
There’s some more banter. “Daniella” informs Mr. Ernst that “Jasmine” loves to dance (and mentions tango). Mr. Ernst offers to arrange for some music after the barbecue. Jake, for whatever reason, agrees and excuses himself and Danny. The guys then return as themselves. Mr. Ernst, smitten with “Jasmine”, has Melody send some flowers and chocolate bonbons up to “her” room. The girls and Jake are incredulous, but Danny’s loving this.
The next day, Danny is working on…the band platform for the dance, I guess. What happened to the one that Jake built in “Stick Around” (season 3, episode 13)? Did they just demolish it after the dance?
Jake’s doing the flower-petal thing (his uncle loves him). Danny is jealous of the attention that Mr. Ernst is giving Jake.
Mr. Ernst comes over to Lucy and has to feel her face in order to recognize her (his binoculars don’t help with that).
Y’know, I watched this episode last week, and I had already forgotten Lucy is in it. Where the fuck was she earlier? She could have helped Mr. Ernst out.
Mr. Ernst says the binoculars work for long distances, but then he thinks he sees Valerie Vleck on a mountaintop (which likely isn’t true). Mr. Ernst wants to confirm dinner plans with the critics, but Lucy decides to save Mr. Ernst a few steps (and bumps and bruises) by doing it herself. Mr. Ernst has Lucy point him toward Jake and Danny.
What the fuck? He can see them just fine! This isn’t what binoculars are for! They don’t work this way!
Anyway, Mr. Ernst overhears Danny and Jake using their “female” voices and gets on Jake’s case (but not Danny’s for some reason) for making fun of a guest – instead of, y’know, realizing he’d been deceived.
Jake apologizes, and Mr. Ernst has them work on the bandstand. The guys worry about Mr. Ernst’s binoculars, but Jake gets all too happy when he gets an idea.
Do I even have to summarize the rest of the episode? You know how it’s gonna go.
The girls come by, and Melody offers some help, but she then realizes who these “ladies” are, so it sounds like Melody is asking “Hello, ladies, do you need some – hell?!”
Jake wants the girls to go along with it and offers to build their tipi, but Brad says it’s all taken care of. Jake threatens to blow up their tipi. Seriously, what’s with the connections between Jake and explosives?
Anyway, Melody shuts that down right away, and they come to an arrangement where the guys pay lip service to the girls and do their chores for a week.
At the barbecue, Brad turns Mr. Ernst’s binoculars around, so he can see a lot more, but everything’s also really far away.
Mr. Ernst spots the “critics” and chats with them for a bit, but Brad pulls them away in order to cook.
The real critics show up, having been invited to the barbecue by Lucy. They sit down and chat. Comedic misunderstandings ensue. The guys realize what’s happening and talk the girls into getting the critics away from Mr. Ernst. The girls bullshit about an emergency phone call. Jake and Danny come back to Mr. Ernst. The girls return with the real critics (way too early). Jake quickly asks Mr. Ernst to tango.
The fiddle player is played by Ken Cerny. “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig, but he was also a scenic artist on the series.
The guitar player is played by John A. Winder. He doesn’t seem to have an IMDb page.
Mr. Ernst is pissed, but the audience – especially the critics – love it.
The Bar None scored low on Organization but high on Enjoyment and stands a good chance of winning the Dude Ranch Monthly Award. Mr. Ernst is relieved and pleased. The critics thank him for not showering them with flowers and chocolates in the way that so many ranch owners do; they consider it tacky. Ha.
The critics leave. Jake thinks he and Danny are off the hook. Mr. Ernst allows them to change but wants to see both of them in his office in five minutes. There’s some more gay and high-heels humor before the scene ends.
The pre-credits scene at the end has a gathering crowd amused at the tipi.
The girls blame each other. It’s actually Brad’s fault, because she put down inches instead of feet.
The girls argue some more. Brad admits she flunked drafting class.
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This episode was kind of amusing, but it stretched credibility, and it’s mostly a rehash of ideas that the series had already done. Oh, well. The return of the Aloysius is nigh.
Countdown to the Third Coming of Ted: 0