Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: July 12, 1991
This episode has a 1991 copyright.
In the cold open, Brad is recounting her date with a guy named Roger to Melody. They had gone to the movies. When it was over, the parking lot was flooded from the rain, so Roger picked her up and carried her to the car. Melody is amazed. Brad says chivalry “can be really annoying sometimes”, but it was somehow okay when Roger did it. She guesses there’s a difference between chivalry and being “macho and stupid”.
Speaking of which, Kyle and Ted argue over carrying hay.
We learn Ted once dropped Brad’s watch in the lake and, rather than get it out for her, offered to hold her feet while she got it out. Kyle contrasts folks that were brought up “out here” against Ted. It seems, despite what Ted implied in “Suspicion” (season 1, episode 11), he didn’t grow up out here.
Oh, and there’s a running gag throughout this episode of Kyle mistakenly saying “chilavarous” instead of “chivalrous”. It really makes no sense.
Ted insists on being chivalrous by helping Brad mount her horse, but…
Melody yells at Ted. Brad thanks Kyle but has to tell him to put her down.
Kyle tries to prove he’s “chilavarous”.
Brad, unharmed, complains and corrects Kyle on how to say “chivalrous”.
After the credits, Brad mounts her horse and chews Ted out on his “stupid stunt”, even though it was Kyle that most recently threw her. Ted claims it was a “joke” instead of, y’know, an accident. Kyle offers to get Brad’s watch out of the lake, but she’s tired of him, too. Brad will tell Melody about the rest of her date with Roger later.
This gets the guys’ attention, and they ask Melody about it. She does this weird thing where she downplays it but also makes them worried and jealous, so I dunno what her deal is.
Oh, and Ted tries to get Kyle to say “chivalrous” correctly, because that joke is just so funny.
Kyle goes to clean the water trough, but Ted just blatantly shoves him to the ground and then feigns innocence – and then loudly admits it was intentional to Melody while Kyle is still in the shot. Melody chews Ted out. Ted calls Kyle “Sir Pantsalot”, which is…funny? Melody calls Ted a jerk. Ted sarcastically says Kyle has a crush on him. He claims to not care who Kyle or Brad have a crush on. He’s bothered that he went away from the ranch “for a little while”, then he “come[s] back, and everything’s changed”. He makes it sound recent, which seems to indicate this season takes place during the same summer as seasons 3-4. Melody makes a depreciating joke about what Brad thinks of Ted and Kyle. Ted doesn’t find her funny. Melody tries to assure Ted that Kyle hasn’t taken his place. Really, considering how infrequently that he appears, he truly hasn’t taken Ted’s place. Melody leaves.
Mr. Ernst arrives. He pitches his latest money-making idea, having a rodeo right here at the Bar None and is glad to know Ted likes it. Mr. Ernst makes a surprisingly self-aware comment regarding his ideas. Ted is glad that Mr. Ernst came to him, but Mr. Ernst really wants to know where Kyle is and run his idea by him. Ted is hurt but sends Mr. Ernst to him.
Kyle thinks the rodeo is a great idea but scares Mr. Ernst with the costs.
Ted sneaks by and spies on them. Kyle suggests scaling the rodeo back. He volunteers to calculate the costs and get the figures to Mr. Ernst after lunch. Mr. Ernst is happy. Kyle says he’s just happy to help out.
Mr. Ernst asks, and Kyle is happy to ride in the rodeo, adding he worked as a rodeo clown, which Ted finds totally appropriate. Interesting detail. Maybe it’s why Buddy briefly wanted to be one. Kyle has to remind Mr. Ernst what a rodeo clown does. Kyle also talks about literal bullshit (bull shit, I guess), which Ted finds so ludricrous that he almost gets caught.
After Mr. Ernst leaves, Kyle resumes cleaning the water trough, and Ted has to crawl around to hide from him.
But then Brad rides by and is all like “What the fuck are you doing, Ted?”
Kyle gets all butthurt, because he thinks Brad got his name wrong, because Brad constantly thinks about Ted, and Brad has to point Ted out to the dumbass. Ted bullshits about looking for his lost keys.
Kyle tells Brad about Mr. Ernst’s rodeo idea and suggests teaming up on calf roping. Ted’s like “Yeah, me, too!” Brad and Kyle find that amusing. Ted says he’s serious. Brad says she’d team up with someone that “knew how to ride”. Ted is offended. Brad isn’t sure about accepting Kyle’s offer. Why is she even considering it at all? Isn’t she opposed to rodeos? Then again, she did organize her own rodeo, even if it was for old people, which probably amounted to “Let’s ride the horsies, whee!”
Ted excuses himself and blatantly shoves Kyle into the water trough. He then feigns innocence and apologizes. Brad calls Ted out on his bullshit. Kyle claims to accept Ted’s explanation but then makes a point about going to change. Brad chews Ted out and lightly slaps him on the back.
“Take that, water! I hate you! Roooaaarrr!!!”
At lunch, Betty is doing random tasks, Danny is working the grill, and Chef Jake is…drumming on the glasses.
Melody comes by and offers to be a female vocalist for Jake’s band. Jake agrees. Well, we know Melody can sing.
Danny wants Jake to help him with the ribs, but Jake doesn’t like the heat. He suggests the ranch cut down to serving the guests one simple, cold, uncooked meal per day. I can’t tell if he’s serious or not. Danny gives a joking tagline for it.
Kyle comes by, apparently having decided to skip changing clothes (real men go wet!). There’s some banter, and Kyle explains what happened. Kyle says Ted’s friends will believe Ted over “the new guy” (not to mention “the barely here guy”). Yep, this is definitely the same summer as seasons 3-4.
Ted comes by, and Danny questions him about the trough incident. Ted doesn’t exactly deny it and goes off about Kyle. Danny says Kyle said it was an accident, which surprises Ted. Ted excuses himself to set tables.
Let’s pause in the story for a bit and contemplate the guy in the background. He keeps walking around, mingling with Betty and Jodie, and he’s obviously meant to be a male staff member. What’s his story? When did he get hired? Where does he sleep? What kind of direction do the extras playing the minor staff members get? Does it amount to “Look busy but don’t interfere?” These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Melody quickly warns Kyle to look out.
Kyle and Ted start arguing.
Aw, man, it looks like they’re gonna have it out for real.
But they gotta take a commercial break first.
Side note: Jodie seems to be enjoying the fight.
After the commercial break (which comes very early in this episode), Jake breaks up the fight (which wasn’t even much of a fight). Betty and Jodie have switched places, and Danny is suddenly there (granted, they might have moved around, assuming there are some seconds between acts that we didn’t see). Ted takes off Jake’s chef’s hat and throws it on the ground. Jake actually goes to retrieve it.
This leaves poor Melody as the only person keeping Kyle and Ted from killing each other.
Betty, Jodie, and the random guy eventually get bored with the fight and
blend back into the background go back to doing their jobs.
Kyle and Ted argue some more and start fighting again. Melody breaks it up, insisting, much like murder, “fighting is not the answer”. Ted declares the winner gets Brad. Kyle agrees. Even Melody finds this stupid idea “kinda romantic”.
However, one dirty look from Brad changes her mind.
There’s a weird bit where Kyle almost says “chivalrous” correctly but then “corrects” himself to “chilavarous”.
Brad sarcastically says “Any girl’d give her right teeth to have these two fighting over her.” What kind of expression is that?
Brad suddenly gets all badass and declares the winner gets to fight her, although she’s not even waiting for the results of their fight and seems to be taking both of them on right now.
She adds they’re both gonna wanna lose.
She also adds whoever’s left standing is not gonna be left standing for long. Seriously, Brad is fucking pissed (like, more than I’ve ever seen her), but she doesn’t go so far as to punch either of them…yet.
To placate Brad, Ted decides to change the stakes. After a bit, Kyle says the winner gets to stay, which shocks Brad. Ted needlessly adds the loser has to leave. They get into trash talk.
Mr. Ernst comes by and tells all of them to set the fucking tables before the guests arrive. Looks like Betty and Jodie are the only ones getting ribbons this week.
Oh, apparently, the Bar None’s guest occupancy is thirty today. Is that normal for a dude ranch?
Mr. Ernst points out the glasses that Ted had made Kyle drop. Kyle says he tripped (which is true). Mr. Ernst has Ted help Kyle pick them up (but says nothing about cleaning them).
Before she leaves, Melody seems to tell Ted and Kyle (seemingly in a bit of ADR) to stop it. Not following her advice, Ted and Kyle splash each other with water.
Mr. Ernst needs one of them to go up and check “the north road”. Vic Vleck told him that “the Catalina Wash” overflowed again last night. There was a low-rated car wash in Tucson called Catalina Car Wash, but I doubt that’s what he’s referring to. There’s also Sutherland Wash in Catalina State Park. There’s also the usually dry Tanque Verde Wash that crosses Sabino Canyon Road. I’m really not sure what Mr. Ernst is referring to.
Anyway, both guys volunteer and argue over it, so Mr. Ernst says they both can go, and they argue over the keys.
As the fuckheads argue in the background, Jake and Danny caution Mr. Ernst. He checks on the fuckheads, and…
Yeah, they’re guilty as fuck. Mr. Ernst wants them to work side by side and have a “bonding experience”, though, to work out their tension. Danny and Jake are skeptical. Mr. Ernst asks what could possibly go wrong.
Kyle had looked into the overheated radiator after he’d taken the cap off and gotten blasted in the eyes with steam, so Ted had to bandage his eyes. Ted had sprained his left ankle after getting out of the Jeep, so Kyle had to bandage his ankle. The two idiots give each other a hard time over it, but, really, Kyle’s the bigger idiot – “just stupid” as Ted says.
The two fuckheads start arguing and get into a fight, while injured, in the desert. Are you fucking kidding me?
Ted checks the radiator and says they should get back to the ranch. He adds someone should take a look at Kyle’s eyes. Kyle says they’ll be fine in a couple days, and Ted learns, much to his amusement, this has happened to Kyle before (a few years ago).
Kyle says the radiator is cold, and it should be fine if they take it slow. Ted wants Kyle to give him the keys, but Kyle points out that the Jeep has a clutch, so he needs two feet to drive. Ted points out that Kyle can’t see. Kyle says he’ll walk. After some trash talk from each of them, Kyle leaves (without giving Ted the keys), and Ted closes the hood.
So Kyle’s walking along, singing “Home on the Range” (I guess Melody inspired him), and walks right into a cactus (which conveniently goes off-screen before the collision).
Ted gets in the Jeep, puts the windshield down, and has a bit of trouble starting the engine, but it eventually starts (I guess Kyle left the key in the ignition). He “gently” puts his foot on the clutch.
Kyle comes back with what are supposedly cactus needles in him. Ted gives him a hard time.
After some discussion, Ted decides they’ll work together. Kyle protests.
Kyle has a problem with Ted’s steering. Ted blames Kyle’s constant braking. Somehow, they manage to go off the road, despite not going very fast and a bit of advance warning from Ted.
They argue. Kyle wants to fight right here and now. They get out of the Jeep, and…
Ted sprains his right ankle, much to Kyle’s amusement.
Ted throws sand at Kyle and then crawls away.
He then trips Kyle.
Kyle tries to go after the “little weasal”, but Ted crawls and waits on the other side of the Jeep. He lets Kyle walk right into the Jeep and fall over. Ted crawls over to Kyle, who doesn’t respond, which concerns Ted, but Kyle was just faking and tackles Ted.
Place yer bets! Place yer bets! It’s the fight of the century! A real knock-down, drag-out fight! Place yer bets right now!
*pockets your money* Actually, Ted proposes they help each other get back to the ranch, rest up for a couple days, get healthy, and then pummel the everliving shit out of each other. Kyle agrees.
Ted sings “Home on the Range”, which annoys Kyle, but Ted’s deliberately singing in an annoying way. He’s actually not bad, which makes me wonder why it seems his song in “Datenite” (season 3, episode 03) was dubbed by someone else.
Even the background score gets in on it, turning into an instrumental version of “Home on the Range”. That’s cute.
Ted makes Kyle pause and turn, so Ted can look at the beautiful sunset – and rub Kyle’s face in the fact that he can’t see it. Kyle tells “Lardo” to go on a diet. Ted tells Kyle to “Giddy up!”
They arrive back at the ranch. Ted has resorted to pulling Kyle’s ear, because he won’t respond to voice commands.
They’re just in time for Ted to witness Brad coming back from a bad date with the “jerk”, “the amazing Roger”.
Roger wants “Bradley” to get back in the car. She doesn’t want to and makes him let go of her arm.
Ted and Kyle confront Roger. Roger makes fun of the “bozos”.
Roger is played by Mario Guzman. “Hey Dude” was his first acting gig. He then took a 17-year break(!), only to re-emerge and rack up an additional 17(!) roles from 2008 to 2015! Talk about making a comeback. He also has production credits for two of the things that he was in. He has an impressive resume.
Ted and Kyle (with instructions from Ted) keep Roger from reaching Brad. Brad is clearly enjoying this.
Roger threatens them – to their amusement. However, Brad thinks they’ve gone too far and seems to want them to stand down, perhaps for their own safety.
Ted and Kyle insult Roger for a bit, and then Ted pulls on Roger’s ear and nose.
Fortunately for them, Roger leaves instead of beating the shit out of them, and Kyle and Ted quote “Hit the Road Jack“.
A bit more trash talk between Roger and Ted and Kyle ensues as Roger gets back in his car. Brad says something that I can’t understand. According to one of Kyle’s comments, it seems the Bar None has a gate. Where, exactly?
Oh, and Kyle finally says “chivalrous” right, and Ted gives him a congratulatory pat on the shoulder. So ends that thrilling subplot.
Brad’s upset at them for their interference and claims she could have handled Roger. Honestly, considering her earlier behavior, I believe her. She says this isn’t chivalry but chauvinism. She apparently doesn’t see “what the big deal is with this chivalry stuff”. She leaves them, rhetorically asking if they’ll never learn.
Okay, you do remember Brad grinning while they defended her, right? If not, scroll back up and look at the screencaps.
I’m guessing her problem is they resorted to picking a fight, something that she would never, ever do.
Okay, no, I don’t know what her deal is. I’m guessing she just hates them.
Ted decides Kyle can stay at the ranch, and Kyle says the same about Ted. Ted wants Kyle to have Brad, but Kyle declines. So it looks like they’re both totally over her.
The pre-credits scene at the end, on another day, has Kyle and Ted on the mend.
Mr. Ernst wanted Kyle to take a look at a “tryout” for his new plan – a rodeo without horses (in other words, something cheap and easy):
Yeah. Well, it allows Buddy to get a quick, non-speaking cameo in at the end. Kyle and Ted are amused.
So ends another day at the Bar None.
This episode was pretty good. It mostly focused on the Ted/Brad/Kyle love triangle (such as it is) and the Ted/Kyle rivalry. Melody got pushed out of the story around the halfway point, and the other guys didn’t show up again until the end.
The fighting was enjoyable to watch, even if it was totally stupid. Who’s the “jealous guy”? Well, Ted’s jealousy is given the greatest amount of screen time. Only some lines from Kyle indicate he’s jealous of Brad’s seeming (off-screen) fixation with Ted. Overall, though, I think Ted was the better of the two characters in this episode, because he doesn’t make as many stupid decisions as Kyle, he shows (unjustified) concern for Kyle’s well-being at one moment, he’s the one to stop the fight, and he’s the one that decides they’re gonna work together to get home (twice).
My one complaint is the lack of build-up. The episode suffers from the fact that this is only Ted and Kyle’s fifth episode together, and there hadn’t been much of a rivalry between them until now. Not helping matters is the fact that Kyle disappears for long stretches at a time, and the others behave like he doesn’t even exist. That makes their blow-up here seem to come out of nowhere.
What could have been done instead? Ted and Jake fighting over Ted’s feeling that Jake has replaced him (most notably as Danny’s friend)? Well, again, there’s a lack of a build-up. There simply should have been more tension between Ted and Kyle in their previous interactions.
It’s the final countdown!: 7