Series Recap

Welcome to the series recap of “Hey Dude”. Here, I’m going to give my thoughts on the series as a whole and the characters, give an update on the cast and crew, and rank the episodes from worst to best.

Before that, though, let it be known that the WordPress editor sucks ass, and it’s the reason (seriously, I tried two computers and three browsers) that this is tardy #5.

So now, before we ride off into the sunset, let’s check in with our friends one last time…

Videos

I scoured YouTube while preparing this recap. Here are a bunch of videos that I’ve rounded up for you:

This is a commercial about Ted that most of the cast did (this particular airing is from 1994):

Here’s the first outtakes video, courtesy of Geoffrey Darby:

Here’s the second and final outtakes video, courtesy of Geoffrey Darby:

Here’s a Nickelodeon “O-Zone” promo, featuring “Mork & Mindy” and “Hey Dude”, from 1991:

Here’s “The Wild Bunch”, a western-themed promo from 1993 (this is the ad that I referred to in my “Magnum Ernst” review):

Here’s “the entire Nickelodeon afternoon experience from start till end” (from autumn of 1993, around 1-2 years after my first time watching the series) – basically a collection of commercials and bumpers from the “No More Mr. Nice Guy” episode:

Here’s a small collection of “Hey Dude” ads and commercial bumpers from 1993:

Here are the commercials from between acts 1 and 2 of a 1993 airing of “Jealous Guy” (season 5, episode 06):

Here are the commercials from between acts 1 and 2 of a 1993 airing of “Incredible Shrinking Ted” (season 5, episode 03):

Here are the commercials from between acts 1 and 2 of a 1993 airing of “Doghouse Blues” (season 4, episode 10):

Here are the commercials from between acts 1 and 2 of a 1993 airing of “Baby” (season 5, episode 05):

Here are the commercials from between acts 1 and 2 of a 1993 airing of “Amnesia” (season 5, episode 07):

Here are the closing credits from a 1993 airing of “Jealous Guy” (season 5, episode 06) with an announcer voice-over:

Here’s a promo for “Muppet Babies” and “Hey Dude” from 1993:

Probably also from 1993, these are the commercials from the first half of an airing of “Presumed Stupid” (season 5, episode 08):

This is from an undated “Hey-Dude-a-thon”, which included an airing of “Return of Ted” (season 4, episode 08), with narration by David Lascher, in character as Ted, previewing the next episode (“Some Like It Hot” (season 4, episode 11)) over the closing credits. This is followed by video of David Lascher and Christine Taylor, in character as Ted and Melody, introducing the episode in a generic way:

From the same “Hey-Dude-a-thon”, which included an airing of “Some Like It Hot” (season 4, episode 11), with narration by Christine Taylor, in character as Melody, previewing the next episode (“Cowboy Ernst” (season 2, episode 12)) over the closing credits. This is followed by video of David Lascher, in character as Ted, introducing “Mr. Moneybags” (season 4, episode 12):

From the same “Hey-Dude-a-thon”, David Lascher and Christine Taylor talk over the closing credits of “Mr. Moneybags” (season 4, episode 12), in character as Ted and Melody, previewing the next episode (“Murder, He Wrote” (season 4, episode 13)):

Here’s a parody “tribute” video (that somehow manages to insult the series). According to a post on IMDb, it was shot on the Backbone Trail in the Santa Monica Mountains, just north of Malibu, California:

Here’s a 2014 tour of the abandoned set, which is still standing – and wasting away – to this day:

Here’s an impromptu mini-interview with some of the cast at the ATX Television Festival (June, 2014), before the panel:

This is the 25th anniversary reunion panel from ATX Television Festival (June, 2014):

Here’s part of an interview with Jonathan Galkin (the “Hey Dude” portion) on “Running Late with Scott Rogowsky” (June 25, 2014):

Here’s a cast reunion spot on The Splat (featuring a clip of Christine Taylor and Kelly Brown at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards, which seems to be the April 22, 1991, edition):

Here’s a modern airing of a vintage commercial that the cast did, slightly altered for The Splat:

“Dude of Terror”, a hilarious horror-themed promo, on The Splat:

“Hey Dude” theme song fan tribute on The Splat:

Here are a series of “Hey Dude” 25th anniversary commercial spots featuring most of the cast (sans David Brisbin, Joe Torres, and Geoffrey Coy); unfortunately, they’re recorded by someone pointing a camera at the screen, but better this than nothing:

The Directors

Frederick King Keller directed 31 of the episodes. He’s had a long career of directing and producing (and even some writing), stretching from 1981 to 2014.

Ross K. Bagwell, Jr., directed 34 of the episodes. He had a short career of producing and directing, stretching from 1988 to 1999, working on only three other things besides “Hey Dude”. He died in October of 2008. Read this article.

The Actors

David Brisbin (Mr. Ernst) is still working, racking up 69 acting credits as of this writing. His recent credits include parts in/on “Twin Peaks: The Missing Pieces” (2014), “Justified” (2015), and “Idiotsitter” (2016). See David Brisbin on Hey Dude Wiki.

Kelly Brown (Brad) quit acting after “Hey Dude” (see Kelly Brown on Hey Dude Wiki). However, she owns a successful women’s clothing store (for seven years running as of this post), Kelly B Boutique, in Montauk, New York. You can check it out on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Or, if you’re in Montauk, stop in and say hi. Tell her that the crazy “Hey Dude” blogger sent you. I guarantee she’ll have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

Geoffrey Coy (Kyle) quit acting after “Hey Dude”. He currently works as a director of marketing. See Geoffrey Coy on Hey Dude Wiki.

Jonathan Galkin (Jake) was on a sketch comedy series called “Way Cool” in 1991 – just after “Hey Dude” ended. Then he quit acting. He currently heads DFA Records (cofounded in 2001). See Jonathan Galkin on Hey Dude Wiki.

Debrah Kalman (Lucy) has been in more things than I realized when I started this blog (and it’s not even all listed across her three IMDb pages; check out her resume). While she took a break to open restaurants and teach, she has now returned to acting. Her recent credits include parts in “Caretaker” and “Vengeance: A Love Story” (2017). See Debrah Kalman on Hey Dude Wiki.

David Scott Lascher (Ted) is still working, racking up 34 acting credits as of this writing. His recent credits include parts in/on “Melissa & Joey” (2014) and “The Boat Builder” (2015). See David Lascher on Hey Dude Wiki.

Christine Joan Taylor (Melody) is still working, racking up 56 acting credits as of this writing. Her recent credits include parts in/on “Arrested Development” (2005-2013), “Burning Love” (2012-2013, in which she played a character named Symphony *wink, wink*), “Sharing” (2015), “Zoolander 2” (2016), “Little Boxes” (2016), and “Zoolander: Super Model” (2016). See Christine Taylor on Hey Dude Wiki.

Joe Torres (Danny) quit acting after “Hey Dude” (see Joe Torres on Hey Dude Wiki). No one knows what happened to him, not even the cast and crew, who lost touch with him after the series wrapped. Rumors persist that he’s a car salesman in New Jersey, a pool shark at The Golden Nugget (a local dive bar in Tucson), or dead (of kidney failure while living on a reservation in Utah). However, a blogger posted this photo, supposedly of himself and Joe, in 2012.

Josh Tygiel (Buddy) made the decision in college to not pursue acting. He currently works for a private investigation firm in Portland. See Josh Tygiel on Hey Dude Wiki.

The Episodes

Okay, here is my authoritative (to myself, anyway, and only until I change my mind, which will probably be immediately after I post this) list of all “Hey Dude” episodes, ranked from worst to best (trust me, it wasn’t easy). Please keep in mind that this is more subjective than usual, because I’m trying to judge 65 episodes instead of just 13. Also, “worst” and “best” episodes are not indicative of what any of us might feel like watching at any particular moment, which largely depends on what we’re in the mood for. No descriptions this time (what more can I say?) and no links (see the separate page that I’m creating for all of the links), just the final word (see previous disclaimers earlier in this sentence):

#65: S3E12: The Bad Seed
#64: S4E03: Magnum Ernst
#63: S1E02: Battle of the Sexes
#62: S4E11: Some Like It Hot
#61: S1E07: Perfect Father
#60: S3E13: Stick Around
#59: S5E12: Double Date
#58: S5E03: Incredible Shrinking Ted
#57: S2E12: Cowboy Ernst
#56: S3E07: Dueling Ranches
#55: S4E06: Secret Admirer
#54: S3E09: No More Mr. Nice Guy
#53: S2E13: Take Me to Your Leader
#52: S5E02: The Legend of Jed
#51: S3E01: Inmates Run the Asylum
#50: S5E07: Amnesia
#49: S2E08: Treasure Teens
#48: S3E10: Killer Ernst
#47: S4E05: Fear
#46: S4E07: Lost in the Desert
#45: S5E04: Rest in Pieces
#44: S3E02: Hey Cinderella
#43: S3E06: Superstition
#42: S5E11: Jake’s Fight
#41: S4E13: Murder, He Wrote
#40: S4E04: Dudesbury
#39: S5E05: Baby
#38: S5E08: Presumed Stupid
#37: S3E04: New Kid on the Block
#36: S4E12: Mr. Moneybags
#35: S4E10: Doghouse Blues
#34: S5E06: Jealous Guy
#33: S5E13: War
#32: S4E01: They’re Back
#31: S2E06: Ghost Stories
#30: S2E03: Our Little Champion
#29: S1E08: The Good, the Bad, & the Obnoxious
#28: S1E13: Pain in the Neck
#27: S1E04: Ted’s Saddle
#26: S2E02: Battle of a Hundred Bucks
#25: S1E11: Suspicion
#24: S2E01: Loose Lips
#23: S2E05: Crash Landing
#22: S1E06: Rehearsal for Romance
#21: S2E07: Teacher’s Pest
#20: S2E04: Bunkmate Battle
#19: S2E11: Bar None Babysitter
#18: S2E10: Superstar
#17: S1E09: Rainmen
#16: S4E09: Do the Right Thing
#15: S2E09: Dan the Man
#14: S5E09: Crush
#13: S4E08: Return of Ted
#12: S1E01: Day One at the Bar None
#11: S1E12: Employee of the Week
#10: S5E10: Low Budget Brad
#9: S5E01: Miss Tucson
#8: S1E10: Ted and Brad Get Handcuffed
#7: S1E05: The Competition
#6: S3E05: Sewn at the Hip
#5: S3E08: Ex-Static
#4: S1E03: Goldilocks
#3: S4E02: Ride, She Said
#2: S3E03: Datenite
#1: S3E11: Melody’s Brother

Halloween Marathon

Wanna watch some “Hey Dude” for Halloween? Here’s my recommended order:

Season 5, Episode 02 – The Legend of Jed
Just a tiny bit of spookiness toward the end of the episode to start things off.

Season 4, Episode 07 – Lost in the Desert
Next up: Buddy thinks the staff of the Bar None are pod people! ARE THEY?!?!?!?!?! No.

Season 2, Episode 13 – Take Me to Your Leader
When the ranch is “invaded” by “aliens”, the gang must fend off the attack at all costs!

Season 2, Episode 06 – Ghost Stories
Save the best for last! Is the ranch haunted?! Will Ted survive the night?! No and yes.

The Characters

Here are the characters, ranked from my least favorite to my favorite:

Kyle Chandler appeared in 14 of the 65 episodes – just over one season’s worth of episodes (or just over 1/5th of the series) – and 14 of the 27 episodes of the “Kyle Era” (just over half). He came off mostly as a sexist asshole. There’s little redeeming about him, and he did absolutely nothing to improve the series.

Cassie appeared in 12 of the 65 episodes. She’s still better than Kyle, but, then again, I love animals.

Lucy appeared in 27 of the 65 episodes (just over two seasons’ worth of episodes or just over 2/5ths of the series) and was mentioned in 3 others. In terms of main characters that have been around since the beginning, she was the most useless. She was supposed to be an authority figure on the “ground level” (Mr. Ernst is often in his office) that could keep/set the kids straight, but there were plenty of episodes that called for that, yet she was nowhere to be seen. I really don’t understand why they wasted her. They didn’t even establish her last name.

Danny Lightfoot appeared in 64 of the 65 episodes. I like him just fine, but he’s the least developed of the longer-serving teens. He got some good character development, but it wasn’t often enough, so the series kind of gave the impression that he was just there most of the time.

Benjamin “Buddy” Ernst, Jr., appeared in 63 of the 65 episodes and was mentioned in 1 other, which means only 1 episode went by without his presence being felt. He was the kid character that the target audience could relate to. Overall, I like him, but he didn’t get many plots to himself. When he did, though, they were pretty good.

Mr. Benjamin J. Ernst appeared in 59 of the 65 episodes, had an additional voice cameo in 1 other, and was mentioned in 2 others, which means only 3 episodes went by without his presence being felt. He’s the funny, bumbling authority figure (kind of like Mr. Belding on “Saved by the Bell” or – and this is getting obscure – Gerald on “Boogies Diner”). Despite his occasional buffoonishness and crazy schemes, he genuinely cares for the kids and the ranch.

Jake Decker appeared in 36 of the 65 episodes. For a character that started as a replacement for Ted, he certainly became an enjoyable character in his own right. He wasn’t Ted. He wasn’t better than Ted (in my opinion). But he was funny and likable.

Theodore “Ted” Aloysius McGriff appeared in 44 of the 65 episodes and was mentioned (and seen in a photo) in 1 other. How can you not love Ted? He’s goofy. He’s charming. He fancies himself to be a ladies man. He was Zack Morris before Zack Morris was Zack Morris (at least, the “Saved by the Bell” version) – but more tolerable. Lascher’s brief departure from the series meant Ted wasn’t as omnipresent as he should could have been, but he did come back, so it’s all good.

Melody Hanson appeared in all 65 episodes. Overall, I love her, occasional mental lapses aside. She’s sweet, perky, and fun. I like that in characters – but not so much in people that I hang out with in real life.

Bradley “Brad” Taylor appeared in all 65 episodes. She’s my favorite character, bar none. Sure, she’s rich and kind of snobby – but only kind of. What I love about her is her dedication to her friends and her boss and her…grounded ordinariness. Limited exceptions aside, Brad was generally calm and didn’t buy into the bullshit. Her favorite pastime was reading. She loved nothing more than to sit down with a good book, a bowl of popcorn, and perhaps a vibrator. She wasn’t particularly outstanding, but she had a quiet warmth about her that I love.

DVD Set Review

Ah, the DVD set from The Shout! Factory. I was so happy when I saw it. Overall, it’s a good set, and it has a bonus feature (an interview with Christine Taylor), which is one more bonus feature than I expected. That said, I wish Shout! could have dug up all of the publicity photos and made a gallery or something. Or tried to get the commercials that aired on Nickelodeon.

There are some video and audio glitches, and I can’t tell if they’re due to tape damage or encoding errors.

Speaking of encoding, Shout! did not make use of the discs’ full capacity. Here are some examples:

On season 1, disc 2, the episodes were encoded at a constant bitrate of 5,000 kbps. The Christine Taylor interview, by contrast, was encoded at a variable bitrate of 7,100 kbps (meaning it topped out at 7,100 but went lower if the content didn’t necessitate as much). I loaded the DVD files into a dual-layer DVD project in Nero (my DVD burning software). What I discovered was, with or without the interview, Shout! could have fit two more episodes onto the disc. That’s how much space that they left unused! Imagine if they’d bumped up the bitrates on those episodes. They would have looked a bit better – maybe a lot better.

They seemed to gradually get better as the seasons went on (the seasons were each originally released separately). Season 2, disc 1, was 5,300 (constant). Season 3, disc 1, was 5,500 (constant); even then, one more episode could have fit. Season 3, disc 2, was 6,000 (constant); again, one more episode could have fit. Season 4, disc 1, was encoded at a variable bitrate of 8,500 kbps. Even then, one more episode could have fit.

The thing is they didn’t even need to fit extra episodes on the discs, because two discs per season makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is all of that unused disc space going to waste.

I have one more complaint about the DVD set. It’s nice that they included an episode guide, but did they have to print it on the reverse of the cover? You can’t read it!

Final Thoughts

“Hey Dude” was the right series at the right time. It had an interesting setting (a dude ranch, not just summer camp). It had a mix of characters from different backgrounds and of different ages. It was funny, goofy, heartfelt, serious, absurd, and, yes, even dumb at times. It was a little wild and a little strange. But it captured our attention. And it’s still remembered today – as Christine Taylor can attest.

It’s been an interesting journey, going back to a childhood favorite and reviewing it an episode at a time. I’m glad that I went back to the Bar None. I got to hang out with some of my childhood friends. That said, I would never actually want to work at a dude ranch. I’m not a manual-labor person, I despise yardwork, I don’t like being out in the sun, and I clean only when I have to. Working at the Bar None wouldn’t be any fun for me. It would be interesting to stay at a dude ranch on a vacation, but that’s not a priority for me.

I can’t guarantee this blog will ever be updated again. That said, stay subscribed. It’s always possible that I might find some obscure video or photo to share – or even get a hold of the original pilot taped at the Tanque Verde Guest Ranch with a different Lucy (that’s what Christine Taylor refers to in her interview on the DVD set, not “Day One at the Bar None“), but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Also, feel free to continue posting comments. Discuss the episodes and the series in general. Share any information that you find. If you were an extra or guest star or someone else involved in the production, please share your experiences. I want this community to continue.

An Ending…and a New Beginning

So here we are. I’m a bit amazed that I was able to complete this journey. Thank you to all of the readers (whether you’ve commented or not) that have come along with me.

I’ve decided to start up another episode-review blog. I had thought long and hard about what I wanted to review next, from “Clarissa Explains It All” (which I recall watching back in the day, but nowhere near as much as “Hey Dude”, so it’s not particularly nostalgic to me) to “Bubblegum Crisis” (I own the entire franchise on DVD, but I lack the albums, and the music is a big part of the series) to “NASCAR Racers” (a pretty cool series that aired on FOX Kids back in the day) to “W.I.T.C.H.” (another cool series, but there’s a lack of English translations of the extensive Italian comics, the original source material, so comparisons would be lacking) to “Cybersix” (ditto, except Argentinian instead of Italian) to the Mario cartoons (there would have been issues with getting a hold of certain episodes that weren’t released on DVD) to “Sailor Moon” (as much as I love the franchise, it’s much too complex for me to handle) to various Sunbow cartoons (there are issues with episode variants and the DVDs not matching what aired back in the 1980s) to the motherfucking Bible (that seriously needs to be done by someone) – as well as a bunch of other possibilities that came and went very quickly.

Then the answer suddenly hit me one day. I will be tackling the new series, “Riverdale”, which will be airing on The CW starting around January or February of 2017 (according to Wikipedia). It’s based on Archie Comics, and it is, in fact, the first live-action adaptation of the primary Archie characters to make it to series. In short, this is something that many longtime Archie fans – myself included (fan since 1990, one or two years before I discovered “Hey Dude”) – have hoped and waited for, and it’s finally coming. However, you don’t have to wait! The blog is already up, and I will not be reviewing just “Riverdale”, because that would be a sporadic blog! I will also be reviewing other television adaptations of Archie Comics – and even the sole theatrical film so far. In addition to “Riverdale”, the blog will also primarily focus on “The New Archies” (1987) and “Archie’s Weird Mysteries” (1999-2000), usually alternating between the two. In addition, I will review at least one episode each of each of the other Archie Comics adaptations – as well as some other stuff like comics and novels – as a sort of guided tour / sampling of Archie’s history, which will give context for the three primary series. If the blog happens to last long enough (Goddess willing), I might upgrade another series to primary status once I finish one. The Wednesday schedule will continue for now, because that’s comfortable and familiar (just like the characters that I’ll be spending time with) – but also because it’s unknown when “Riverdale” will air at this point. I might have to adjust the review schedule down the road if I need more time to review a “Riverdale” episode, but we’ll get there when we get there.

So now we bid farewell to the characters that we’ve spent sixteen months with, mount our horses, leave the Bar None, and head…to a little town called Riverdale.

Novel: Showdown at the Bar None

Writer: Bonnie Worth
Cover Photo: Chip Simon
Publisher: Grosset & Dunlap
Imprint: Nickelodeon Books
Editorial Services: Parachute Press
Original release date: January 29, 1992

A while ago, as I was approaching the end of the series, I decided to search for “Hey Dude” novels and comics, my reasoning being “Well, ‘Saved by the Bell’ had them.” Imagine my pleasant surprise when I came across this on Amazon. I ordered it immediately, of course, and I read it in early July (finishing it on the morning of July 4, when I woke up earlier than usual).

So what is it? It’s essentially a novelization of “Inmates Run the Asylum” (season 3, episode 01) from Brad’s perspective (but written in the third person) with a brief flashback to “Day One at the Bar None” (season 1, episode 01) and a bit of original material thrown in. No completely new story, sorry.

The story portion of the book is 89 pages long, and it’s divided into 13 chapters. It originally retailed for $2.95 ($3.95 Canadian). I got it for one penny plus shipping.

In this review, I won’t summarize the entire plot; instead, I’ll be comparing the novelization to the aired episode, pointing out the differences as I go.

First, though, here’s the blurb from the back cover:

“Hey dude:
showdown at the bar none

Ted in charge? What could be worse! He turns into Attila the Hun with a cowboy hat! Can Brad stop him? And if she does, will she be in charge? Will there be an all-out war at the Bar None Ranch?

Now the only kid cowboy TV comedy is a book! All the wisecracks and adventures of Nickelodeon’s HEY DUDE are here in SHOWDOWN AT THE BAR NONE-with no commercial interruptions! You won’t want to miss it!”

Chapter 1: Emergency Meeting (novel pages 7-16, story pages 1-10)

This is a new scene. Mr. Ernst wakes the entire teen staff up for an “emergency staff meeting” at 5:00 AM. This annoys Brad. Melody is already wide awake and perky, though. We learn Melody has been working at the Bar None since she was thirteen years old, and “there’s never been an emergency”. Melody wakes up early every morning to swim laps in the pool. She gets out of bed and “pull[s] on her bathing suit” (I guess she sleeps naked). She brushes her hair and urges Brad to come the fuck on.

Brad reluctantly drags herself out of bed and puts on her jodhpurs and riding boots. So is Brad wearing anything up top (like a pajama shirt), or does she go to the meeting with her boobs on full display? (I bet the entire “staff” would “perk up” then!)

We learn Brad’s had horses of her own ever since she could walk and is an expert show jumper. She’s never worked before, so this takes getting used to. Yep, the writer’s treating the series (or at least up until “Inmates Run the Asylum”) as one summer.

Brad thinks about her home life versus the Bar None and doesn’t regret coming here for the summer. At home, she’d be lounging around the pool at her parents’ country club every day, treated like a pampered princess by everybody, and coming home at 5:00 AM after a night of hot fucking.

They meet up with Ted and Danny on their way to the main lodge. Ted ribs Brad about her appearance, but Brad has no tolerance for his bullshit. Ted continues yapping. Brad thinks about the “senior staff” thing and how no one knows what it means. She does find Ted cute.

Brad takes in the desert scenery and atmosphere and wonders about the emergency, but no one knows what it’s about. She admires Danny for his skill with horses but doesn’t understand his tolerance of Ted.

Ted and Danny talk about two of Mr. Ernst crazy schemes (which we’ve never seen before): selling replicas of the ranch inside little plastic snowdomes and throwing a “Come as Your Favorite Cactus” theme party for the guests. Melody remarks Mr. Ernst “has some of the dippiest ideas”. Brad likes Mr. Ernst but agrees he’s dippy. Buddy is specifically stated to be 12, and it seems like it’s saying that was his age (not 11) at the time that he and his dad moved out here “from New York”. It seems the horn on Mr. Ernst’s “jeep” (the novel uses the word generically) plays “Home on the Range” instead of the series’ theme music (as in the series premiere).

When they enter the main lodge, Brad stifles a laugh at Mr. Ernst’s outfit. She observes Buddy is also nerdy and guesses he doesn’t mind his father all that much.

Mr. Ernst thanks them for coming and gets to the point. The scene then conveys the same information about Mr. Ernst’s trip to Reddington as in the scene immediately following the opening theme in the episode. However, here, it’s explicitly stated to be an auction, whereas I had assumed from the episode that it was just a regular sale. Also, it’s next Saturday, which means the novel starts the plot way earlier than the episode.

Anyway, the teens don’t give a shit, and Brad expresses concern about Mr. Ernst’s horse-buying ability as in the episode. Brad doesn’t get to suggest one of them going with him, because Mr. Ernst talks right away about Lucy helping out. We learn Lucy is “chief of staff” and “head wrangler” on the ranch.

Other changes include Mr. Ernst and Lucy planning to stay overnight in Reddington (as opposed to Mr. Ernst having to, because he ran out of gas) and Mr. Ernst having the idea of placing one of them in charge (as opposed to being talked into it). Again, why not pick an adult?

Ted volunteers, and the other teens burst out laughing. Ted claims he’s “worked here longer than any of [them]” and is “a real pro on horseback”. Mr. Ernst agrees, but Brad protests, and then Ted counters. They don’t fight over the keys (obviously), and the dialogue isn’t the same. Mr. Ernst doesn’t even suggest putting Danny in charge.

Ted tries to claim Brad doesn’t know the first thing about ranching and brings up how everyone thought she was a guest when she first arrived. Brad disputes it and lies, so Ted gets Melody to admit even she thought so, which annoys Brad.

As Ted keeps talking, Brad thinks back to the first episode her arrival…

Chapter 2: Brad’s First Day (novel pages 17-25, story pages 11-19)

This is a very condensed flashback to the series premiere. It’s told from Brad’s point of view. She arrives at the ranch. Ted and Brad introduce themselves using their full names (unlike in the episode). Ted mentions he’s senior staff, but there’s no discussion of what that is. Ted doesn’t mention riding, and Brad doesn’t react to it. Ted wants to help her with her luggage, but she refuses, not liking it when guys treat her as if she needs their help all of the time. It’s even worse when they get obnoxious about it. Ted doesn’t fall into the watering trough.

Later, Brad is standing by a window in the main lodge and witnesses Ted and Danny meeting up, which occurs on the porch instead of in the boys’ bunk house. There’s no banter or discussion of fry bread, but the handshake is included. Brad listens in as Ted talks about her. He calls her a tenderfoot and tries to think of a way to impress her. The guys don’t notice her.

Suddenly, they hear a wild neigh coming from the “main corral”. Lucy is the one trying to lead Rocket, who’s referred to as a stallion, into the corral. Ted starts to get an idea, and he and Danny argue over it as they head to the corral.

In the next scene, all of the teens gather in the corral with Lucy – even Brad, dressed in her riding clothes. The continuity of the episode is further altered: Brad had already met Lucy in the main lodge and Melody in the girls’ bunk house. Here, this was before Ted and Danny met up. Melody’s meet-up with the guys isn’t described here. In the episode, Brad and Lucy don’t share any screen time until near the end.

Brad likes both Lucy and Melody, but she doesn’t have much in common with either of them. Lucy is described as being “ten years or so” older than them.

Brad admires Rocket. An “old nag” named Pansy is also here, a good-natured old horse used mostly for children’s pony rides. There’s a conversation between Ted and Danny, which Brad shouldn’t be aware of, because Ted is whispering. Lucy warns Ted against riding Rocket, but here it’s because she overhears Ted discussing riding to impress Brad, not just a general feeling that she has. She heads to the main lodge.

Ted swaggers over to Brad and wants to give her a riding demonstration. Danny introduces himself to Brad using his full name. Brad doesn’t like being typed as a princess by Ted. Ted wants to take up his own “challenge” of riding Pansy, and the others laugh at him. Ted then switches to Rocket on his own instead of Brad challenging him. Melody and Danny protest, but Ted goes through with it.

As in the episode, Rocket throws him off, and he lands in a “mud puddle”.

Danny and Brad rush in and save his ass.

Brad rides Rocket, but here she does it to calm him down, not to show off.

Brad introduces herself as the new riding instructor. She “kind of” likes Ted “in spite of herself”. Ted asks for her help and then pulls her into the puddle.

As you can tell, the novel combines all three corral scenes into one, it cuts out Brad’s meeting with Melody, and there’s no mention of Mr. Ernst or even the fact that the ranch has a new owner. Also, Lucy doesn’t bust them.

Chapter 3: The Original Bar None Allergy Cure (novel pages 26-31, story pages 20-25)

The smell of coffee drifting through the open windows brings Brad back to the present. Ted’s still talking. Brad knows breakfast is about to begin, and the meeting will have to end.

Brad and Ted argue again, and it devolves into insults. Mr. Ernst breaks it up and says he has a week to decide. You’ve gotta be shitting me. He called an “emergency meeting” to discuss a relatively minor situation that wouldn’t be an issue for another week? Anyway, he tells them to get to work and please the guests.

The teens leave the main lodge, Brad and Ted upset. Melody and Danny decide to skip breakfast in order to avoid the “battle zone”. Danny invites Melody to hang out in the main lodge (which they’d just walked out of), and the scene abruptly ends (that was odd), but it’s the end of the page, so you don’t know the next page starts a new scene until you start reading it.

Ted and Brad manage to avoid each other at breakfast. Brad goes to the corral to organize the morning ride, and Ted goes to the main lodge to check the duty roster. Danny and Melody are killing time until their (unspecified) activities start in another hour. There’s no one else here except the staff, because all of the guests are busy with activities.

The rest of the chapter is basically the “clumsy Buddy” bit from the cold open of the episode – but moved indoors. Buddy trips down the stairs. Melody helps Buddy to his feet and asks him if he okay (she doesn’t do either in the episode). Brad (who’s not present) doesn’t say “Get a life” to the guys. Melody, not Brad, asks Buddy what’s wrong. Comparing the novel to the episode made me realize I was wrong in my review of “War” (season 5, episode 13). There’s actually one more reference to the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise. That makes a total of four, I believe.

Anyway, Buddy is explicitly stated to be wearing a Yankees baseball cap. I guess Bonnie Worth confused his Mets cap (which he doesn’t wear in the episode) for a Yankees cap, but I don’t blame her, because I did the same thing.

Melody, not Brad, asks “What little things?” The novel has the others be silent when they believe Buddy has a point. Melody then comes “to the rescue”. In the episode, Brad just immediately starts talking. Mr. Ernst trips and falls down the stairs, not from the porch. Instead of heading to the Jeep to go on the trip, he just wants Buddy to come along with him, because he wants to tell him about his idea for “a new way to fold newspapers”. Yeah…

Interestingly, they head toward “Lucy’s bunkhouse”. Lucy has her own bunk house? “Ted and Brad Get Handcuffed” (season 1, episode 10) seems to indicate she sleeps in the main lodge, but maybe she was there just to make sure that Brad and Ted didn’t fuck like crazed weasels kill each other.

Buddy laments not inheriting Arnold Schwarzenegger’s genes.

Chapter 4: The Trail Ride (novel pages 32-42, story pages 26-36)

This chapter is entirely new material.

On Sunday morning, early riser Melody comes back from her morning swim. Brad gets out of bed and gets dressed. Melody informs Brad that today’s duty roster has Brad and Ted on an Evening Trail Ride tonight with some horses and about fifteen guests. Brad wants Melody to switch with her, but Melody has to lifeguard at the poolside barbecue (which those fifteen guests aren’t attending, I guess) tonight. Brad wants to find a way out of it. She and Ted still aren’t on speaking terms. Melody gets all romantic about Brad/Ted, and Brad, somehow, doesn’t believe Ted likes her. Where has she been this whole time? Anyway, Melody finally gets Brad to admit Ted is “maybe just a little bit lovable”, but Brad denies liking Ted. Melody doesn’t believe it but doesn’t want to argue.

Brad teaches the children’s riding class all morning long and then goes to Mr. Ernst’s office to try to get out of the trail ride. Mr. Ernst puts her on the spot (we learn she usually does less than her share of chores), so Brad bullshits some horse-related duties that she has to see to. Mr. Ernst tells her that she and Ted are the only ones available for the trail ride, so tough shit.

Brad arrives at the corral in the evening, ignores Ted (who makes a show of praising her in front of the guests), goes to the stable, readies her favorite palomino (Duchess), and joins the others. After a bit in which they answer some questions (which Brad tells them to ask, even though she privately knows she’s not an expert), during which Ted bullshits, they head out during sunset.

As the sun sets, the hot, dry air cools quickly. Night is coming.

Brad bullshits her way through a cactus question, Ted tells a tall tale about Desert Pirates and a haunted cavern, and Brad bullshits about the government performing experiments on aliens in a nearby secret facility. A guest reminds them of dinner (seemingly the one that Melody was too busy lifeguarding to take over on the trail ride for Brad, despite the fact that the guests expect to be back from the trail ride in time for dinner), so Brad wants to head back to the ranch but realizes they’re lost.

Chapter 5: Time to Panic (novel pages 43-49, story pages 37-43)

Brad and Ted bullshit some interesting sights while trying to find the trail – to no avail. It’s getting dark, the guests grumble, and Brad starts to panic. Ted and Brad each accept responsibility for getting them lost, and Brad admits she can’t let anyone outdo her in anything. Suddenly, Ted hears a horse approach. Danny arrives, saying they missed dinner, but Ted plays it cool. Danny leads them back to the ranch, and some of the guests ask him questions. Brad and Ted argue with each other and stop speaking to each other again.

When Brad gets back to the girls’ bunk house, Melody is reading in bed. I wonder if it’s erotica. Anyway, Melody gets all wet thinking about some hot Brad/Ted action, but Brad’s fucking pissed and just strips right in front of Melody. Seriously. She even throws her clothes on the floor, such is her anger. She “stomps” her way into her pajamas, flops onto her bed, and covers herself with her pillow. Melody tries to get her to talk, and Brad tells her about how Ted “nearly” got them lost in the desert. No, Brad, there’s no “nearly” about it, and both of you were to blame. Melody makes a Brad/Ted crack, and Brad throws her pillow at her and tells her to shut the fuck up.

Chapter 6: Who’s in Charge? (novel pages 50-54, story pages 44-48)

This is basically the rest of the scene after the theme song from the episode – but with the change of it being another emergency meeting at 5:00 AM. Also, Lucy is present, and Buddy isn’t. Other than Mr. Ernst, the only ones that are wide awake are Melody, Brad, and Ted. Brad and Ted fight over seats and suck up to Mr. Ernst. There’s no arguing; Mr. Ernst just decides to flip the coin, which doesn’t go under the Jeep. Mr. Ernst gives Ted the master keys, and then Mr. Ernst and Lucy drive off. The rest of the chapter plays out pretty much like the scene in the episode.

Chapter 7: The New System (novel pages 55-62, story pages 49-56)

This is the meeting in “Ted’s” office. Changes include Ted talking to himself about the “big responsibility” of his job, moving the furniture around, and somehow having time to create a “Mr. McGriff” nameplate (instead of a badge).

After the others arrive, Buddy sets up the easel and pad of paper (it was already set up in the episode). Danny nods as a signal to start the humming. Ted’s four-star task isn’t as funny in the novel as in the episode:

Melody doesn’t say Mr. Ernst will be back in a few hours (obviously). Also, we learn Melody is “so used to following the rules” that she can’t even break a “stupid one” and doesn’t want a demerit, which I guess somewhat explains her shock upon receiving one in the scene in the episode.

Chapter 8: Into the Lake (novel pages 63-67, story pages 57-61)

After breakfast, Brad gives her morning riding lesson, despite not being in the mood. As it turns out, the lesson calms her down a bit. One of the children, an eight-year-old girl named Melissa, manages her first jump.

After the lesson, Brad goes to the girls’ bunk house to change out of her riding clothes and into shorts and sandals. She heads toward the ramada for a snack.

On the way, she sees Danny slumped on a wooden bench in the shade of a mesquite tree, and she sits down next to him. The novel then goes through the scene between them at the hay shack in the episode – but moved to this new location. The dialogue is pretty much the same. The major difference is the removal of Buddy and his eye exam (and thus part of his subplot), so Brad gets Ted’s location from Danny. They head to the lake.

“Brad’s jaw was set, her fists were clenched, and her blue eyes flashed.”

We then get the lake scene. I just noticed, in the episode, there’s a bit of an audio glitch when Melody says “Ted, this is boring”, so it sounds like she says “Ted, this is whoring”. Hehehe.

Anyway, the write-and-rip routine is condensed a bit in the novel, and Melody’s cute “parade” comment is removed, but the novel still describes it as a parade in the narration. Ted tries to use a forceful tone. Melody’s line about Mr. Ernst’s return is updated to tomorrow morning, and her reason for stepping in is her duty as a lifeguard, because it’s against the rules to throw people off the dock. Brad says it’s her “personal belief that a dousing in cold water cures some forms of insanity”. Danny adds his grandmother always says it; it’s “an old Hopi remedy”. Buddy doesn’t interrupt to give an update on his dad’s return (obviously). Notably, Brad and Danny blatantly throw Ted into the lake, whereas he just fell off the dock when they and Melody ganged up on him in the episode. Melody doesn’t steal Ted’s citation pad. Ted doesn’t call them traitors.

Chapter 9: The Creature From the Black Lagoon (novel pages 68-73, story pages 62-67)

Melody, Danny, and Brad pass the boathouse on their way back up to the main lodge. Buddy is surrounded by guests that want to rent boats for the afternoon. This really doesn’t have anything to do with the story – except maybe hinting at Buddy taking responsibility for the ranch.

The rest of the chapter is the beginning of the scene in the main lodge from the episode. There are minor – and inconsequential – differences regarding the teens serving the guests (such as the old couple that Danny talks to in the episode being young honeymooners from New York City in the novel and getting a lot of detail).

When Ted comes in, Brad teasingly calls him the Creature From the Black Lagoon (which has been mentioned twice on the series, including Brad comparing Ted to it once). Brad stage-whispers the part about Ted being kicked in the head by a horse instead of just saying it out loud. Ted seizes the register book from the front desk. He doesn’t converse with the guests. He yells “I’m not moving!” at Danny, who imitates a mental health orderly, instead of Melody. Melody, not Brad, is the one that suggests going into Mr. Ernst’s office to come up with a “fair solution”. Brad follows Ted into the office, grabs the master keys from his pocket, and darts back outside instead of remaining outside as in the episode. This still doesn’t explain how (and I admit I didn’t think of it while reviewing the episode) Ted can be locked in the office.

Oh, and Brad has the stupid habit of calling Ted “Teddykins”. What the fuck? That sounds like something that Veronica Lodge would do.

Chapter 10: Brad Takes Over (novel pages 74-81, story pages 68-75)

This is the rest of the lodge scene from the episode.

Changes include Brad going back to the front desk (and putting the keys on it, which actually makes it easier for Buddy to swipe them) and interacting with a postcard-buying female guest instead of remaining by the office door, the female guest being the one to say she’ll call the police instead of the male guest on the couch, and the deletion of Buddy’s carrot bit (and thus more of his subplot). Melody mentally compares Ted and Brad to the dictators that they learned about in history class. When Ted calls, we hear what Ted asks her, so she doesn’t repeat it. Brad, not Danny, asks Ted what’s going on.

Oddly, Mr. Ernst’s office is described as being surrounded by the porch, whereas we know from the series that this isn’t the case:

We learn Brad plans to lock Ted in the broom closet for the night. Also, hearing a jingling sound, Brad runs out on the porch and sees Ted dangling the keys through a gap in the boards over the window. She then storms back inside the lodge after learning of Buddy’s role. Ted taunts Brad a bit more in the novel, and it makes it sound like there’s no window right next to the office door. Melody says Danny’s one line in addition to her own. Ted calls Brad “Braddikins”. What’s with the stupid nicknames? Buddy letting Ted out of the office (and their banter) is cut, because Brad isn’t present to witness it.

Chapter 11: Revenge! (novel pages 82-88, story pages 76-82)

First, we get the girls’ bunk house scene from the episode. We get a bit of desert atmosphere at the beginning (including a full moon, which actually is not shown in the episode).

It’s mentioned Ted cut off the power to the girls’ bunk house, because him actually doing it was cut from the previous scene. Melody, Danny, and Brad use a flashlight instead of a lantern. Ted and Buddy’s antics (including the continuation of Buddy’s subplot) when they sneak up are cut, but the novel breaks perspective to let us know they’re outside.

Brad’s opening speech, the banter, and the discussion of details are all cut. Brad directly states her plan. The spies don’t attract Brad’s attention until Buddy laughs at the insult that Danny makes in response to Brad’s “liberty” speech (which she still makes, even though it doesn’t work without the lantern). Ted and Buddy duck down low instead of going off to the side, yet they still somehow avoid detection. Brad sees a jackrabbit outside. Backtracking a bit (in the novel), regarding Melody and Brad’s argument, Melody adds she’s getting sleepy, and Brad humorously thinks Melody’s being stubborn by always insisting everything make sense. Before saying they attack at dawn, Brad admits she’s feeling a little jumpy and suggests they get some sleep. Danny leaves for the boys’ bunk house. Brad doesn’t insist they go over the plan one more time.

Next, we get the attack scene from the next day. The talking is cut, but some of Brad’s lines are moved to her thoughts. Ted’s “suspiciously loud” snoring is heard. Brad actually climbs into the office. Ted really is on the couch, and he had the garden hose hidden under the (Navajo) blanket…somehow. Buddy turns on the water full force, and Ted gets Brad, Danny, and Melody wet immediately instead of delaying. Brad has to order Melody and Danny (who have retreated) to come back and attack, and they end up turning on Brad and holding her directly in the line of fire.

After Brad chastises Ted, she silently thinks this never would have happened if she’d been in charge. Melody and Danny’s lines are swapped. She comes up with the plan of action, and he assigns the tasks. Danny doesn’t join Melody in yelling at Brad and Ted. Buddy doesn’t say “Those kids…”, which means less of his subplot.

Brad goes after Duchess first and puts her back in her stable. Ted calls Brad to help him with Rocket. The two of them team up and manage to calm Rocket down and lead him into the corral. (Neither horse was specifically mentioned in the episode, but Rocket’s inclusion here is meant to more fully tie the events of the first episode into this story.) Then they catch the other horses. Ted thanks Brad and says, once in a while, they’re a pretty good team. Brad agrees.

Chapter 12: Now Who’s in Charge? (novel pages 89-91, story pages 83-85)

Brad and Ted, not Danny, get the last horse back into the corral. The guests are just coming to “the mess hall” (something that’s never been mentioned in the series, unless it’s the same thing as the never-seen dining room) for breakfast. During her apology, Brad pats Duchess and feeds her a lump of sugar (despite putting her in her stable earlier). Brad and Ted silently admit the shit that they’d caused had been kind of fun. Brad doesn’t suggest, next time, they vote on who’s in charge.

In the main lodge, Buddy is described as wearing one of his father’s Stetson hats.

After the gang comes by, Melody has a new line: she softly admits Buddy’s a lot more responsible than any of them. There’s no discussion of pocket protectors, Danny doesn’t put the hat on Buddy (obviously), and Buddy doesn’t order them back to work.

Chapter 13: Back to Normal-Sort Of (novel pages 92-95, story pages 86-89)

This is the pre-credits scene at the end of the episode. Mr. Ernst’s “jeep” is the red one from the series premiere, not the yellow one from the episode that this novel is based on:

They got one new horse instead of a few. Mr. Ernst doesn’t ask about Buddy’s appearance. Brad and Melody don’t join Ted in trying to dissuade Mr. Ernst from hearing about what went on while he was gone. Instead, he says he’s not too busy this morning and suggests they come into his office and tell him about it. Then he immediately heads to his office, so they have no choice but to follow him, nervous.

In the office, Brad sees Ted’s photo still on the desk and cringes. Melody and Danny rush over to the still-damp wall and stand in front of it while Buddy tries to dry it off with the damp Navajo blanket. Ted discreetly moves the furniture back to their original places. The phone rings, and Mr. Ernst is soon caught up in his work. He smiles and waves the kids away, forgetting what he asked them in here for.

Brad thinks “Saved by the bell” and, while Mr. Ernst is distracted, swipes Ted’s picture from the desk. Brad decides Mr. Ernst will never know about the showdown at the Bar None Ranch, and that’s okay, because what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Final Thoughts

This is an okay novel. It’s nothing great, though. I’m not sure why the author didn’t just write a wholly original story (unless she was mandated to write a novelization), which seems like what she wanted to do.

The new material is okay. The changes to the episode(s), for the most part, are unneeded (and sometimes even nonsensical, such as the garden hose being in Mr. Ernst’s office) and seem to be changes just for the sake of changes. The only change for the better is Brad putting the keys on the desk, because how the fuck did Buddy get them off her in the episode?

Buddy’s subplot was cut down so much (and replaced with a brief new moment that merely hints at his subplot – and only in retrospect at that) that it might as well have been cut entirely if the author didn’t feel like devoting space to it.

I appreciate the novel being from Brad’s perspective, even if that perspective is broken on three separate occasions for no real reason (Brad remembering someone else’s private conversation in a flashback; Brad being absent from a scene that she was present for in the episode, simply because she and Ted are avoiding each other in the novel; and Ted and Buddy outside the window).

As it is, this novel is non-canon, but it’s still undeniably “Hey Dude”. I was hoping for a brand-new canon story, but this is all that we get. It’s worth checking out, and it’s a quick read. Bonnie Worth has also written other books.

Tune in next Wednesday as I take a look back at “Hey Dude” as a whole – and reveal what’s coming up next.

Season 5 Recap

Welcome to the recap of season 5 of “Hey Dude”. Here, I’m going to give my thoughts on the season as a whole and the characters and rank the episodes from worst to best.

Before that, though, remember what I said last week about only three episode review releases being delayed to Thursday? Well, that still holds true, but this recap is number four overall.

It’s partially my fault. I knew I had to go to bed early in order to get up early for work today, but I spent most of Wednesday afternoon reading reviews of episodes 11-16 of “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers” over at Ranger Retrospective (I spent the morning doing yardwork, but such is my lot in life). I had recently gotten into MMPR through Netflix (never saw it back in the day except maybe a handful of episodes), and I had marathoned episodes 11-16 on Tuesday night. I figured I could relax after the yardwork with some snarky reviews, because I was almost done writing the recap, and surely it would take little time to post, right?

Wrong.

I don’t think it’s WordPress’ fault. I think it’s a problem with Java, but it seemed to affect WordPress last night a lot more than usual. I use Firefox, and WordPress often gives me trouble (delays) with doing things (the mouse cursor turns into that little, blue, spinning circle, indicating it’s busy or stuck), but it was ludicrous last night – to the point that searching for and adding links and pictures became a chore. Every. Single. Time. I eventually just had to give up for the night.

This long explanation basically amounts to: I’m sorry, and I’ll try to keep this shit in mind and give myself more time when posting the series recap.

On to the show…

The Writers

Season 5 saw the final contributions of six writers, three of which had been with the series since season 1 and one of which had been with the series since season 2:

Paul Budra (The Legend of Jed, Amnesia) joined the writing staff this season and wrote two of the sillier episodes. It was his sole paid writing work (that made it to television, anyway). He appeared in a TV documentary about pro wrestler Bret Hart in 1998. How random.

Patrick Maguire (Secret Admirer; Murder, He Wrote; Incredible Shrinking Ted) joined the writing staff in season 4. It was his sole paid writing work (that made it to television, anyway), and he’s done nothing else.

Lisa Melamed (Dan the Man, Sewn at the Hip, Ex-Static, Stick Around, Dudesbury, Miss Tucson, Crush, Low Budget Brad (teleplay)) joined the writing staff in season 2. At 8 episodes, she ties for third place in terms of total contribution to the canon. She always gives the girls something to do, if not in a starring role then at least as strong supporting characters. “Hey Dude” was neither her first work nor her last. She’s had a long career, spanning 1984-2014, as a program coordinator, assistant, executive story editor, writer, and producer (of various kinds).

Clifford Fagin (The Good, the Bad, & the Obnoxious; Suspicion; Teacher’s Pest; Superstar; Datenite; Ride, She Said; Magnum Ernst; Baby) was with the series since season 1. At 8 episodes (I just realized I misspelled his last name in the reviews of the first two, and I apologize for that), he ties for third place in terms of total contribution to the canon. He was also an executive script consultant on the series, and…that’s it.

Judy Spencer (Goldilocks, Pain in the Neck, Our Little Champion, Bar None Babysitter, Hey Cinderella, No More Mr. Nice Guy, Melody’s Brother, Lost in the Desert, Presumed Stupid, Jake’s Fight) was with the series since season 1. At 10 episodes, she takes second place in terms of total contribution to the canon. She had the odd habit of trying to convince us that Melody was the problem, despite evidence to the contrary. “Hey Dude” was her first work. She then wrote an episode of “Doug”, took a long break, and wrote for the series “Student Bodies” from 1997 to 1999. That’s her last work to date.

Graham Yost (The Competition, Perfect Father, Ted and Brad Get Handcuffed, Crash Landing, Ghost Stories, Inmates Run the Asylum, Superstition, The Bad Seed, Fear, Return of Ted, Mr. Moneybags, Jealous Guy, War) was with the series since season 1. At 13 episodes, he contributed the most to the canon, writing a full one-fifth of the series (or an entire season’s worth of episodes). “Hey Dude” (on which he was also an executive script consultant) was his first work (or maybe it was working as a foley artist in a short), but it certainly wasn’t his last. He’s continued working up to the present day, including writing, directing, acting, presenting, and producing (of various kinds).

The Episodes

Season 5 was the first season since season 2 to have a stable cast. Not having to worry about characters coming or going, it could focus on just telling stories. These thirteen episodes offer a variety of character spotlights and stories (and story quality).

#13: Double Date
You know it’s bad when Kyle’s the most sensible one in the episode. We’re supposed to feel sorry for Melody, too, but she was such a bitch to Brad that I just can’t. Speaking of Brad, she’s suddenly made out to be the Mac Mommy (with absolutely no build-up to it), and she devolves into Ted-like behavior. Just bad all around.

#12: Incredible Shrinking Ted
A ridiculous premise. No one would fall for this kind of practical joke.

#11: The Legend of Jed
Another ridiculous premise. This episode really has no business existing. Kinda funny, though, mostly thanks to Jonathan Galkin.

#10: Amnesia
A pretty funny father/son episode, but the instigating event and resolution was…dubious (to say the least).

#9: Rest in Pieces
Kinda funny but pretty ludicrous, mostly due to an extreme lack of communication and a lack of willingness on the part of everyone involved to check a medical book, which was somehow needed, because these ranchers had no clue about a common horse disease. Gotta love Mean Melody, though.

#8: Jake’s Fight
A funny, albeit senseless, episode. It really could have been solved by just walking away.

#7: Baby
A funny and nice episode in which almost everyone gets to shine.

#6: Presumed Stupid
Great performances by Lascher and Brown, but it could have been solved by communication. Didn’t they make a vow to that effect a while ago?

#5: Jealous Guy
The Ted/Kyle rivalry over Brad (such as it is) comes to a boil. Entertaining, but it suffers from a lack of build-up, which we’re left to assume happened off screen. Brad got a badass moment, which was awesome.

#4: War
An over-the-top episode but funny in a ridiculous kind of way. As a series finale, though, it wasn’t that good.

#3: Crush
A cute episode about Buddy having a crush on Melody, but it seems weird that they waited until near the end of the series to do it.

#2: Low Budget Brad
A great episode, but it came too late, and it feels weird because of it.

#1: Miss Tucson
The best episode of the season. Brad really gets to shine.

The Characters

Mr. Ernst appeared in all 13 episodes. His crazy schemes continued to be downplayed this season (“Crush” being an exception). He had a lot to do, even though his involvement varied by episode. He faced his mortality in “Rest in Pieces“. He revisited a painful moment from his past in “Baby“. He lost his memory at a crucial moment and relived his youth in “Amnesia“. His past was explored in “Jake’s Fight“. Overall, this was a good season for Mr. Ernst – and an improvement over last season.

Brad appeared in all 13 episodes. She had a lot to do. She competed against Melody to make a point in “Miss Tucson“. She came up with the prank in “Incredible Shrinking Ted“. She explored motherhood in “Baby“. She was the focus of the Ted/Kyle feud and dealt with a bad romance in “Jealous Guy“. She accused and distrusted Ted (unjustly) in “Presumed Stupid“. She dealt with a major lifestyle change in “Low Budget Brad“. She went out with Kyle but degraded herself with Ted in “Double Date” (her worst moment of the season; yes, worse than “Presumed Stupid”). She competed against Ted in “War“. Overall, this season had more bad for Brad than season 4 did, but it also had a lot more good. Season 5 could be called “the Brad season”.

Kyle appeared in 6 of the episodes – just under half. He supported Brad and was on friendly terms with both her and Ted in “Miss Tucson“. His rivalry with Ted (such as it is) reached boiling point in “Jealous Guy“. He was useless in “Low Budget Brad“. He gave bad advice to Jake in “Jake’s Fight“. He went out with Brad in “Double Date” and actually seemed to be the most reasonable of the bunch. He was on Brad’s team in “War“. Overall, I guess you could say this was Kyle’s best season, but that’s not saying much.

Jake appeared in all 13 episodes. He had a lot to do. He supported Melody in “Miss Tucson“. He was central to the deception in “The Legend of Jed“. He faced a bully in “Jake’s Fight“. Overall, this season was better for Jake than last season.

As before, the season’s least valuable player has to be Lucy. She appeared in 4 of the episodes and was mentioned in 1 other, which is worse than last season. She set the teens straight (after inadvertently causing the problem) in “Rest in Pieces“. She gave Melody obvious advice (which Melody had already considered) in “Crush“. She fixed the loudspeaker and congratulated Jake in “Jake’s Fight“. She went to a rodeo with the teens in “Double Date“. This is the worst season for Lucy in terms of actually mattering.

Ted appeared in all 13 episodes, the first time that he’d done so since season 2. He had a lot to do. He supported Brad in “Miss Tucson“. He thought he was shrinking in “Incredible Shrinking Ted“. He explored fatherhood in “Baby“. He fought with – and helped – Kyle in “Jealous Guy“. He was the focus of suspicion and distrust in “Presumed Stupid“. He tried to help Brad in “Low Budget Brad“. He was a dick by using Melody in “Double Date” (definitely his worst moment this season). He was comedically obsessive but also resolute in “War“. Overall, a good season for Ted.

Melody appeared in all 13 episodes. She had a lot to do. Her insecurities were explored in “Miss Tucson“. She instigated the cover-up in “The Legend of Jed“. She had a hilarious turn as a mean girl in “Rest in Pieces“. She was the focus of unwanted attention in “Crush“. She had a heart-to-heart with Brad in “Low Budget Brad“. She took a psychotic turn in “Jake’s Fight“. She was used by Ted but managed to get back at him in “Double Date“. She was taken “prisoner” in “War“. Compared to last season, season 5 was a step up for Melody.

Danny appeared in all 13 episodes, but none of them focused on him. He was there and did stuff, but he was just along for the ride. I suppose he had the most to do in “War“, or at least it was the most memorable. Overall, this season was a step down for Danny compared to last season.

Buddy appeared in all 13 episodes. His involvement varied by episode. One of them was nothing more than a silent cameo. He fought for his dad’s life (or so he thought) in “Rest in Pieces“. His relationship with his father was further explored in “Amnesia“. He experienced funny feelings in his private area in “Crush“. He was a spy and double agent in “War“. Overall, this season was better for Buddy than last season.

Videos

A few videos to tide you over:

Here’s “the entire Nickelodeon afternoon experience from start till end” (from autumn of 1993, around 1-2 years after my first time watching the series) – basically a collection of commercials and bumpers from the “No More Mr. Nice Guy” episode:

Here’s the second and final outtakes video, courtesy of Geoffrey Darby:

Here’s a parody “tribute” video (that somehow manages to insult the series). According to a post on IMDb, it was shot on the Backbone Trail in the Santa Monica Mountains, just north of Malibu, California:

Here’s a fan-made Brad/Ted music video (featuring “The Boys of Summer” by Don Henley).

Here’s a 2014 tour of the abandoned set, which is still standing – and wasting away – to this day:

Here’s the full reunion on HuffPost from May 7, 2014. The YouTube video that I’d linked to earlier was a highly edited version.

That’s it for season 5. You’re probably expecting the series review next Wednesday, but you’d be wrong. I have one more story to review.

Bet you didn’t see that coming.

Tune in next Wednesday (and I mean it this time)!

Season 5, Episode 13: War

Here we are: the final episode of “Hey Dude”. When I first started this blog, I had doubts about being able to finish it. It had taken me almost six years to review 34 episodes and 26 comic stories of “Captain N: The Game Master” – on my own Captain N site. It had taken me nearly six months to review the 13-episode “The Legend of Zelda” animated series. I managed to review two episodes of “Neon Genesis Evangelion” before losing interest. What I’m getting at is I didn’t exactly have a good track record with reviewing stuff. I decided to take on the challenge of reviewing “Hey Dude” for two reasons: 1) to get in on the Reviewed blog trend and 2) to revisit a favorite series from childhood. Now, that journey is nearly at an end, and I can truthfully say I’ve kept to a weekly schedule. Only three episode review releases were delayed to Thursday: “Dueling Ranches” (season 3, episode 07). “Secret Admirer” (season 4, episode 06), and “Mr. Moneybags” (season 4, episode 12).

Let’s check in with the gang one more time and see what they’re up to.

Writer: Graham Yost
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: August 30, 1991

A couple notes about the episode before the review:

This episode has a 1991 copyright.

This episode runs the “standard” running time (25:21).

In the cold open, Mr. Ernst is sleepwalking.

Buddy, Jake, and Melody follow him into the main lodge.

Jake teaches us the word “somnambulist“, which Buddy takes to be some kind of horrible insult. Cute.

Melody tries to keep Mr. Ernst from bumping into things.

Melody insists they gotta stop him. Buddy, grabbing the money, asks “What’s the rush?!” Melody admonishes him and, via a sound effect that’s placed a bit too early, rings the bell on the desk. This wakes up Mr. Ernst. He’s confused, and the second thing that he sees is this:

Buddy tosses the money and runs upstairs, leaving his dad more confused.

After the credits, at breakfast in the following morning, Jake informs Kyle of what happened. Apparently, Mr. Ernst careened off the wall in the lodge, which I guess is something that he did before initially leaving the lodge, since we didn’t see it. Either that, or Jake’s exaggerating.

The girls arrives. Danny hears bells.

Jake points and excitedly exclaims Santa’s here. Melody informs him that it’s just Mr. Ernst wearing a bell. Mr. Ernst comes over and mentions his “somnambulistic escapades”. Kyle is confused, because all that he heard about was the sleepwalking.

Hehehehe.

Melody asks Mr. Ernst how he’s feeling. He’s fine except for a knuckle burn (from bumping into a wall). Danny asks about the box of bells.

Mr. Ernst brought bells for everyone to ring if they think he’s sleepwalking, because it seems to be the only thing that wakes him up. He wants them to make sure that “each member of the staff” has one of these.

Ted comes by with a box containing pieces of red and blue paper and…

…the Smelt Trophy!

The what, you ask? Why, only the most coveted never-before-mentioned object among the three longest-serving teen staff members! As Ted explains, it’s named after the previous owner of the Bar None, Mr. Smelt. Wow, they actually established the previous owner’s last name. On the trophy is written: “The Smelt Trophy – awarded annually to the Bar None Champion Capture the Flag Team”. Last year’s winner is also written on the trophy: the Red Team.

Danny and Melody go into a little cheer: “We are the Red Team!”

“They are the dead team!”

Ted explains they play a version where each team hides their flag sometime after dark, and they have until dawn to find the other team’s flag and hoist it up the flagpole. Brad would rather sleep than stay up all night.

Melody is really into it, though (especially the spy aspect), and tries to talk Brad into it. Brad wishes there was more at stake. Ted explains it’s “an old Bar None tradition” that the captain of the winning team becomes senior staff. That’s how he got the job. Brad had figured his parents bribed Mr. Ernst. Okay, so Ted is still “senior staff” (whatever that means), even though he had gone away and come back? Okay, whatever.

Mr. Ernst is pissed, because they failed his “test” (pretending to sleepwalk) by not ringing their bells. He tells them to stay alert. This is hardly authoritative, though, considering, foolish though it had made him seem, he had taken off his own bell. Brad asks Mr. Ernst why he made Ted senior staff. Mr. Ernst explains Mr. Smelt had recommended him for the job, saying Ted was a good, hard worker, and Mr. Ernst had believed him. After Brad presses the issue, Mr. Ernst remembers the “Capture the Flag” thing. He tells the teens to use their bells and leaves.

Brad’s in and asks when they start. Ted says they gotta pick teams and wants to break up “the old team”, because “it wouldn’t be fair” to Brad, Jake, and Kyle. Brad takes issue with this. Melody says they’ve played together and know the game. Danny adds they’re “a lean, mean flag-capturing machine”. Okay. Ted adds it’d be a “massacre” and had brought the paper, so they can choose teams fairly. Brad’s insulted and basically declares it’s the old versus the new. Ted agrees. The Blue Team does an impromptu cheer, which is just chanting “Blue!” repeatedly.

Oh, good, the scene’s over. Okay.

WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING ASSSHIT IS THIS FUCKNESS?!?!?!?!

The writer of this episode (a writer for this series since season 1, mind you) is very clearly saying the entire series occurs during one summer (there’s no other way that Brad could not have known about the game, setting aside the question of where the trophy’s been this whole time). This is, of course, completely fucking impossible. It’s not just the fact that Brad remembers returning guests. It’s not just the fact that Buddy was 11 and then 13. It’s the fact that most episodes occur over multiple days. If each episode occurred over the course of one day (and avoided making problematic references), then, yes, you could fit 65 episodes into a single 90-day summer – with room to spare. However, one summer simply cannot hold all of the episodes as written and taped. I can’t believe they managed to rape the entire timeline in the final episode. For it to make any kind of sense, you have to do some serious rearranging of episodes. For starters, you have to put all of the key episodes (including this one) in the first summer (this also allows for the “fighting for senior staff” aspect of the episode to make sense, since there are plenty of episodes still to come). Then you have to spread the rest of the episodes out across the entire following summer (at minimum). Goddess, I’m getting a headache.

Later, the Red Team runs down to the dock, and Melody and Danny mock-salute Ted. Ted came up with a design for this year’s flag and, naturally, gives the other a bunch of sheets of paper, even though the design is presumably on just the top sheet.

Danny and Melody are pissed, because Ted drew “Timmy the Magic Shrimp in the clutches of the evil Lobster King”. Danny quits in protest. Melody follows suit. Ted’s like “What the fuck, assholes? That’s a motherfucking eagle clutching a lightning bolt like a fucking badass.” He also gets Timmy’s title wrong.

Danny corrects him. Ted asks what the big deal is. Danny will fix the flag design and brings up the show. Melody gets excited, because it was her favorite, airing on Saturday mornings at 9:00 AM (Danny silently agrees, which makes no fucking sense, because they’re from different time zones). Melody gets Danny to sing the theme song with her:

“Isn’t he just the cutest little imp? He’s Timmy!”

Ted turns their focus back toward the “mission”:

His “training program” was adapted from the Navy SEALs manual, including swimming a quarter-mile underwater with twenty-pound weights tied to their feet and jumping blindfolded off the bell tower. Melody says Ted’s gotten worse from last year. They argue over it. Melody says they’re playing Capture the Flag tonight, “not invading Sicily“. What an odd, outdated reference. Wouldn’t comparing it to invading Iraq be more current?

Danny says he wants to join the Blue Team.

Brad is leading her team in thrilling exercises, such as “turn the other cheek”.

This is followed by the Blue Team’s cheer.

For some reason, Buddy’s playing, even though he isn’t an employee.

When Brad sees “the evil Red Team” approach, she leads her team in making finger crosses against them. What’s with Brad’s Christian references suddenly? I mean, yeah, they’re flippant, but it still seems kind of odd.

Ted accuses them of spying, but Brad says they’re training and proceeds to lead her team in finger lifts. Ted says they’re “gonna lose big time”. Brad says they’ve “got a little something up [their] sleeve, so, even if [they] lose, [they] win”.

Melody gets Ted’s attention, but I can’t hear what she’s saying, and I don’t know why she’s doing it. It doesn’t go anywhere.

Anyway, Kyle, dumbass that he is, is about to spill the secret, but Brad and Jake shush him.

Ted says he’s “got a little something up [his] sleeve, too”. Danny insults Ted, which gets a laugh from the Blue Team. Ted informs Danny that he’s changed; he never used to be this mean. Danny blames Melody for being a “bad influence”. Melody hits Danny.

The Red Team starts to leave. Melody asks Ted what he meant. Ted says they have a “friend” on the Blue Team. Melody gets excited about the spy aspect, but Ted shushes her. Danny wants to know who it is. Ted says not here and has them follow him.

“Isn’t he just the cutest little imp? He’s Timmy! Oh, yes, he’s Timmy! Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Tim the Maaagic Shriiimp!”

As the scene changes, you can hear Danny (I think) says “Hi, folks! I’m Timmy!”

At twilight, Mr. Ernst lowers the American flag in what we’re meant to assume is a daily ritual, despite never seeing it before. Why not just leave it up? It’s not like the teens couldn’t lower it when they play their game. Besides, what about the Arizona state flag that we also see on the flagpole in multiple episodes?

The gang comes by as Mr. Ernst folds the flag. When he finds out that they’re gonna play Capture the Flag, he’s concerned about them doing it at night in the dark and puts an end to their plans. They protest. He cites the danger of getting hurt and the effect on his insurance rates, which is a perfectly reasonable explanation. They continue protesting. He suggests playing tomorrow, when it’s light out. They protest again. Mr. Ernst apologizes but forbids them playing Capture the Flag. As he walks away, Brad whines about it.

Ted says the Blue Team is lucky, because they would have “lost bad”. Brad claims her team would have “creamed” the Red Team. Ted theorizes the Blue Team put Mr. Ernst up to cancelling the game. Despite the absurdity of this, Melody seems to agree with him. Brad disputes it and claims they would have beaten the Red Team even though their flag would have been “right under [their] nose the whole time”. Ted claims the Blue Team would have been able to see their flag but not do anything about it. Brad is still confident.

Ted proposes they play and thinks Brad is chicken. Brad agrees to play – for senior staff. Ted is unsure, so Brad accuses him of being chicken. Ted agrees to Brad’s terms.

The Blue Team walks away, doing their lame cheer, and Ted engages in some tough trash talk. Melody tells him to calm the fuck down.

Ted declares this is war.

After the commercial break (which comes very early in this episode),…for fuck’s sake, not this again.

Oh, well, at least Melody isn’t into it. She complains about the cold. Danny and Melody are bored and “couldn’t care less about” who becomes senior staff. Melody adds it’s not fun anymore.

Continuing a proud tradition on this series, Danny checks his non-existent watch (on both wrists!) before announcing dawn is about a half-hour from now and threatening to go to bed if they don’t try to get the Blue Team’s flag. Melody tiredly agrees. Ted says he “just made contact” with their spy, who informed him that the Blue Team’s flag is hidden in the girls’ bunk house under Brad’s pillow. Melody wants to know who the spy is, but this is a “need-to-know” operation. Melody wants to throw Ted in the lake. Ted explains the plan, but Melody deserts when she learns it involves her repelling off the roof. As Melody heads to the “hay shed” (it’s “hay shack”) for some sleep and sarcastically asks if she could get shot, Ted yells after her. Danny, for a reason that even he doesn’t know, is still with Ted. Ted modifies the plan.

In the girls’ bunk house, STOP IT! I swear Brad is just as obsessive as Ted.

Anyway, Buddy brings back some useless recon photos that he took from the bell tower.

This temporarily cost him his vision.

Neither team has been able to find the other’s flag yet, and Brad brainstorms.

Kyle and Jake come in with a “prisoner of war”.

To make her talk, they “torture” Melody with one of Mr. Ernst’s cassette tapes, featuring “Dave, master of the nose flute”.

More annoyed then anything, Melody reveals the location of the Red Team’s flag: in the lodge, above the fireplace, booby-trapped with alarms to wake up Mr. Ernst. Brad isn’t discouraged, though.

Okay, moving right along…

After going over the plan and some banter (during which there seems to be someone asking “Whaaat?”, but it doesn’t sound like Ted or Danny), they hear Brad insulting Ted. Ted’s ticked, and Danny gets in a small dig at him.

They launch their assault on the girls’ bunk house (I’m beginning to think this episode is ridiculous), Danny giving a stereotypical Native American war cry. The series does this shit every so often.

Dumbasses.

I’m pretty sure that this is highly illegal, and the entire motherfucking Blue Team would be arrested in real life.

Ted wonders where Brad is, and Melody reveals he fell for a recording (which actually very obviously sounded like a recording from outside).

Ted finds a note under Brad’s pillow: “Dear Former Senior Staff, Better luck next time. Your friends, The Blue Team”

Ted is pissed and plans to murder “Buddy, the weasel” (their spy). Ted calls him a “stinkin’ double agent”, but being a spy meant being a double agent; Buddy was actually loyal to his team.

Anyway, Melody hits Ted in frustration.

That doesn’t look anything like what Danny or Ted described. Jake still “recognizes” it as Timmy the Magic Shrimp, though, so I guess Danny did a total redesign. Jake loves the show, and Kyle agrees.

Note what seems to be a boom mic.

Kyle, dumbass that he is, rings the bells out of curiosity. Brad admonishes him.

After some arguing and banter (Jake and Kyle get a funny moment in, and Brad gets a cute moment in), Brad launches Buddy toward his death the flag.

Three failed attempts and some banter later, Mr. Ernst sleepwalks downstairs.

Mr. Ernst walks repeatedly into his office door. The others want to just leave him and go for the flag, but Brad proves, one more time, how much that she cares for her boss by going over and turning him.

They fuck around for a bit with that, leaving Buddy in a precarious situation:

After Brad breathes a sigh of relief, dumbass Buddy takes out his bell and drops it, just because Jake happened to mention Mr. Ernst not wearing his bells – as a good thing. Seriously, how fucking stupid is Buddy?

Naturally, this wakes Mr. Ernst up, and he’s confused over what he sees:

Brad is so fucking adorable.

Mr. Ernst demands to know what the fuck is going on. Jake, the resident specialist in psychology, tells Mr. Ernst that he’s dreaming (which seems to make Brad a bit more nervous). Mr. Ernst disputes it.

Jake lists the “evidence”. By the way, I don’t know if it’s merely a nervous habit of Brad’s or Kelly Brown’s, but she seems to cross her legs while standing when she gets nervous – at least in this episode.

Mr. Ernst buys it (somehow).

Jake has Brad lead their “little dream warrior” upstairs. Brad does this trippy, “dreamlike” walk toward Mr. Ernst to aid in the deception.

By the way, this is the third reference to the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise in this series. Add in the reference to the “Halloween” franchise and various other horror films, and you could say it’s a “Hey Dude” tradition – much like pillow fights, hitting, eye-rolling, getting wet, and checking the time on non-existent watches.

Mr. Ernst pauses and asks Jake what the dream means, but Jake doesn’t even wanna guess.

Brad leads Mr. Ernst to the second set of stairs and lets him go the rest of the way himself (there’s a limit to her caring).

They have two minutes to get the flag, get it up the flagpole, and win the game. Buddy is reluctantly ready for another go, but Jake and Kyle go into the stupid “Blue!” cheer and lose control of the rope, sending Buddy to his doom.

This alerts the Red Team, so they brainstorm.

This leads to Melody and Danny stripping Ted – and tickling him. Somehow, they correctly guessed the flag was inside Ted’s jacket. Danny guesses Brad must have “snuck” (not a word) in earlier and hidden it. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?! There’s no way that Ted wouldn’t have noticed – or felt – the flag.

Anyway, there’s just one problem:

The “dork” defies Brad’s expectations by vowing to fly the flag. This excites Melody and Danny.

It’s a real nail-biter of a race as the two teams race toward the flagpole with less than a minute to go.

Ted and Brad collide and knock each other unconscious! What now?!

Oh, following Melody’s orders, Danny and Kyle “cover” them with the flags. That makes sense.

Mr. Ernst arrives, having fully woken up, gotten dressed, and walked outside in a little over two minutes.

Following Jake’s lead (though it was likely her idea in the first place), Melody lies her ass off about all of them sleeping outside last night under the stars. “Brad and Ted just haven’t woken up yet.” Riiight, and how is she going to explain herself if they end up being dead?

Mr. Ernst buys it, despite the fact that Ted and Brad, the loudest protesters of the cancellation of the Capture the Flag game, are “sleeping” by the flagpole with flags on top of themselves.

Mr. Ernst asks for a volunteer to raise the American flag up the flagpole, and Kyle volunteers.

Melody asks Mr. Ernst how he slept last night, and he says wonderful – except for “this very strange dream” that he had “just before” he woke up. See? It really was just over two minutes. Anyway, he proceeds to relate details of the “dream” until…

Buddy passes it off as the “latest style”, which Mr. Ernst accepts as proof of “getting old”. He tells Melody that he’s just glad that he “didn’t have another sleepwalking episode”, and I’m sure that she’s happy to let him believe that.

As Mr. Ernst looks up at the American flag, he says “Ah, and so begins another glorious day at the Bar None Ranch. You know, kids, I sure am glad I – I came here.”

So am I.

The teens agree.

Mr. Ernst asks them to wake up Ted and Brad before any guests see them and tells Danny to wash his face.

After Mr. Ernst leaves, the others help (a suddenly conscious) Ted and Brad to their feet.

As they walk away, each of them claim victory.

The pre-credits scene at the end, later that day, has Ted and Brad returning from a visit to the doctor, who couldn’t find any sign of concussion. They’re all clear. Danny insults Ted. Brad points out that Danny’s changed and gotten meaner, which Ted, of course, immediately agrees with, and so does Melody. Jake basically says they all engaged in “brainless behavior” last night. Buddy has red welts from the mouse traps. Brad and Ted admit they got “a little carried away”.

Danny had the trophy engraved while Ted and Brad were seeing the doctor: “The Purple Team” (combination of red and blue and also the color of their bruises).

Kyle asks what Ted and Brad decided about senior staff. Since it was a tie, Ted wants to keep it. Brad wants them to share it, and they argue about it. Melody interrupts the argument, leaving this particular plot point unresolved. Cliffhanger! Seriously, though, how could Brad make a case to Mr. Ernst for being made senior staff, considering it was the result of a game that he had forbidden? Also, we never learned just what being senior staff means – except more money.

Anyway, Melody thinks Mr. Ernst is sleepwalking, and she and the others call, run toward him, and ring their bells.

Nah, he’s just cleaning his hands or something.

The teen mob scares him, and…

I guess this kinda-sorta brings things “full circle”, because he had (partially) fallen into a trough in the series premiere:

Jake gets the last clear line of the series: “It’s just a dream!” This is followed by something that I can’t understand. Mr. Ernst doesn’t speak in the final scene, but I think he lets out a yell as he falls back into the trough right before the credits, technically getting the last “word”.

And that’s all.

As a normal episode, this episode was pretty good. It was funny and entertaining, albeit absurd and manic, which has certainly happened before. As a series finale, though, well, it really wasn’t (and I honestly don’t know if it was taped last or not). It’s just another day at the ranch. There’s no sense of closure. No going home for the fall. About the only thing in this episode that brings the series full circle (aside from revisiting the Ted/Danny dynamic and bringing together all of the ingredients for a good Melody sandwich) is Mr. Ernst’s little speech toward the end.

It’s nice that everybody got to participate, though. Yep. Absolutely everybody. They didn’t leave anybody out at all………………………

Fuck, they forgot to include Lucy!

LUCY MISSED THE SERIES FINALE! WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?!

And…I guess that’s all that I have to say about this episode.

Tune in next Wednesday for the review of season 5.

Season 5, Episode 12: Double Date

Writer: Stephen Land
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: August 23, 1991

A few notes before I get into the actual episode:

This episode has a 1991 copyright.

This episode runs one minute shorter than the “standard” running time (24:21 versus 25:21). I’m not sure why it’s shorter, but it makes it closer to the running time of an early episode.

The writer of this episode, Stephen Land, was a producer on this series (his first work), credited here as “senior producer”. Indeed, he has been an “executive producer” on a shit-ton of stuff over the years, continuing to the present day. However, this particular episode was the only thing that he ever wrote (that made it to the screen, anyway), and dear Goddess does it show. But we’ll get to that.

In the cold open, Melody and Buddy come over and find Jake “advertising” his new services on the windmill. Apparently, people are “always” asking Jake questions (Melody and Buddy are unaware of this), so he’s decided to profit off it. People are gonna have to pay up for his “pearls of wisdom” (he gives $5 as a price, but it’s unclear if this is his universal price). So I guess Jake is the new Answer Man. After some banter, Melody reveals she met a cute guy and wants to know if anything will happen (translation: she craves cock). Jake claims he’s psychic. Melody immediately calls him out on his bullshit. Jake tells both of them to think of something without telling him what it is. They agree. Jake correctly guesses Melody’s guy is blonde, he works at “The Pork Rind Hut” at the mall, and his name is Dirk. Melody is excited (she should be scared, because it proves Jake was watching her at the mall), but Jake tells her to forget about him, because he escaped from jail last week. Jake correctly guesses Buddy was hoping Jake would answer his question that they were bantering about earlier. Jake proclaims he’s psychic and can see the future:

Ha.

Jake claims he knew this would happen. Suuure.

After the credits, Lucy, Kyle, Brad, and Ted return from a rodeo.

Mr. Ernst, Melody, and Danny excitedly come out. Mr. Ernst asks how it went, and Danny asks who won.

Lucy says it was “a proud night for the Bar None”, because they’ve got two champions. Kyle licks Brad to orgasm, and Lucy and Brad suck Kyle’s cock. All of this orgasmic bliss sickens Ted, who goes off to hurl. Melody is concerned. Lucy and Kyle explain Ted’s saddle came loose, and he fell into a big pile of shit – in front of all of the girls from the Double O (I think) Ranch.

Melody asks Brad about the cute guys from the “Pantano Academy”. There’s an East Tucson Charter School Campus of Tucson International Academy. It’s located at 450 North Pantano Road. It’s a K-12 school. I guess Melody’s familiar with them. Anyway, Melody’s upset that Brad got gangbanged while Melody was cleaning bathrooms and also gets jelly and/or sick of Brad’s luxe life.

Mr. Ernst tries to make him, Buddy, and Melody playing Old Maid sound like a win over Brad’s riding win and orgy, which doesn’t help matters.

Mr. Ernst wants to whip up a batch of his tuna and marshmallow s’mores (we now know where Buddy gets his unusual tastes from), which no one else wants. Lucy says they all ate at the rodeo, and Melody says she’s on “that all-lemonade diet”. Kyle wants to go and get his new CD player (he has to show up Ted, I guess), and they all start to run away, but Mr. Ernst suddenly thinks to show them slides (more than three trays’ worth) from his accounting class 15-year reunion. He says the Beaver was there, and he had snappy comebacks and balanced cheese doodles on his nose. The others quickly leave.

Before we move on to the next scene, let’s look at some clues in this scene that Mr. Senior Producer doesn’t know shit about the characters:

1) Brad is now excitedly participating in rodeos alongside Kyle, whereas she had been staunchly opposed to rodeos when Kyle was first introduced.

2) Kyle compliments Brad on her riding.

The next day (I guess), Jake is handing out fliers for his business, because Mr. Ernst made him take down his sign.

Ted comes by and learns about Jake’s new business. Not wanting Jake to think he needs advice about girls, Ted (very poorly) bullshits a story about his “friend”. His “Asian pen pal” (“Ted-wusaki” of Tokyo) likes a girl (“Brad-wong”), and everything’s going great until a new guy (“Kyle-chang”) comes to work with them. Everything changes. Brad-wong and Kyle-chang start hanging out, doing things together, and “flirting every second”. Jake guesses Ted’s “friend” wants to get back in control. Ted confirms. Jake quotes Tennyson and “Absence makes the heart grow fonder“, which irritates Ted and makes me wonder how Jake can get away with charging people for this bullshit. Jake finally suggests using jealousy. Ted thanks Jake and stiffs him on the bill.

Before we move on to the next scene, let’s look at more clues that the wannabe writer has no fucking clue about the characters:

3) When have Brad and Kyle done anything together when they weren’t both assigned to it?

4) When have Brad and Kyle ever flirted, much less “every second”?

Later, Melody is cleaning out the “toxic waste fill”. Ted comes by. Melody informs him that they (she and Brad, I guess) found half of a pizza that Ted left in here last summer. Ted lets her keep it, and she sarcastically thanks him. This indicates the girls are massive slobs (just like the guys), because they haven’t cleaned their bunk house since last summer!

Melody informs Ted that Brad is in the lodge on phone duty. Ted actually came to see her. She says she hasn’t cashed her check yet and doesn’t even have any money for herself.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Ted brought Melody a gift: the new CD by the Fine Young Cannibals, a band that Melody really likes. The band has released only two studio albums, the second of which was released in the U.S. over two years before this episode aired. A remix album had been released in late 1990, containing only two non-album tracks (interestingly, one of the remixers shares my name). A compilation album was released in late 1996, which is still a bit too old (even by my timeline for the series) to be considered a new album. Nice job, writer.

Anyway, Melody thinks it’s a joke and threatens to murder Ted if she’s on “one of those funny home video shows“. Ted acts all innocent. Melody points out that her birthday is not until July, and…what?!?!?! This does not work for two reasons:

1) It’s a fucking lie. Melody’s birthday is in September.

2) It places this episode in June. JUNE! That does not fucking work at all! You do recall the Christmas in July party from season 4 and the August 14 date from five weeks ago, right?

We could shift the 1991-taped episodes into the following summer (1998 according to my timeline), which would make the teens legal adults, and that’d be fine. It still doesn’t fix Melody’s birthday statement, though. Clue #5 that the writer doesn’t know the characters. It’s as if this entire episode takes place in an alternate universe.

Anyway, Melody guesses Ted wants her to clean his socks “again”, but Ted assures her that he has money and clean laundry. We learn Ted and Melody have known each other “for a long time”. Ted eventually gets around to asking Melody out on a date on Saturday night. Melody finds it “really weird” and accuses Ted of doing this to make Brad jealous. Ted denies it and says he and Brad are “through”. Melody admits she likes Ted “a lot” but “never really thought about” going out with him. She claims Ted and Brad were always “the thing”.

Melody is unsure. Ted suggests a movie or dinner. He’ll even pay (for dinner; he doesn’t commit to paying for the movie). Melody wants to see “that new scary movie about those miniature lizard people who attack that cute college basketball team”. Y’know, that sounds like something that Buddy would enjoy. Why’d you let him dump you, Melody?

Ted claims he wants to see the movie, too. Melody wants him to promise this has nothing to do with Brad. Ted claims Brad and Kyle can “live happily ever after”. Melody agrees to the date on Saturday night. Ted leaves. Melody sniffs the pizza box and takes it outside.

Brad comes by with a flower box and tells Melody of her intention to murder Kyle. We learn Kyle’s last name is Chandler. Nothing like waiting until the next-to-last episode to establish a main character’s surname. Well, at least they’ve established it, unlike some other series.

Anyway, Brad explains she just got her pictures back from the rodeo, and Kyle took it upon himself to draw ugly faces on all of the pictures of guys (except for his) while she was helping some guests in the lodge. Brad calls Kyle immature and believes he’s possibly worse than Ted. Melody guesses it’s because Kyle likes Brad a lot and doesn’t know how to act around her. We learn Kyle drew diapers and a pacifier on Ted’s picture. Melody guesses Kyle doesn’t really know how Brad feels about Ted anymore, and she thinks “a lot of people are wondering about that right now”. Is the episode going meta? I bet, in 1991, there were viewers that wondered about Brad/Ted, too, particularly since it had been six weeks since he had pursued her. Brad seems to think of Ted as a friend but doesn’t want a serious boyfriend right now – “at least not until college”. *stares at episode* You gonna behave? Not gonna rape the timeline? Anyway, I suppose this could be the summer between graduating high school and starting college. Still doesn’t explain Melody’s birthday, though, and, yes, it still pisses me off.

Brad admits she just wants to have fun and lots of friends. Melody then takes a roundabout approach of trying to gauge Brad’s feelings of Ted dating someone else. Brad doesn’t care and adds Kyle asked her to a movie (which I guess she’s going with him to, despite currently wanting him dead). Melody wastes some more of the running time until finally admitting Ted asked her out, which Brad doesn’t believe and then tries to talk Melody out of. Melody goes off on Brad for guessing Ted’s trying to make Brad jealous, even though Melody had thought the exact same fucking thing. This makes Melody want to go out with Ted more than anything else. They argue about it a bit more, and Melody claims Brad is, “one by one”, “claiming them all”. Clue #6 that the writer doesn’t know shit about the characters. Brad hardly ever dates. When she does date, it always ends badly. When she wants to date, it might not even happen. How does that amount to Brad “claiming them all”?

Melody adds she’s no longer going to cover Brad’s chores, so Brad can practice riding. Brad tells Melody to go out with Ted. Melody is “glad” that she has Brad’s “blessing”. Brad suggests Melody go out with Ted on Saturday night, the same night that Brad’s going out with Kyle. Melody suggests making it a double date. Brad agrees and…

Yeah, really fucking mature.

Brad goes into the girl’s bunk house, and Melody immediately regrets suggesting a double date.

After the commercial break, on Saturday night, Kyle drives the Jeep over to the girls’ bunk house, checks his hair, picks up Brad, and gives her “a little something”.

Ted’s not to be outdone, of course. He even rags on Kyle about the “weeds”. Even the girls get into it over the size of their bouquets.

After more arguing (including where to go), Kyle mentions he has money, so Ted mentions he’s “loaded” and asks Melody to carry his wallet. Ted wants to drive, but Kyle points out that Mr. Ernst gave him the keys.

Brad’s having second thoughts, but Melody’s looking forward to it. The girls go off on their double date with their bouquets instead of putting them in water.

They end up going to Golf-n-Stuff (a.k.a. Golf N’ Stuff) in Tucson. This marks the first and last time in the series that part of an episode was taped “in town”, the second and last time that the characters were seen “in town” (I have a feeling that the restaurant scenes were taped at the Tanque Verde Guest Ranch), and the third and last time that the characters were in a populated area other than the Bar None (I’m counting T.R.O.T.).

Going here was Ted’s idea, and Melody compliments him on it. Ted reminds her that they get an employee discount, and what in the goddamn fuck? How could such a stupid line be written, story-edited, rehearsed, and taped without anyone noticing the inherent stupidity of it?

Anyway, Brad takes notice of Ted’s money-saving ways, and Ted tries to brush it off.

Kyle asks for the score.

Brad expresses confusion, and Kyle catches on to the fact that Ted’s been altering the scores. Ted admits to it, and they argue over technicalities.

Brad is up, and Ted does this thing where he suddenly moves sideways. It goes unaddressed, but I’m wondering if he was trying to scare her and ruin her shot.

Kyle gives Brad some advice, so Ted goes for the hands-on approach:

This annoys their respective dates.

Brad also gets sick of it and whacks Ted with her golf club.

Ted and Brad argue. Melody expresses concern for Ted. Brad hits her ball, which hits someone (uncredited) off screen. Ted and Brad continue arguing. Ted insists he’s always bailing her out. Brad disputes that and adds knowing Ted “has been one unending string of disasters”. Brad references the events of “Ted and Brad Get Handcuffed” (season 1, episode 10). Kyle laughs, and Melody playfully hits him. Kyle expresses surprise at the incident. He hasn’t been told about the infamous handcuffing incident yet, but he’s been told about the “mob guy” incident?

Brad and Ted continue arguing about the handcuffing incident as Ted tries to take his shot. You know what that means!

Leg cramp!

Arm spasm!

After some back-and-forth of this, Kyle and Melody break it up. Melody suggests going to the movies, so they don’t have to talk. Kyle actually hopes they won’t be charged for playing (they haven’t paid yet). Ted takes issue with this, because he’s “in the lead”. Ted takes his shot:

Ted is victorious.

However, Kyle has a mischievous smile as he writes down the score. Don’t worry, though, it’s never brought up.

Later, they’re discussing their music tastes. Ted hates classical music and is a “rock and roll” guy. Brad (a Bon Jovi and Phil Collins fan and a blaster of loud rock muzak) disses rock as being for people six and under. Melody interjects she likes both classical and rock (she doesn’t mention her love of rap), but they don’t pay her any mind, because this is a Ted/Brad argument.

Ted says Brad is too old and makes a reference to “21 Jump Street“. Melody interjects she loves that show (translation: “We have so much in common, Ted! Please pay attention to me! I might reward you with a blowjob later!”), but Ted ignores her and asks for Brad’s age (he doesn’t know by now?), which she refuses to give. Kyle asks for the score, and Melody’s wondering about it, too.

Ted starts tickling Brad. After learning Kyle’s in the lead, Ted wants to “see” the score card. Melody holds onto the card, and Kyle thanks her. Ted and Brad would rather stand and argue than move on to the next hole. We learn, where Ted grew up, they played in the street. Ted and Brad completely ignore Melody and Kyle in favor of arguing. Ted gets in a funny, stereotypical, East Coast, upper-crust impression.

Kyle hates watching them fight, but Melody corrects him that it’s what Ted and Brad do instead of flirting. She guesses Ted is about to drive his club into Brad’s holes and informs Kyle that the two of them are being used. Melody wants to get even.

Ted and Brad are too busy arguing – and playing “What’s that on your shirt?” – to notice Melody and Kyle abandoning them without money or a ride home.

But it doesn’t stop there! Brad successfully counters with “Your shoelaces are untied” to tie the game!

Ted and Brad agree they’re equally clumsy and only then realize they’ve been abandoned. They blame each other, and then Brad suggests going to the manager and explaining the situation.

Ha. Well, at least the manager (or whoever) will drive them home when they’re done. Brad hits Ted and blames him. Ted blames Brad.

Water fight!

The (uncredited) manager (or whoever) yells from off screen for them to knock that shit off.

Brad says they both look “like a couple of idiots” and “really screwed up this time”, hurting two of their best friends. Ted doesn’t blame them for leaving. Brad is not looking forward to the “serious groveling” that they’re gonna have to do when they get back. Ted wonders why they fight so much. Brad doesn’t know, but it doesn’t really feel like fighting to her, and Ted agrees. Brad says she has to hit Ted or…do something else to him (which she stops herself from saying, leaving Ted curious). Brad avoids answering by pointing out “money” in the water. When Ted takes a closer look, Brad pushes him in.

As they resume their water fight, Ted makes clear his intention to murder Brad.

The pre-credits scene at the end, on the following day (Sunday), has Mr. Ernst using Jake’s service…for some reason. Jake signals time’s up, leaving Mr. Ernst without the answer of how long to grow the sideburns (thank Goddess we never see that). Jake gets him to come back later for another session.

Brad and Ted come by with “a really serious problem”, so Jake charges $20 (that’s with the employee discount), which Brad makes Ted pay.

Brad lays out the problem (without going into detail). Ted adds Kyle and Melody aren’t talking to them and asks Jake what to do. Jake suggests showing them that they’re sorry by going to Mr. Ernst and volunteering to clean all of the bathrooms for the rest of the summer – with a toothbrush (the way that he likes it). They refuse. Jake says, if they’re really sorry, they’ll do it, and Brad seems to agree. Ted still refuses. Jake lets them know “Jake has spoken”. Brad reminds Ted that this is all their fault, and she doesn’t want Kyle and Melody to be mad at them “all summer”. Brad gets a reluctant Ted to go to Mr. Ernst with her.

Ha.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was pretty bad. It dicked with the timeline, it got Brad’s character wrong, it resurrected the Ted/Brad/Kyle love triangle after a seemingly definite end, it wanted us to assume a lot of build-up occurred off screen, and it made everyone except Kyle (of all people) seem really immature, despite these characters supposedly knowing each other for a long time already.

Oh, well, let’s see if the series can go out on a high note.

It’s the final countdown!: 1!

Season 5, Episode 11: Jake’s Fight

Writer: Judy Spencer
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: August 16, 1991

This episode has a 1991 copyright.

This episode is on the DVD, in terms of data files, after “Double Date”, but the episodes are listed in the correct order in the episode selection menu.

In the cold open, Mr. Ernst is fixing the intercom speaker at the ranch’s entrance. Wait, what? Since when have they had an intercom here?

Anyway, Lucy comes by, having finished the schedule. Wait, what? Lucy does the scheduling? Yeah, actually. It’s an obscure detail that they remembered.

Mr. Ernst is happy to see Danny and Jake having “plain, old-fashioned, non-violent fun”. He praises the staff and likes to think he’s been a positive influence on them.

He changes his mind when he realizes Buddy was in the barrel.

After the credits, two boys sit at a table for lunch, and another boy warns the one in the Raiders cap that he “can’t sit” in “Roy’s place”. Brad points out that there’s plenty of room elsewhere. The kid goes on about Roy Bigelow being a badass and tries to scare the Raiders kid with a story. The Raiders kid doesn’t buy it. The kid warns the Raiders kid against doing three things: 1) staring at Roy, 2) touching Roy, and 3) spilling anything on Roy. Also, Roy always scratches his head before pounding somebody. The Raiders kid still doesn’t buy it and tells the Roy fanboy to fuck off.

Skipping ahead a bit, the Roy fanboy is named Shermie. Shermie is played by Sean Robison, who doesn’t seem to have an IMDb entry. His acting is pretty bad.

Kid no. 1 (the one in the Raiders cap) is played by Daniel Andre (credited in the episode as “Danny Andre”). He had previously played a Snake Eyes player in “Dueling Ranches” (season 3, episode 07).

Kid no. 2 is played by John Martinez, and there are so fucking many of them that I have no idea if he has an IMDb entry or not.

Roy shows up and looks “intimidating”, so the Raiders kid scoots over. Roy is played by Sean Kennedy, and there are so fucking many of them that I have no idea if he has an IMDb entry or not.

Shermie cleans the bench before Roy sits down. Roy asks if the Raiders kid is staring at him, and the Raiders kid quickly breaks eye contact. Roy takes the kid’s plate and admonishes Shermie for providing him with a dirty glass. Shermie apologizes. Roy swipes the second kid’s drink. When the kid protests, Roy stares at him, and the kid backs down.

Brad comes by and tries to extend customer courtesy while also admonishing Roy for taking the kid’s glass. Roy tries to get the kid to “admit” he gave him the glass. Brad calls Roy out on taking the glass. They get into an argument.

Jake comes by, trying to diffuse the situation, but then Roy pisses Brad off by calling her a “babe”.

Jake takes Brad aside and admonishes her for arguing with the guests. Fuck you, Jake, she was justified. Roy is an asshole, he was rude to her, and she stood up for herself.

Besides, this is part of who Brad is. Continuing from last week, let’s pause for a bit and discuss Bradley Taylor, the people person. She doesn’t exist. We know Brad hates serving people and argues with guests. Hell, she was ready and willing to lose her job by arguing with Kyle when she thought he was a guest. Any personal relationships that she’s developed with fellow staff members aren’t strong enough to make her want to hold on to this job. Standing up for herself is more important to her. While I have a much thicker skin than she does (I don’t care what people say or think about me) and can hold my tongue (she sometimes does and even apologizes for nothing, but Jake blames her anyway), I don’t fault her for speaking out. Jake doesn’t understand this is who Brad is.

On top of that, Brad mentions Roy has been terrorizing all of the Young Buckaroos, and Jake actually says that’s “still no excuse” for Brad to “lose it”. Yes, it fucking is. Jake wants to try psychology (his “specialty”) on Roy. Jake has Brad take care of the burgers while he handles the tables. Brad agrees but tells Jake to watch himself.

Roy demands ketchup from Shermie.

He also gets pissed at Jake for waiting on someone else before him, because “Roy Bigelow does not wait”. He even pounds the table in frustration. Villain’s a bit over the top this week, ain’t he?

The kid to Roy’s left even wants Jake to serve Roy first as a “personal favor”, but Jake refuses. Roy accuses Jake of staring at him. They talk about it for a bit.

Then Jake pats Roy. They discuss that as well, and Roy threatens to beat Jake up. Brad arrives with the burgers, and she and Jake fight over who gets to serve them.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

OH, SHIT!

Jake apologizes. Roy shoves Jake and says he “just went on the endangered species list”, which is so hokey that I just can’t take Roy seriously.

Brad tries to intervene, and…what the hell? Jake is taller than Roy. This shouldn’t even be a tense moment.

Mr. Ernst and Buddy pass by, and Shermie warns Roy, who gets all smiley. If Roy was ready to beat up a Bar None staff member, why’s he worried about the nerdy boss? He’d get kicked off the ranch and possibly arrested regardless.

Oh, and Mr. Ernst doesn’t even notice the food on Roy.

Roy decides “now’s not the time” and postpones the fight: “3:00. The corral. Be there.”

Or don’t. Problem solved.

Brad even makes fun of this line when she relates what happened.

Jake believes he’s gonna die.

Melody believes “Roy really can’t be that bad. Nobody could.” Did she forget about the robber that was gonna put her in the mine shaft?

Danny says, in Arts and Crafts, Roy poured glue all over a girl and bonded her to the wall. Wait, wait, wait. I find this difficult to believe. Roy participated in Arts and Crafts? Anyway, why didn’t Danny report him?

Buddy saw Roy shaking down kids for protection money ($5 per hour). Buddy got the “economy plan” (3 hours for $14.50). Why didn’t Buddy report Roy? WHY HASN’T ANYONE REPORTED ROY?!

Jake hopes avoiding Roy will make Roy forget about him.

Oh, hey, Kyle. What are you gonna contribute this week?

Oh, he tries to convince Jake to fight Roy. I should’ve seen that coming. Fuck you, Kyle.

Ted and Danny agree with Kyle for whatever fucking reason (penises, most likely).

Danny then immediately contradicts himself (it’s amazing) by suggesting Jake run to Mexico.

Some tape damage.

Kyle tries to convince Jake that he can’t back down, because he’ll be “living in shame” for the rest of his days. Not if Jake’s not the kind of person that cares what other people think of him.

Jake says he’s not a coward, but he’s never been in a fight before. He “forgot” about his “fight” with “Jed”. Kyle wants to teach Jake how to fight, but Ted claims he “used to be pretty tough back in the old neighborhood”. Kyle counters a man that “grows up in the West” “knows these things”. Ted calls Kyle “Cowboy Bob” and himself “Rocky”. Kyle tries to show Jake a fighting stance and tells him to dance around.

Jake does part of a Jakedance (even though he doesn’t refer to it as such). Ted shoves “Michael Jackson” onto the couch. Ted and Kyle argue over who has fighting skills, and Kyle actually asks Ted how many fights that he’s been in, seemingly forgetting he and Ted went at it – twice – not long ago.

Melody breaks up the argument and suggests talking to Roy. No one takes her suggestion seriously, and Brad calls Roy “impossible”. Melody believes her approach is correct and talks herself up as really nice (Danny gets a cute joke in). Melody speechifies about the power of nice and goes off to talk to Roy, leaving the others concerned.

Roy is hanging out on the corral, even though the fight doesn’t start for quite a while. Shermie is talking up Roy’s upcoming victory…to Roy.

Melody comes by and introduces herself. Roy insults her. Shermie tries to get Melody to leave, because “Roy does not have time for this small talk”. Roy has Shermie run a lap (seriously).

Melody brings up the “disagreement” between Roy and Jake. Roy announces his murderous intentions. Seriously, he says “I gotta kill him.” Melody tries to be all understanding, which seems to surprise Roy. She tries to psychoanalyze him, and he seems to agree. Melody calls herself a “people person”. She agrees with Roy that she’s nice (well, she’s definitely not modest). Roy says he hates nice, and nice people “are insult to” his intelligence.

Oh, shit.

Melody asks Roy if he’d beat up a girl.

No, he wouldn’t.

Right before the cut to the next scene, Melody screams something that sounds like it belongs in the next scene (or maybe it’s just a poor use of ADR, since Melody’s lips clearly aren’t moving). I can’t understand it, but it sounds an awful lot like “Fuck off!”

“Kill him!”

Okay, that, I understand.

Melody is fucking pissed and wants to go all terrorist on Roy. Seriously, she talks about killing Roy herself and asks for explosives. This would never appear on a children’s series today.

Melody also gets mad at Danny for trying to say “I told you so”, and then she complains to Jake about having horse spit in her hair, and, yeah, that’s fucking disgusting, but why didn’t Melody stop to at least change into dry clothes before coming back to the main lodge?

Jake asks Melody for any other ideas, and Melody suggests machine guns and concussion grenades. She sees no other way of dealing with “this psycho”. What an ironic statement. To borrow a phrase from Mighty God King, Melody Hanson is motherfucking psycho bugfuck crazy. Massive kudos to Christine Taylor for selling this performance.

Melody adds Roy Bigelow should be staying at the Vlecks’ place, because they “deserve each other”. This inspires Jake to call the Vlecks and get them to deal with Roy.

Right before the (unusually fast and abrupt) fade to commercial, Melody grabs hold of Danny and professes her excitement at how the Vlecks are gonna “get” Roy.

After the commercial break, holy shit, it’s Lonnie and Karl Vleck! I’d never expected to see them again! Paul Olmer is back for his third and final appearance as Lonnie Vleck, and ditto for Don Wyllie as Karl Vleck. IMDb doesn’t credit them for their appearances in this episode, hence my confusion. I admit it’s a nice feeling when the Internet doesn’t spoil me, and I end up being surprised as a result.

After some banter, Jake tells Lonnie what he wants him to do, and it sounds good to him, but why didn’t Jake bring it up over the phone? Did he just say “Hey, can you two come over? I wanna talk to you”, and then they got on their horses and rode over to the Bar None, not knowing what to expect? Also, if Jake needs just Lonnie, why’s Karl there? I know the real-world answer: comedic duo.

Lonnie and Karl have a “Vleck conference”, which worries Danny. The Vlecks want something from them. They’d raised a collection but, to Jake’s surprise, collected only $4. Jake offers to throw in some free drum lessons. Dumbass, if you believe your life really is at stake (which it isn’t), pay up out of your own pocket.

They’re gonna leave, so Jake desperately asks them what they want.

“Fuck no!”

By the way, the girls didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. They were in the scene at the beginning but got out of the way when Lonnie and Karl dismounted, probably because they didn’t want them to mount them.

Also, sorry to disappoint, but Vic and Valerie don’t appear in this episode. Jake does ask Lonnie and Karl about them, but they don’t answer.

Anyway, after a bit of gay humor, Jake starts “crying” and telling the girls that he told “Shermie the weasel” to tell Roy to meet him, and Roy’s gonna be here “any minute”. What happened to 3:00 at the corral?

A concerned Melody takes Brad aside to discuss it, and Jake immediately drops the act.

Brad lays out the terms: one date, not to exceed three hours, no kissing, no hand-holding, and they reserve the right to not talk to the idiots or watch them eat. Melody adds “you” have to swear to not tell “a single soul” about this, which is so vague as to be legally useless. Jake swears, and Karl and Lonnie say it’s a deal.

Buddy comes by and heralds Roy’s arrival.

Roy’s not intimidated and has Shermie say Lonnie has to prove he’s “worthy” to “fight Roy Bigelow” by taking “the test of strength”. Jake’s like “What the fuck?” Lonnie, however, agrees.

Yeah, Roy got Lonnie to knock himself out (somehow). Roy tells Jake that “Roy Bigelow always wins” (notice how he and Shermie often refer to him by his full name?), and he’ll be waiting.

At 2:30 PM, in the boys’ bunk house, they discuss it. The dates are off, which is a good thing.

Melody tells Jake that hiding underneath the bunk bed – much like murder, fighting, lying, and buying back your clothing – is not the answer. I love how this has become a recurring thing with her. She wants to get Jake “ready for this fight super-fast” by hunting down one of Ted’s protein bars from when he was “on that body-building kick”. We never saw this, unless she’s referring to this, but that was last summer, so ewww. Jake makes a joke, and I love Brad’s little laugh. Melody finds a bar that’s “a little stale-looking” but “probably still effective”. Jake says it’s “the most disgusting thing” that he’s ever eaten. He tosses it on the floor near Brad, and she kicks it away and brings up confronting and taking control of your fears – from “Jake’s Guide to Life”. Ooh, nice try, Brad. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

Danny wants to “evaluate the situation, step by step”, which succeeds in eating up some more of the running time.

Brad demands Jake talk to Mr. Ernst. Melody agrees. Jake wants them to keep quiet, because it’s his problem.

Ha.

It’s 2:45 PM, and Jake’s begging Mr. Ernst to intervene.

Hey, what’s Mr. Ernst’s old computer doing on his desk? Buddy had fucked it up, and he’d gotten a new one. I kinda had a feeling that the change might not last.

Mr. Ernst believes Jake’s blown this out of proportion but agrees to talk to Roy’s parents.

Mr. Ernst talks himself up and says he’ll be back in five minutes.

Hey, check it out: another random female staff member on desk duty.

“Kill him!”

Yeah, Roy’s dad beat Mr. Ernst up while Roy’s mom held him down in the dirt. They’re “a fairly excitable bunch”.

Mr. Ernst wants Jake to defend “the Ernst family honor”. The “Ernst motto” (other than “We like math”) is “An Ernst never backs down”, which Jake doesn’t remember.

Mr. Ernst goes through “the old equipment bag” (which we’ve never seen before).

Damn, feelings of inflicting violence are running high in this episode, aren’t they?

Mr. Ernst relates backstory on how boxing turned him from a weakling into a “tough guy”. When he discovered his “skills” as a “pugilist”, he found all of the confidence that he needed. This seems to be consistent with what we learned in “Killer Ernst” (season 3, episode 10). Jake is skeptical. There seems to be some bad ADR or an audio glitch as Mr. Ernst starts to demonstrate.

The joke is Mr. Ernst tires himself out, so he’s nowhere near in as good a shape as he thinks he is. Jake thanks him anyway.

Buddy comes in and wonders what the fuck happened to his dad. Jake says he’s resting, and they leave the office.

The gang meets in the main lodge. Ted says they have a plan, but Jake wants them to call his parents, leave a message on the machine (nice bit of consistency), and tell them that he loves them. He apologizes to Buddy for all of those “mean things” that he did to him at “the Ernst family get-togethers”. Buddy says they weren’t that mean. Jake’s relieved, because he’s really not that sorry. Jake leaves Danny his drums and Ted his book collection. Ted would really rather have the drums, which earns him slaps from the girls, but he claims he’s “just kidding”.

Ted hands Jake a bus ticket to Phoenix. Danny’s aunt lives there. He’d already called her, and she said Jake can stay there as long as he likes. Brad packed Jake a bag, and Melody packed him a bagged lunch for the bus ride.

Buddy puts a “disguise” on Jake (to fool Roy), and Kyle adds a fedora. Kyle says Jake better hurry, because they got him a ride to the bus terminal. Jake feels like he’s letting them down, but Melody says they just want him to be okay; that’s the most important thing. They send him off.

At the corral, Roy practices his moves, and Shermie talks him up.

The two kids from lunch – as well as some others, who were also at lunch – have shown up to watch the fight. Melody tries to convince them that there won’t be a fight.

Shit, IMDb is slacking on this episode! The Young Buckaroos are played by Holly A. Dixon, Katherine Hansen, Neil Atchley, David Stadnick, Troy Sims, and K. C. Yasmer. Hansen and Yasmer previously appeared in “Lost in the Desert” (season 4, episode 07) and “Presumed Stupid” (season 5, episode 08). Dixon, Atchley, Stadnick, and Sims don’t seem to have IMDb entries.

If you’re wondering why I’m having so much trouble with the actors in this episode, it’s because IMDb’s page for this episode credits only David Brisbin and Daniel Andre.

Melody talks with “Shermie the weasel”. She hates him, because he’s Roy’s friend, “and that’s all that matters”. Shermie admits they’re “not exactly friends” and reveals every kid in school used to beat him up before he started hanging out with Roy. Now, “nobody dare touch Roy Bigelow’s buddy”. Melody points out that , in return, Shermie acts like his slave, and Roy treats him like dirt. Shermie says taking “a little abuse” is better than getting beat up all of the time. Melody sarcastically says “it’s a really great system”.

It’s 3:01 PM, and Roy tells Melody that it looks like Jake ain’t showing up, but…

Melody wants Jake to go and catch the bus, but Jake is “through running”. He hands Melody the fedora. Why’d he bring that, of all things, to the corral?

Roy offers Jake “one shot for free, just for showin’ up”. Jake says he’s not gonna fight Roy. Roy is confused. Jake says he’s not scared of Roy and invites Roy to beat him up. Jake points out that everyone’s so scared of Roy, and that’s how he works. They just do whatever he wants them to do. That’s why Roy Bigelow always wins, but not this time. Jake again invites Roy to beat him up and “impress” the guests; he won’t stop him.

Roy won’t let Jake “look good in front of everyone”. Roy declares the fight is “officially postponed” (which disappoints the kids), but then he quickly changes it to “off” until he he says different. Jake refuses to get out of his way – twice. Not willing to let Jake look good, Roy has to walk around Jake.

Even Shermie seems to have learned to stand up to Roy, blatantly staring at him (though he doesn’t admit it) and walking away from him. Blink, and you’ll miss it, but Melody smiles at this. Roy goes after him, but we don’t learn what happens.

After learning Roy’s gone “for good” (how do they know this?), Jake faints. Ha. Kyle checks on him.

The pre-credits scene at the end, on another day, has Jake repeating the same joke that Ted didn’t get back in “Rest in Pieces” (season 5, episode 04), perhaps for Kyle’s benefit, since he wasn’t there.

Lucy is re-fixing the intercom speaker, because something that Mr. Ernst did shorted out the entire system. I guess this was a “subplot”.

Lucy is proud of Jake for the way that he stood up to Roy, but that raises the question of where Lucy was during all of this.

Kyle asks how Jake knew “Roy Bigelow” would back down, and Jake admits he didn’t, but it was a “pleasant surprise”. Yeah, Jake was extremely lucky that Roy didn’t beat him up – or make good on his threat to kill him. I don’t know if Jake’s brave or stupid. Wait, I do know. Jake could have just avoided Roy entirely.

Lucy spots a barrel rolling and is upset that Mr. Ernst is gonna have a fit once he sees Buddy doing this shit. Another “subplot” that I was unaware of.

They all chase after the barrel, which hits a rock. Danny admonishes Buddy.

Buddy arrives, having heard them call him.

Ha. It turns out that Mr. Ernst had Buddy roll him in the barrel, and he had so much fun that he wants to do it again.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was okay. It was kinda funny, but it really made no sense. Why do Jake or the others care what other people think of him? He could have simply dismissed Roy’s threat as the non-issue that it was and simply not given a shit what a bunch of kids thought of him.

Anyone notice how disjointed that the cast was in this episode? Ted didn’t show up until six minutes in and then disappeared again until minutes before the fight. The Vleck kids put in cameos. Brad missed the fight entirely. Lucy was in only the cold open and the final pre-credits scene, which really have nothing to do with the main plot. It’s so weird, and it’s proof that you can’t have this many characters in a 25-minute (including themes) episode.

Kyle was his usual useless self, trying to pressure Jake into the fight and getting into it with Ted over fighting (at least it wasn’t over Brad). He could have been cut easily. Was it in Geoffrey Coy’s contract that he be in a certain number of episodes?

Overall, an average episode, but be sure to be on the lookout for the direct-to-VHS porn sequel: “Roy Bigelow: Five-Dollar Gigolo”. Three hours of action for only $14.50!

It’s the final countdown!: 2

Season 5, Episode 10: Low Budget Brad

Writer: Grant Dobbins (story), Lisa Melamed (teleplay)
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: August 9, 1991

This episode has a 1991 copyright.

This is the third episode in what I call the “Brad trilogy” – a series of three female-written episodes that focus on Brad, whether in the main plot or in a subplot.

Well, okay, only the teleplay was written by Lisa Melamed, a regular writer for the series since season 2. The story is credited to Grant Dobbins, someone that has no IMDb page. Really strange. This is the only instance in the series (that I can recall) of an episode having separate story and teleplay credits.

In the cold open, a skeptical Danny is helping Jake create a video (featuring Mr. Ernst) to send in to “Vacations of the Wealthy and Well-Known” (no doubt a local knock-off of “Runaway with the Rich and Famous” that airs on some shitty, low-powered independent station in Tucson) in the hope of luring them to the Bar None, since they’re looking for a new place to shoot. Danny seems to give the impression that no wealthy and well-known people have ever come to the Bar None, but he forgot Bobby Rogers from last summer.

As you can expect, Mr. Ernst hams it up for the camera, speaking in a faux East Coast old-money accent and referring to himself as “Benjamin Ernst of the New Jersey Ernsts”.

Danny doesn’t do his job of flipping the cue cards, causing Mr. Ernst to pause, but Jake just keeps rolling, because fuck retakes.

Buddy and Ted walk past the camera on garbage detail (which includes a dead animal) at a comedically timed moment.

Jake yells at them and finally decides a retake is needed.

Oops.

After the credits, on another day, Jake is pestering Melody to pretend she’s rich and star in his stupid video.

She refuses, so Jake complains to Ted, who, along with Danny, is fixing the Jeep. Did it break again? Or, if we move last week’s 1990-taped episode, maybe it’s still broken.

Melody gets in a good putdown of the much-maligned polka-dot shirts (which she seems to take ownership of). She also says she’s taken long family trips in the station wagon and played “count the out-of-state license plates”. Sounds thrilling.

Danny doesn’t give a shit about Jake’s stupid video and refuses to star in it.

Ted volunteers to star in the video, because he’s great at bullshit. For some reason, Melody tries to talk to Jake as he’s getting the camera ready. Is she trying to talk him out of it? If so, why?

So Ted, with oil on his cheek, tries to act all suave and shit. Things go downhill when he says his mom got sick on the Mayflower. Jake gets him to hurry the fuck up. Ted bullshits about a safari in Africa and doesn’t even sound like he’s not making it up on the spot.

Melody steals the spotlight by poking fun at Ted’s story through a quote from “The Wizard of Oz”. There’s a slight audio glitch while she does this.

Jake wants to keep going (because fuck retakes), but Ted can’t remember what he was talking about.

Brad arrives on her new horse and insults Ted.

Jake tries to get Brad to star in his stupid video, but she initially refuses.

Side note: I really love Brad’s outfit.

Jake convinces her to talk, so she mentions a “last-minute” trip to the Winter Olympics one year.

So, without any introduction, Brad starts talking about the view from the helicopter and how she wanted to suck off the entire Swedish team.

Ted pulls Ted shit. Brad and Jake ignore him and keep going, because fuck retakes. None of these assholes know how to make a video, do they?

One year, Brad’s family went on a “fabulous” excavation to Mesopotamia (because they had other people doing the digging for them).

Jake abruptly cuts her off, I guess because he thinks he has enough footage. He’s also skeptical of her stories, but Brad insists they’re true. Melody backs Brad up, because she’s seen thousands of pictures (such as Brad on a camel, Brad climbing an alp, and the Mona Lisa smiling at Brad).

Melody tells Brad that, while she was working the front desk, her parents called and want her to call them back. Brad doesn’t make returning their call a priority (because she’s rich and shit).

After Brad leaves, Ted and Danny talk about Brad’s family’s wealth. Y’know that new horse? Her parents had bought him for her specifically because she had given Charisma away last month.

Brad comes back with her horse and tells them to give her a break. For some reason, she singles out Danny as not being able to spoil her good mood. We learn it’s her day off, and her horse is named Sir Barney. What’s the significance of the name, and did she name him? She hadn’t named Charisma.

Brad excuses herself to go to “retail therapy” (shopping). Danny wants Brad to spend the nice day outside instead of in a mall. Ted makes fun of Brad’s spending habits. Brad leaves. Ted and Danny banter about Brad a bit and then try out the Jeep (we don’t see the result).

Later, Melody is shocked at all of the stuff that Brad’s bought, and Brad encourages her to “indulge a little bit more”. Melody tries to make Brad realize her good fortune. They talk about Brad’s spending and overconsumption for a bit, and it basically amounts to:

Melody: “Share!”
Brad: “No! Share bad! Stuff good!”

Brad gets all of this from her father, whose monetary philosophy is “If you’ve got it, spend it.” Melody’s monetary philosophy is “If you haven’t got it, try not to want so much.” Veronica and Betty, everyone.

Y’know, we haven’t really seen or heard much of Brad’s clothing collection since the series premiere, so it’s nice that they’re addressing it again.

Buddy knocks, and Brad invites him in. He’s just as shocked at Brad’s purchases as Melody was. He lets Brad know her parents called again, and they want her to call them back. Brad’s kind of dismissive of it again.

Buddy has a goldfish in a bag, and Melody asks him about it. Black Beauty is Buddy’s new pet. He had mentioned Brad’s two horses to Mr. Ernst as a hint. Buddy leaves.

Brad invites Melody to watch Brad’s favorite part: “the ceremonial cutting of the tags”. Melody gives a sarcastic excuse, which Brad doesn’t pay attention to, because she’s too busy looking for scissors. Melody leaves to serve dinner. Brad says “Don’t work too hard.” Fuck you, Brad, I hate when people say that. Even Melody’s irritated by it and lets Brad know (not that it matters to Brad).

The next day (I guess), Jake’s losing hope of ever drawing the shitty TV series to the Bar None. They banter for a bit.

Brad comes by and says “Hey, dudes.” Cute.

Ted has something to give to her.

Jake wants to tape Brad doing something interesting. Brad suggests he follow her around for a while, and they’ll see what happens. Ted makes fun of it, and Brad gets on his and Danny’s case, calling them jealous. Judging by Danny’s “Horse of the Month Club” joke, I think we can assume season 3 was June, season 4 was July, and season 5 is August.

Ted gives Brad a telegram. Brad is excited, because three of her friends are traveling around the world this summer, and she thinks it’s from them.

Jake’s excited, too, because opening a telegram is “a high-class thing” that he can tape Brad doing.

Jake asks Brad to emote.

Brad tells Jake to shut the fucking camera off.

Ted asks what the telegram says. Brad angrily tells him that it’s none of his business. Danny makes a sarcastic joke regarding the seriousness of the telegram, and Ted and Jake laugh.

Righteously fucking pissed, Brad tells them that her father lost his job, and her family is broke. She asks them if they’re happy, and then she runs away.

As the episode fades to commercial, Danny needlessly says he shouldn’t have made that joke. Y’think, Dan?

After the commercial break (which comes very early in this episode), Brad goes and sits by the lake, wishing to be alone.

Danny and Melody come by. Danny apologizes (twice) for making jokes, expresses sorrow for her dad getting fired, and brings up positive things (Brad’s health, the sky, the air, and a great horse). Brad doesn’t accept his apology nor necessarily agree with him. She just wants privacy. Danny leaves, seemingly somewhat upset. I can understand both perspectives. Brad just had a life-altering event occur and wants to be left the fuck alone. Danny apologizes for his behavior and tries to cheer Brad up, and she tells him to fuck off. Both are hurting, but I have to side with Brad, because she’s the one whose life has been turned upside-down. I know the last thing that I’d want to hear in that situation is “Look on the bright side”.

Unlike Danny, Melody doesn’t respect Brad’s desire for privacy and insists on hanging out and talking. Brad spoke to her parents earlier. Melody insists on knowing the details, and Brad reluctantly gives them (kudos to Kelly Brown for selling this). Basically, big-ass contract that Daddy’s been jerking off over fell through, leaving everyone involved out of a job and the Taylor family broke (they don’t do the savings thing). Melody insists it’s “no big deal”, and Brad handles this way better than I would (which would involve a punch to the face). Brad feels she’s left with nothing (not even an identity of her own). Melody says she’d do anything for Brad, but she can’t help Brad identify who she is and what she has.

Let’s pause for a bit and discuss who Bradley Taylor is. From what we’ve seen and been told, she’s a nobody that’s a somebody solely due to her family’s wealth. She attended hoity-toity schools throughout her life and dealt with the occasional bitch. Her one talent is riding horses. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life (somehow, professional competition, full-time riding instructor, and working in the family business (whatever that is) don’t cross her mind). Her one real hobby is reading (usually trashy erotica). She doesn’t have much of a romance life. There are hints here and there that she’s involved in theater, though it’s uncertain to what extent. That’s it. That’s Bradley Taylor. Up to this point, she’s defined who she is by her possessions. She has to redefine herself, and she doesn’t know how.

Interestingly, Brad mentions Kyle, even though he hasn’t appeared in this episode.

Brad also says she can’t go to private school anymore, because it’s too expensive, so she’ll lose her friends back home (she has no friends that aren’t upper-class, it seems); she also says she’s sure they’ll have to move. Melody says a lot of things could change by then (I guess she means September). Brad says, right now, she can’t pay for her new clothes, and she can’t ask her parents to, not that they could now anyway. She asks what she’s gonna do.

Ted and the others come by with the answer: the Brad Squad, dedicated to fully converting Brad into a middle-class girl.

Oh, look, it’s Kyle, putting in his first appearance since he and Ted had it out. Well, at least he and Ted seem to have stuck to giving up pursuing Brad.

Anyway, Brad’s skeptical, but the others cheer her on. Brad declares herself, “starting now”, to be “the new Brad, low-budget Brad”.

So, of course, they wait until the next day to destroy Brad’s credit cards.

Brad decides to keep the cards as a souvenir, and Ted tells Danny to keep Brad away from the crazy glue.

Danny advises replacing a bad habit with something else, and Kyle suggests riding Sir Barney whenever Brad’s tempted to shop. I totally believe the “real cowboy” would give such stupid advice. Brad gets the basic point, though.

Ted administers a self-designed pop quiz to test Brad’s mindset. There’s a cute joke when Ted says “vis-à-vis”, and Brad pleads with him to not say “Visa”. There’s also some fun “quiz” background score going on. Anyway, Brad does poorly. Despite seemingly doing her own laundry at the ranch, she’s still used to dry cleaning. She’s also still used to having food delivered instead of cooking herself. Yeah, other than popping popcorn, Brad likely can’t cook. Brad does manage to say she’d walk instead of taking a taxi, but Ted likes to give her a hard time, and that’s as close to flirting as they get.

Melody informs Brad that she and Jake managed to return all of Brad’s new purchases, even without the tags on them. Brad thanks them and says she was too embarrassed to go back there. Apparently, the salesgirl (singular, which means Brad bought everything in one store) took it “bad” when they informed her that Brad wouldn’t be coming back anymore.

Jake, over Melody’s objection, mentions a stupid idea to Brad involving cutting off and velcroing on her sleeves, depending on the weather. He even considers marketing the idea. Everyone else (except Ted, whose reaction we don’t see) thinks it’s a stupid idea. Jake and Danny go to wash the dishes, and Kyle goes to muck out the stalls. Brad asks Kyle to check on Sir Barney for her…for some reason (I guess just to make Kyle seem useful). Danny wishes Brad good luck.

Melody asks Brad if she’s talked to her parents again. Brad talked to her mother and is upset that her mother is considering selling a painting that Brad’s (presumably maternal) grandfather left her, even though it made her feel he was in the room with her, and it won’t mean anything to the strangers that will buy it.

Mr. Ernst comes by. As the good accountant that he is, he’s taken the liberty of running a bunch of figures and printing them out for Brad to look at. Basically, Brad has high monthly expenses and a shit-ton of outstanding debt, and her monthly Bar None “salary” (she’s salaried?) doesn’t come close to covering it. Mr. Ernst says there’s no charge for this. Well, ain’t that nice of him?

Ted suggests “drastic measures”.

That means an auction.

Yeah, test that microphone! Earn that paycheck, Kyle!

By the way, nice touch with Jake reading. Is it one of his books or one of Brad’s pieces of “fine literature”?

Brad brings by some more stuff and wants to return to her bunk, but Ted tells her to stay as part of the letting-go process. He also ribs her on her ironing. Who usually does it for her? Melody?

Ted starts the auction.

He doesn’t exactly make Brad feel better.

First up is a “stupid-looking hat”:

And the divide between them keeps on growing.

Next up is one of Brad’s riding trophies, which she really doesn’t want to part with. So why’d she bring it out? She won it. It had cost her nothing.

Anyway, some fatass buys it to use it as a hood ornament.

The running joke is Ted is devaluing all of Brad’s stuff.

None of the people that speak up at the auction are credited.

Melody’s pissed that Brad is selling her peach angora sweater without ever having let Melody borrow it. The “blonde barracuda” bids $10…

…and shuts everyone else up.

Brad suddenly bids $11. Amusingly, Ted (of all people) calls it “highly unorthodox”. Melody bids $12. Brad bids $15. Melody bids $17.50. Brad bids $18. Melody yells at Brad to give it up and insists buying back her clothing – much like murder, fighting, and lying – is not the answer. Brad demands to know, “once and for all”, what is the answer. Melody tells her to “let it go”.

Ha.

Next up are Brad’s ice skates. She’s insulted over a $5 bid and tries to get guests to up their bids. Ted mentions her father lost his job.

The next day (I guess), the camera’s on the fritz, and Jake tries to get it to work.

Jake runs into Brad, who bullshits about doing her laundry in the corral. This raises an interesting question. Where are the actual washers and dryers that people use at the Bar None?

Anyway, Brad’s upset at the invasion of privacy, and Jake gets a funny line in about friends not leaving each other alone. Finally, Brad reveals the truth:

She bought back all of her shit – at more than what she’d originally paid for it (the guests are “ruthless”). Jake and Brad discuss it. Brad had the auction for her parents, not herself. She’s been thinking about them a lot. They’ve always been so generous, and she’s always taken it for granted. She just wanted to give them something back to show them what they mean to her. Now, she’s worse off than before. Jake tells her to call them up and tell them what happened, because “it is the thought that counts”. Brad says it’s not enough; she has to do something (just as her friends did for her).

Brad is gonna sell Sir Barney, and Jake can’t talk her out of it. Jake runs off.

There’s a touching moment when Brad quietly says “I’m gonna miss you.” I wonder if Kelly Brown ad-libbed this.

Later, Melody comes into the girls’ bunk house and finds a depressed Brad avoiding the world. She’d mailed the money from Sir Barney home to her parents. She’d had Mr. Ernst sell him, and she says it was the right thing to do, but it still hurts. Melody wants Brad to meet the people that bought Sir Barney. Brad doesn’t want to, but Melody takes her by the hand and pulls her outside.

Yeah, Mr. Ernst and the rest of the gang chipped in and bought Sir Barney. It was Ted’s idea after Jake had mentioned Brad’s intent to sell. Mr. Ernst adds Sir Barney can stay at the Bar None rent-free. Well, ain’t that nice of him?

Brad is overwhelmed with emotion, and she finally understands the kind of riches that she has.

As Brad takes Sir Barney out for some “exercise”, the Brad Squad cheer themselves, and Danny calls dibs on the next ride.

The pre-credits scene at the end, on another day, has Jake taping a video for a different shitty series: “Just Folks”.

Danny interrupts, because somehow he didn’t see they were taping.

Jake gets on his case and then explains his new approach. They get into it for a bit over the merits of doing this. Jake mentions Brad went into town to pick up a package, and Ted and Melody went with her. Danny leaves. Jake gets ready for take 2.

Oh, look, even Black Beauty got drafted into doing this stupid video.

Brad arrives in her brand-new car, which her father bought her, because the deal came through after all, and he got his job back. Well, it’s nice to know Brad didn’t have to apply the lessons that she’s learned.

Brad speeds off, hands-free, and Melody admonishes her to keep her hands on the fucking wheel.

Jake’s excited, because they can do “Vacations of the Wealthy and Well-Known” after all, and he ditches the “folks” to chase after Brad.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was very nice. We finally got more snobby Brad (which is a rarity on this series), and she had to learn to appreciate what she has.

The only problem – and it’s a big one – is we’ve already seen Brad’s generosity and kindness (hell, the episode was referenced in this one), so to suddenly have self-absorbed, spoiled, selfish, rich bitch Brad in this episode feels weird. This episode should have been written and taped way earlier in the series (like, season 1). It’s as if this Grant Dobbins person (possibly some corporate suit) suddenly said “Hey, I got this great story idea where that rich bitch character learns a lesson. One of you write it.” It was an answer to a question that viewers had long stopped asking.

Oh, and Kyle? Fuck him. Why was he even in this episode? He didn’t show up until the second act, and then his contributions consisted of generic motivation, giving Brad stupid advice, checking on Sir Barney (off-screen and for no apparent reason), testing a microphone, and spouting maybe one or two other lines of exposition.

It’s the final countdown!: 3

Season 5, Episode 09: Crush

Writer: Lisa Melamed
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: August 2, 1991

This episode has a 1990 copyright.

This is the second episode in what I call the “Brad trilogy” – a series of three female-written episodes that focus on Brad, whether in the main plot or in a subplot.

In the cold open, Brad is training a new staff member, Megan, about working with horses. Ooh, a new female staff member? This could potentially be interesting – or it would be if this 1990-taped episode hadn’t aired so late that we know we’ll never see Megan again. What is it with this series adding more male characters, but they can’t add a new female character or two to balance things out? And Betty, Jodie, and Lauri don’t count. Neither does Amy.

Megan is worried about Ted showing up. She’s been around him enough already to know he likes himself a lot. Brad has Megan fill up the trough.

Megan is played by Elizabeth Greenberg. “Hey Dude” was her second of six acting gigs in a very sporadic acting career that lasted from 1984 to 2004. Of those, she was notably in “The Babe”, “The Incredibles”, and “National Treasure”. She received thanks for “Finding Nemo”, and she’s gotten some production work in, but the last one was in 2011.

Ted’s running late, much to Brad’s annoyance, but he finally shows up. He had a hair emergency. Brad goes off on him for his vanity (which had never been a thing with him before, but whatever). He was supposed to help her train Megan. Ted goes off on Brad about her vanity (which, again, had never been a thing with her before). Ted challenges Brad to a…non-vanity contest (for lack of a better term). Brad accepts.

She takes Ted’s comb and asks him to help Megan. He calls out to her.

Hehehehe.

Ted tries to get his comb back, but Brad teases him and keeps it out of reach. Megan’s probably left wondering what the fuck kind of ranch hired her.

After the credits, Ted is having Brad surrender all of her vanity-related material, which he’s going to keep in a shoe box until the bet is over. Brad points out that she could just borrow Melody’s shit.

Speaking of Melody, she’s depressed after “another famous rotten date”. She’s making it sound like this is a common occurrence with Melody, but I recall only one bad date. I guess the theme of this episode is “out-of-the-ass character traits”.

Before Ted leaves, Brad has him surrender his corded hair dryer, which he keeps in a holster like a gun. This is the first that we’ve seen of Ted doing this, despite the dryer supposedly being an “old friend”. What’s the point, anyway? It’s not like he could blow his hair wherever, whenever. He has to plug it in.

Ted doesn’t let go of the hair dryer easily. As he’s about to leave, Brad asks to borrow Melody’s sweater. Ted decides he’s gonna pick out all of Brad’s clothes until the bet is over, and Brad dittos. She adds Ted can’t bathe. He reluctantly agrees and puts the same restriction on her. Melody says they’re nuts. They’re allowed to brush their teeth, and Brad negotiates when flossing is permitted (corn on the cob or ribs).

There’s a very abrupt cut to the next scene (even a sound that belongs in the latter scene bleeds into the former).

Mr. Ernst’s latest crazy scheme is a ranch beautification project. Smooth out the gravel. Trim the cacti. Add flowers. Danny and Jake protest, but Mr. Ernst won’t have it.

Melody comes out and thinks somebody died. Jake sets her mind at ease.

Mr. Ernst shows her the blurb in the travel section of the newspaper (The Daily News?): “The Bar None: a rough and ragged place.” This is why Mr. Ernst wants to “fix this place up”. This is our second subplot for the episode, I guess. Mr. Ernst wanted Danny to vacuum the ranch (they don’t have a long enough cord), and he’s considering hideous wallpaper for the main lodge.

Melody asks for Jake and Danny’s opinions of her as a girl. Jake makes a joke, and Danny thinks of her as “Melody” instead of “a girl”. Melody says, every time that she goes out on a date, she feels like she could be on “Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” The guys are unsympathetic and make fun of her, and Melody is upset at them. Jake picks a flower, gives it to her, and tells her to cheer up. He and Danny leave her alone. Wow, what assholes.

Buddy comes by and checks up on Melody, because he thought she’d “fainted or something”.

Buddy gives Melody “special candy, guaranteed to cheer you up” but quickly admits he made it up. Melody thanks him. Buddy and Melody talk about Melody’s sucky feeling. Melody heaps compliments on him and throws away Jake’s stupid flower. Melody goes to teach the “kiddies” to swim, and she thanks Buddy for cheering her up.

Buddy picks up the flower and concludes Melody wants his cock in her.

On another day, Buddy is following Melody around as she serves the guests. He finally leaves her alone.

Melody comes by Ted, who’s inspecting the dishes.

He tosses the imperfect ones into the lake.

Ted is upset at Melody’s staring and asks if she’s going to propose. Melody tells him to get over himself and asks what the fuck he’s doing. He’s creatively interpreting the task that Mr. Ernst gave him to get rid of imperfect dishes. Seriously, why is he doing this? Despite Melody asking, he never gives an answer. WHY IS HE THROWING DISHES IN THE LAKE?! Also, Melody asks about Ted’s clothing, and he asks for her honest opinion. She says it’s horrendous. People have been looking at him funny all morning, and it’s driving him crazy.

But he tries to act all “Whatever” (and does a pretty poor job) when Brad comes by. She actually has the opposite reaction and thanks Ted for freeing her from fashion and bathing worry. She read a book, wrote some postcards, and felt “so liberated”. She’s looking forward to the outfit that he has picked out for her for tomorrow, and he’s surprised she wants to continue but pretends to be fine with it. Brad leaves. Ted is incredulous that Brad has lasted so long. He checks his reflection in a spatula, but Brad comes by and confiscates it. Brad suggests Melody let Ted pick out her clothes, but Melody opposes it. As the girls walk off, Brad continues to try to convince Melody to do it, because it’s “so convenient”. Ted checks his reflection in the dishes and continues throwing them into the lake.

For fuck’s sake…

Oh, hey, Lucy. Where you been for the past four episodes? Not gonna say? Okay.

Lucy puts in her second appearance this season to do…not much, honestly. She tries to convince Mr. Ernst that he’s going overboard with this – to no avail.

We learn Mr. Ernst’s middle initial is J, but we don’t learn what it stands for. Also, the ranch now has wild pigs, which it didn’t last summer.

Buddy comes by and asks Mr. Ernst about love, which shocks him. Lucy gets uncomfortable and leaves – over Mr. Ernst’s protest. Mr. Ernst talks to Buddy about love, relating a story from when he and Buddy’s mother were first dating. They had gone to a restaurant one night, and he’d gotten food poisoning (bad clams). He was “sick as a dog”. Sara (he doesn’t name her) got him back to her apartment and fed him tea and chicken broth with little crackers. That’s when he fell in love with her – in between puking his guts out. He talks about love some more, and Buddy thanks him and leaves.

Megan comes by, happy to see Buddy. She asks him what he’s thinking about (which is weird) and doesn’t like it when he keeps it to himself. She’s finished working and asks if Buddy wants to do something with her. Buddy should say yes, of course, but he’s “just kind of getting involved with somebody”, so he blows her off, probably not realizing it could have been the other way around. She says she just wants to play horseshoes, but he declines that as well.

Megan gets a sassy comeback in and leaves his sorry ass. Buddy calls her “such a kid”. Dude, you’re 13 fucking years old.

As Buddy heads to the girls’ bunk house with a note, Megan comes back and lusts after him, but then she shakes her head, so…she’s over him, I guess.

At the lake, Danny is fishing, and Jake is drumming and chanting “Feesh, bite” repeatedly. It kinda sounds like he’s going for a stereotypical Native American chant. Either way, Danny should kick his ass.

Buddy comes by for girl advice (as opposed to dispensing the usual gross trivia), because he’s planning a picnic with a mystery girl, who Jake believes is Megan, despite Buddy’s repeated denials. We learn Jake was seven when he first kissed a girl (he was an “early bloomer”), which surprises Danny and Buddy. Danny says just concentrate on having fun.

Ted comes by, and the guys recreate the “Abbey Road” cover along the lake’s shore. Danny ribs Ted about his bet, and they fill Ted in on what’s going on with Buddy.

I like how they just have a guest sitting by the lake, getting ready to fish. It shows someone on the production staff remembered the ranch is supposed to be doing business.

Ted proceeds to give horrible dating advice to Buddy (over Jake’s objection), because it worked out so well last time. Ted doesn’t know it yet, but he’s giving Buddy advice on how to treat the very girl that he’d given advice to last summer. Ted assumes the girl is Megan. When Buddy denies it again, Danny and Jake ask who it is.

Melody comes by with Buddy’s note and asks about the “surprise”.

After the commercial break, Buddy and Melody are on their picnic. Buddy made kabobs with marshmallows, green peppers, Swiss cheese, and chocolate-covered radishes.

Melody declines Buddy’s offer to share a soda (or whatever it is). She gets on his case about his slurping. Buddy apologizes, calling it “a bad habit from when [he] was a kid”. You are a kid, you idiot!

The camera shakes a bit as Buddy sets down his drink.

Buddy wants to change himself for Melody and devote himself to her entirely, and Melody is about to try to let Buddy down gently.

But then Lucy shows up, because Mr. Ernst wants Buddy to help him wipe down all of the light bulbs in the lodge. Buddy grudgingly excuses himself to take care of his “responsibilities”. It’s pathetic cute how Buddy keeps trying to make himself sound like an adult.

Before Buddy leaves, Melody tries to talk to him again, but Buddy interrupts her to take a “mental picture” to remember this moment.

Wow, Melody so doesn’t want to be here right now.

Buddy exclaims this is the best time that he’s had all summer, and he leaves. Lucy asks Melody about the “date”, and Melody just shakes her head and throws up her hands.

So, for those of you that are keeping track, Lucy’s functions in this episode so far have been to 1) be the ineffectual voice of reason against Mr. Ernst and 2) draw out the “Buddy lusts Melody” plot, which would have been a subplot if not for Lucy.

The next day (I guess), we get Lucy’s third function of the episode: complimenting Brad on her stupid subplot. Brad says her friends back home would have a field day if they got a hold of some pictures of her (perhaps thinking of previous incriminating pictures). Ah, the days before smartphones.

Melody comes by, worried because Buddy gave her a stuffed monkey and has been sending her notes doused in aftershave and little stuffed animals. She finds them cute but asks Lucy for advice. C’mon, Lucy! Make yourself useful! You can do it! “Stop dating him.” Wow, thanks. Brad and Lucy talk to Melody for a bit – to no effect.

Melody reads a heart-shaped note that came with the monkey: “If ever you’re feeling sad and cruddy, remember you always have me, your Buddy.” Brad and Lucy find it adorable.

Oh, and Ted has slowly been approaching them from behind. He informs Melody that he saw her “boyfriend” carving “BE + MH Forever” on a tree. Melody is upset, but Brad finds it amusing. Ted and Brad compliment each other on their looks. Melody wants to leave Tucson. Ted suggests Melody say she met somebody else, but Melody says lying – much like murder – is not the answer. Ted clandestinely goes over to a watering trough to check his reflection, but Brad catches him, nearly bumping him into the trough.

Brad suggests Melody pretend to be awful, so Buddy will stop liking her, but Melody says that’s too mean. Honestly, though, considering the real-life stories that I’ve read of girls being murdered by boys (and even girls) over breaks-ups or just plain rejection, making the other person not want to be with you is actually the safer option.

Lucy advises Melody to tell Buddy the truth, but Melody says that’d be too traumatic for him, despite the fact that Melody was trying to do just that before Lucy showed up at the picnic, so Lucy isn’t giving her a new idea. It takes Ted bringing up the possibility of Melody being legally related to Mr. Ernst for Melody to decide to tell Buddy the truth. Right after Ted says it, it sounds like Melody’s saying “Nooooo” in a horrified tone, but she’s not on the screen, so it’s likely some poor ADR, because we then see Melody silently saying “Nooooo”.

Later, Mr. Ernst and Buddy debate giving the horses perms. Who’s on which side of the argument? Place your bets now!

Mr. Ernst wants to talk to Brad privately. Buddy walks away with Melody. As Mr. Ernst tries to delicately bring up the subject of Brad’s appearance, we learn Brad is subscribed to multiple fashion magazines. Ah, the days before the World Wide Web (according to production, not my in-universe timeline).

Mr. Ernst is shocked to learn Brad’s appearance is deliberate. Brad brings up the bet. Mr. Ernst has a “lucky guess” that it’s with Ted and asks Brad for an explanation. She lays it out. He hopes it’ll end soon, because the new staff uniforms will soon arrive. Not this again. Brad is surprised and sets Mr. Ernst straight (in a heartwarming way). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Brad truly cares about Mr. Ernst and the Bar None. She supports him, but she can also show him when he’s wrong and get him back on the right track. She fulfills Lucy’s role much better than Lucy does.

Mr. Ernst thanks Brad and goes to cancel the uniforms and the full-sized spa.

“Damn it. So close yet still but a dream.”

Buddy got Melody tickets to the symphony on Friday night – without really knowing what it is. When and where did he purchase them? Also, does Melody like the symphony? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean she’ll like whichever one that Buddy happened to buy tickets to. Melody gets on Buddy’s case about kicking sand on her. He apologizes. Melody tries to get out of the date but wusses out. Sensing Melody’s unhappy, Buddy invites Melody to come down to the lake and catch frogs with him (the camera shakes while he says this), which grosses Melody out. Disappointed, Buddy has to go and “shave again”. You have no facial hair, you idiot.

Melody throws up her hands again, maybe having her sole interaction with Megan (but that’s a stretch), and runs away.

Later, Buddy’s driving the Jeep…somehow. How did he get his dad’s keys? You’d think, after he was falsely accused of doing stupid shit earlier this summer, he wouldn’t pull shit like this.

Megan says she can’t wait to get her license, which means she’s at least a couple years younger than most of the gang. Buddy says he’s taking the Jeep on Friday night, and Megan immediately calls him out on his bullshit. We learn Buddy is Megan’s age (at least, according to Megan), which would make Megan 13 (Elizabeth Greenberg’s age is unknown). Megan talks Buddy out of taking the Jeep by bringing up his death at the hands of his father. Megan gets him to discuss his “relationship”, and he hates it, because he’s not being himself. He’d spent his entire month’s allowance on the tickets.

Megan tries her best to get Buddy to realize she wants his cock – without outright telling him.

Finally, she makes her desire known. She invites him to “a big miniature golf tournament in town on Friday”. Is that an actual thing? It sounds like fun to Buddy, but his “big date” with Melody is in the way. Megan goes back to the corral. Both of them are disappointed.

So’s Melody. In fact, she’s so upset that she’s changed her clothes.

Jake says Brad and Ted are really starting to smell. Melody regrets not telling Buddy the truth already. Danny repeats a common point that Melody is too nice for her own good. Jake reminds her of her “a sap no more” vow. Upset, Melody asks him what he did when he first got dumped by a girl (she assumes it’s happened). Jake reveals he gave himself a mohawk. Amused, Melody says she could picture it. He’d done it on Halloween. That year, he went treat-or-treating as “shrubbery”. Danny says, when he first got dumped, he (the “much better adjusted” person) locked himself in his room for a week to a week-and-a-half. Melody takes these examples as reasons why she can’t tell Buddy the truth. Jake says it’s just a fact of life that dumped people feel bad, and you have to minimize the pain. Danny and Jake proceed to gross Melody out, because they’re guys. Jake says she just has to tell Buddy, and she knows.

Buddy arrives, and the guys leave over Melody’s invitation to stay. She doesn’t want to be alone for this. However, Buddy insists on going first, and he breaks up with her. She calls him brave and expresses her appreciation. Buddy had sold back the concert tickets. Again, how? Melody offers Buddy back the monkey, but Buddy lets her keep it. Yay, Melody has a new humping toy. Melody hopes someday she’ll end up with a guy as nice as him (Buddy, not the monkey). Buddy starts to leave but then asks what Melody wanted to tell him. She’s at a loss for words, but he figures it out, and she silently admits it. He thanks her for letting him speak first. She calls him “really something”. He returns the compliment and leaves.

The pre-credits scene at the end, on another day, has the gang preparing for an attack.

Wrong target. How’d they mistake Mr. Ernst’s voice for their intended targets? Fortunately, Mr. Ernst doesn’t get wet.

They’re planning a “surprise shower” for Brad and Ted. Mr. Ernst loves the idea. He also shares some “great news”: the newspaper blurb had a typo; they meant to write “rugged” instead of “ragged”; they love the Bar None. So ends the subplot of the ranch beautification project. Lucy spots Brad and Ted and has everyone hide.

Raggedy Ass and Second-Rate Gilligan enter the corral and are weirded out by there being no one here.

Melody pops up and declares their bet a tie.

Poor Megan doesn’t get in on the action, perhaps a subtle way of showing the audience that she’s nothing more than a glorified extra.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was pretty good. Buddy was realistically smitten and delusional for a teen in love. Melody felt too indecisive after initially wanted to tell Buddy the truth, though. I guess she doesn’t have much experience in this area, considering she hardly dates, despite the episode’s insistence to the contrary.

The episode felt crowded, too. With two subplots taking up the time (and “pretty up the ranch” and “bet with no stakes” are such thrilling subplots), the main plot felt more like a third subplot than an actual main plot, taking up less than fifteen minutes of story time.

Also, I wish Megan had been made a main character in order to balance things out. I don’t know what the point was of introducing her and then not using her again. We don’t even learn if she ends up going out with Buddy or not. She didn’t even get a bed of her own in the girls’ bunk house. Even Amy got a bed for the brief time that she worked the ranch, but maybe Melody pulled some strings in that case, or maybe it was because the ranch was busy and perhaps therefore full. Since we now know there’s no more to the girls’ bunk house than what we see (and, despite Melody’s claim, no one lives there but her and Brad), I’m guessing the extras (Betty, Jodie, Lauri, Steve, etc.) are assigned to guest rooms free of charge. I guess that’s where Megan stays, too. Maybe she’ll show up in the background in the remaining episodes, but I doubt it. Seriously, what the fuck?

It’s the final countdown!: 4

Season 5, Episode 08: Presumed Stupid

A few notes before I get into this episode:

My computer has been acting wonky again recently. Last Wednesday, while I was finishing up the previous review, it did that thing where the screen would become slightly pixelated, and everything froze. It might or might not occur after rebooting, and the length of time until it happened varied. On Thursday, there was no problem at all. On Friday, it started happening again, and there were times when I couldn’t even get the computer started at all (not even the Gateway logo would come up). It’s been fine since Saturday. I have no idea what’s going on nor why this seemingly random problem shows up every so often (“every so often” meaning “completely randomly”). Just be aware that my comp could theoretically give out at any time, but it might not.

On Friday, my job at work changed. It wasn’t my idea. It came from on high (meaning a visitor to the store that didn’t like me on Wednesday). Instead of my old job (taking care of the self-checkout area), I’m now stocking “consumables” (dry grocery, pet, pharmacy), and my hours have changed. This will require me going to sleep earlier on some nights, but I hope this won’t interfere with this blog. Also, I have no idea how well that I’ll do in my job. Just keep in mind that I’m living in “uncertain times” now.

Finally, I’ve reached a big milestone with this blog: I’m on the final disc of the DVD set. The end is literally in sight. This makes me kind of sad. I do have an idea for what I want to do next, but I’m gonna wait to share it.

On to this week’s episode:

Writer: Judy Spencer
Director: Ross K. Bagwell, Jr.
Original air date: July 26, 1991

This episode has a 1991 copyright.

This is the first episode in what I call the “Brad trilogy” – a series of three female-written episodes that focus on Brad, whether in the main plot or in a subplot.

In the cold open, Mr. Ernst is arguing with various parts as he pulls them out of the Jeep in a poorly-considered attempt to fix it himself in order to save some cash.

Ted comes by, asking for an advance on his pay, which is apparently a regular habit for him despite the fact that it’s never been seen nor mentioned before.

This time, it’s for something really important, though: a super-awesome “cassette player” (that also plays CDs, so…boombox?) that’s on sale for this week only. Mr. Ernst says he’s trying to tighten the Bar None budget, so he can afford to keep making improvements on the ranch. He says this while continuing to suck ass at fixing the Jeep.

Ted and Mr. Ernst debate this for a bit. Mr. Ernst starts the Jeep and believes he’s proved his point, but…

Yeah, the Jeep takes off on its own (somehow), prompting laughter from Ted.

After the credits, on the next day (I guess), Ted is out of it at breakfast or lunch (could be either).

Jake and Buddy are on a Sherlock Holmes kick (as were all teens in the 1990s) in this episode. This is their subplot, I guess, if you could call it a subplot. Brad doesn’t mind, because it’s “better than Danny’s Three Stooges kick” (which Danny takes offense to).

Brad and Danny ask Ted what’s bothering him. This was probably his intent, because he instantly whips out a sales ad and shows off the “cassette player”, which Brad finds merely “nice”.

Ted proceeds to blow Brad’s mind (not really, but her reaction is perfect) with details about “this fine piece of machinery”.

Melody comes by with mail for Danny, Brad, and Jake. She finds the “cassette player” “nice” (I hear someone else talking while she says this, but it’s unclear who), so Ted sets her straight.

Ted asks for a loan, but Melody, Jake, and Danny are “broke”.

Brad, however, got $50 in “birthday” money from her well-meaning grandmother that never remembers when her birthday is. As it turns out, this is the exact amount that Ted needs to have enough money for his “cassette player”. Ted is relentless, and Brad quickly heads to the corral, where Young Buckaroos are waiting for her. Ted forcefully trades jobs with Danny, so he can work in the corral and be near Brad. Brad runs away, and Ted gives chase.

Melody has a bad feeling about this. Jake guesses Brad might break down and loan Ted the money, but Melody knows better than that.

At the corral, some kids are learning how to rope.

Brad makes it clear to Ted that she’s not lending him her birthday money. This “jump to conclusions” “shocks” and “insults” Ted. But then Ted gets all metaphysical, claiming “some strange force” is pulling them together, and “this cassette player is [their] destiny”.

Brad says she’s seen problems when one friend lends another friend money. Wait, wait, wait. Brad’s seen this happen? Where? At her preppy all-girls school in Grosse Pointe (that bastion of poverty)?

Stacy is ready for her lesson, which pleases Brad.

Stacy informs Ted that Tuesday is her birthday. She’s gonna have a big party with balloons, some cake, and a “real birthday fairy”.

Ted and Brad get into it some more regarding the money. Basically, Ted McGriff never gives up, and Bradley Taylor never gives in.

Stacy invites Ted to her party. He seems amused but then seems to actually consider it.

Stacy is played by Stacy Linn Ramsower in her final of four appearances on “Hey Dude”. She first played the character of Stacy in “Our Little Champion” (season 2, episode 03):

I suppose she’s reprising that role here (or, at least, she might as well be).

She next played Noelle in “Bar None Babysitter” (season 2, episode 11):

She had much more to do as that character, and I wish she’d reprised her role as Noelle here (particularly due to the Ted connection).

She next played an unnamed character (which could be either Stacy or Noelle) in “Ex-Static” (season 3, episode 08):

That evening, most of the gang is getting ready to play Monopoly in the main lodge. Jake invites Brad to join (after Brad is assured Ted isn’t here). Brad’s favorite token seems to be the racing car. Buddy’s upset, because he’s always the shoe.

Brad is looking forward to a “nice, relaxing game of Monopoly” after the day that she’s had. Melody is surprised Brad’s still carrying around her birthday money and tells her to put it away before she loses it. So Brad took the money out riding with her? Anyway, Brad hasn’t had time, because she’s been avoiding Ted all day. Really? She couldn’t just shove it in her pocket? Or ask Mr. Ernst to put it in the safe or something?

Ted comes by, and Brad tells him to go away. Ted claims he will not bother her about the money anymore but then tries to use reverse psychology on her. Melody wants to play and has Brad be the bank.

After some more arguing, the lamps go on the fritz. Melody blames Mr. Ernst, who was “fixing” it. Mr. Ernst adds he fixed it twice and personally rewired every lamp in the lodge. He blames Ted. Mr. Ernst fiddles with one of the lamps, and all of them go out. He says he’ll have it fixed “in a second” (he doesn’t). Buddy starts a fight with Brad over the race car. Ted holds up the Monopoly box for everyone to put the game away.

Mr. Ernst sets a lantern down for the teens and goes to check the fuse box.

Ted suggests calling it a night. Danny objects, but Melody agrees. Jake suggests telling ghost stories, but no one wants to do it (and are pretty adamant about it, which surprises Jake).

Brad realizes her money is gone, and Melody admonishes her for not putting it away. Brad blames Ted for following her around all day. Ted goes off on Brad. Buddy suggests the money’s stolen, and Melody rolls her eyes at this. Brad doesn’t buy it either. Ted suggests calling it a night (again), saying they won’t find anything now, and he’ll get up at “the crack of dawn” to help them search for the money. He quickly leaves. Brad agrees. Everyone leaves, Melody assuring Brad.

Despite agreeing with Ted to call it a night, Brad stays behind and searches.

The next day, neither Brad nor Melody have found Brad’s missing money, but Melody hasn’t given up. Brad has, because they’ve “looked everywhere”. She says it wasn’t in the lodge this morning, and, since then, they’ve “been over every square-inch of the ranch”. Really? That seems a bit excessive. It obviously went missing in the main lodge. Melody has to take towels to the pool but promises to help Brad look later. Brad thanks her.

Suddenly, Brad turns around and notices something:

Ted has bought his dream “cassette player” and is showing off the features (outside, where it’s exposed to the elements) to Jake and Buddy. He blares the royalty-free rock muzak.

Brad comes by. Ted asks her about her money and then is like “Tough shit.” Brad shuts off the muzak and questions Ted about where he got the money for the “cassette player”. Ted is evasive. Brad all but accuses him of stealing her money. Ted is upset. Jake tries to stop this, but Ted calls Brad out on her accusation, and she can’t say anything, because he’s right.

After the commercial break, there’s a bit of a continuity error. Before the break, Ted had taken off his left glove and thrown it to the ground. He then started taking off his right glove. After the break, his left glove is still off, but he’s holding it in his hand again, and then he puts it back on – the exact opposite situation of what he was doing before the break. I guess you could say there are a few seconds that we didn’t see during the break, during which Ted thought “Hmmm, do I really wanna take off both gloves? Nah, I think I’ve adequately shown my anger.” So then he picked up the first glove to put it back on.

Anyway, Brad makes her case, which is circumstantial. Jake seems to take Brad’s side. Buddy tries to take Ted’s side but fails to come up with an alternate explanation.

Brad and Ted continue to argue, but Ted refuses to divulge the source of his money. Both of them question their friendship, and Brad angrily leaves.

Ted goes off on Brad, but Jake urges calm – to no avail. Jake and Buddy argue over it, Buddy being on Ted’s side and Jake seemingly being on Brad’s side. Ted is upset at Jake, but Jake says he knows Ted didn’t do it. Both Ted and Buddy are surprised. Jake explains it to “Watson”: Ted lacks the cunning, ingenuity, and careful planning required to steal Brad’s money. Ted’s offended. Jake tells Buddy that they have to figure out where Ted’s money came from and why it’s such a big secret (this aspect of the investigation is never mentioned again). Surprisingly (for this series), Ted overhears this and says it’s none of his business. Buddy guesses Ted did take Brad’s money. Ted surprisingly overhears this as well.

Jake takes Buddy aside and tells him that “the game is afoot”. Buddy’s confused, and Jake struggles to explain what it means. It seems Jake’s the one that got Buddy into Sherlock Holmes. For those of you that are curious, the specific case that Jake refers to is “The Adventure of the Abbey Grange“.

Jake tells Buddy to get his magnifying glass, because weak cosplay they’re going to work. After they leave, Ted blares the muzak, which goes into the next scene for a bit, acting as musical score.

Jake and Buddy go to question Brad, who claims she doesn’t think Ted took her money, saying Ted just made her lose her temper, and she said some “stupid things”. Brad is still puzzled by Ted’s secrecy regarding the source of his money.

This doesn’t bother Melody, because, according to her, Ted’s always behaving nonsensibly.

The girls agree to answer questions. “Holmes” is upset that “Watson” questions the girls. Anyway, Buddy had asked the girls where they were on Thursday evening (so this is Friday). This means this scene occurs 8 days after the previous episode, so the teens have only 10 days left at the ranch for the summer. I think some of the upcoming episodes might have to be squeezed into the one-week gap between this episode and the previous one. Either that or move last week’s episode down toward the end of the series.

After a bit of questioning from Jake, it’s established Ted sat next to Brad during the Monopoly game, which Brad somehow hadn’t remembered, despite Ted pestering her. Motive and opportunity being established, Jake cautions Brad against concluding Ted took her money. Melody says, if Ted had done it, he wouldn’t have helped to search the lodge this morning, because he’s “just not that devious”. Buddy points out that Ted wasn’t there (which Melody had somehow forgotten); he left the bunk in a big hurry this morning and wouldn’t say where he was going. So Buddy’s still sleeping in the boys’ bunk house? He doesn’t say that, and it’s possible that he saw Ted leaving from the outside, but I just thought I’d bring it up.

Anyway, Brad concludes “that little rat” went to spend her money. Melody, in shock, exclaims “I don’t believe this! Ted did do it!” Brad doesn’t believe she was even thinking of apologizing to him, and she says he’s lucky if she ever talks to him again. Melody seconds that. The girls leave.

Really, though, all that they have so far is a bunch of circumstantial evidence.

Jake tells them to calm down. Buddy gets sarcastic about Ted’s innocence, but Jake wants to go and talk to Danny. He believes Buddy influenced the girls, so he wants to do all of the talking, saying it’s always best to not lead people to any conclusions.

Cue Jake laying out all of the circumstantial evidence and then telling Danny to ignore it. Ha.

Jake decides to “examine a criminal’s psychological profile, which will prove Ted’s innocence”. A bit of music comes on while Jake does this. I don’t think it’s musical score; it’s way too short. Anyway, Jake convinces himself that Ted did it.

Ted comes by, having changed his pants, and the other guys abandon him.

The next day (Saturday), the gang’s gossiping about Ted while getting ready to paint a boat.

Mr. Ernst comes by with a can of paint called Fluorescent Flamingo. Brad suggests it’s a bit loud for the boat, but Mr. Ernst wants just the trim of the boats and canoes painted, which should take them a couple of hours. And just who, exactly, is doing their regular work (he didn’t pull them off their free time, did he?) while they’re toiling away on yet another one of his stupid ideas? Betty, Jodie, Lauri, and Steve?

Mr. Ernst tells them to get started and leaves to get more paint. Melody suggests telling Mr. Ernst, so he can talk to Ted, but Jake and Brad don’t think it’ll do any good.

Ted comes by, apologizing for being late. He asks for the work assignment, but everyone gives him the silent treatment.

Ted blasts the rock muzak on his boombox and starts painting the boat “this stupid shade of pink”. Melody tries to warn Ted, but Brad stops her.

Mr. Ernst comes by and is upset at Ted for painting the entire boat. He tries to shut off the muzak, and Ted does it. Mr. Ernst explains he wanted just the trim painted. Ted reveals nobody told him, because they’re not speaking to him. Mr. Ernst demands an explanation, but nobody says anything. Mr. Ernst decides it’s up to them to solve the problem. Why isn’t Ted speaking up?

Brad finally reveals they don’t trust Ted. Mr. Ernst says he’d have to let Ted go in that case (anyone wanna clue me in on the legality of this?), unless Ted wants Mr. Ernst to get involved. Ted doesn’t. Mr. Ernst leaves the decision to the rest of the teens, which I’m pretty fucking sure is illegal. He wants the decision by the end of the day. He tells them to get the boat cleaned up and get the trim painted, and he leaves.

Ted tries to talk to Brad, but she doesn’t wanna hear it.

Later, Ted’s jury convenes in the main lodge, and the debate gets heated. Brad demands they fire Ted.

Melody isn’t sure. Danny and Buddy believe Brad’s being “a little drastic”. Brad counters by saying Ted’s next step will be to murder them in their sleep. What the fuck? Is she for real?

Jake decides on a secret vote – to not influence each other nor know each other’s vote – and sends Buddy to get pencils and paper. Brad makes her vote known loud and clear – twice more.

Ted comes by, greets his “judge and jury”, and says he’ll be in the bunk. Melody asks him to say something in his defense.

Ted gives a speech about friendship and trust, which is actually pretty good. Look for Melody to very slightly nod in agreement as he speaks. Nice touch. He tells them to have their vote, and he’ll accept their decision, because he doesn’t want to be here if they don’t trust him.

Before we get to that, though, who’s that blonde girl working the front desk? It’s not Betty. Did they add yet minor female staff member?

The jury votes (include Buddy, who’s not an employee, but whatever), and they pass the votes down to Buddy.

Ted is unanimously declared not guilty.

Well, Brad wrote “Not guilty by reason of extreme stupidity.” Ted thanks her. Brad tries to claim “it coulda been anyone”, which nobody buys. Danny apologizes. Melody agrees with what Ted said without technically apologizing, but she does ask him if he accepts the apology. He does. Buddy claims he never doubted Ted for a second, but Jake calls him out on his bullshit.

Brad awkwardly tries to apologize, but Ted helps her out by saying “I know.”

Danny wants to finish up the Monopoly game, and almost everyone agrees, but Ted quickly excuses himself to go to an “appointment”. Brad starts to ask about it but then just wishes him a great time. Melody says it’s a “gorgeous day” and suggests taking the game outside. The others agree. Buddy calls dibs on the race car.

Later, the gang’s deep in an exciting game of Monopoly.

Stacy and some Young Buckaroos come back from Stacy’s birthday party and head into the main lodge. Stacy says goodbye to the “birthday fairy”, who gave her the “best party” that she “ever had”.

K. C. Yasmer, Beah Williams, Katherine Hansen, and Treye Konrath reprise their roles as Young Buckaroos (four of the seven, actually) from “Lost in the Desert” (season 4, episode 07):

Yeah, Ted’s the birthday fairy. This was his “appointment”. The gang has a good laugh at him. Brad demands Ted come over to them right fucking now.

Ted explains Stacy’s mother hired him to perform at her birthday party (paying him in advance to ensure he showed up). Wait. Stacy mentioned the birthday fairy to Ted and then invited him to the party. Did her mother not have anyone set to fill this role yet? Wow, she sure is lucky that Ted just happened to be told of this party and was desperate enough for money to take this job. Otherwise, Stacy would have been very sad, and her mother would have had some serious explaining to do. You could say being the birthday fairy was Ted’s destiny.

Ted refers to himself as “the first birthday fairy to have her wings clipped or something”.

Brad realizes this is where Ted got the $50. *headdesk* Don’t Brad and the others remember Ted doing odd jobs for the guests when he desperately wanted John Wayne’s saddle last summer? Why didn’t they conclude he did something similar this time? Ted shares part of the blame, though. He should have simply said “I did an odd job for a guest” instead of being needlessly evasive. Also, why was he in such a hurry to call off the search for the money last night? Was it simply bad timing? Or maybe he wanted to get to bed early, so he could have enough sleep to wake up early and head to the store before work.

Danny and Brad make fun of Ted, and the gang ensures him that he’ll never hear the end of this. He wants to go to change, but Buddy has him stay and be his “partner”, because he’s so far ahead in Monopoly. Buddy’s statement makes no sense. If he’s so far ahead, why does he need a partner? For that matter, since when can players in Monopoly have partners? I understand sometimes players team up to take down a tougher opponent, but that isn’t an issue here. Also, Ted can’t just jump into the middle of a game.

Danny gives Melody $200 for passing Go. Guess what Melody finds (and Danny didn’t see). Jake guesses Brad shuffled the real money into the Monopoly money during the blackout, which makes no fucking sense whatsoever, because they had stopped playing when the lights went out, and Brad had stayed behind and searched the table via lantern light.

Brad offers Ted an “Oops” instead of an “I’m sorry” (not that she, in any universe, could have shuffled a real $50 bill into the Monopoly $50 bills, but whatever).

Ted is offended. Brad says “I mean ‘Oops, Mr. Birthday Fairy’.”

Ted chases Brad. The others cheer.

The pre-credits scene at the end, on another day, has Mr. Ernst finishing his latest attempt to fix the Jeep. I had actually completely forgotten about this “subplot” since I started writing this review.

Ted cautions Melody to stand back. Mr. Ernst is insulted, sits down on the front bumper, declares the Jeep is fixed, and hits the hood twice.

The Jeep starts (somehow) and moves on its own again – backwards this time. Melody and Ted give chase. Mr. Ernst declares the Jeep is alive.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode was okay. It was nicely acted, but there were too many plot problems. Also, the title is a fucking lie. Ted was presumed guilty. Brad found him not guilty by reason of extreme stupidity.

Despite all of this, Brown and Lascher give great performances, making the most of what they’re given.

It’s the final countdown!: 5

Season 5, Episode 07: Amnesia

Writer: Paul Budra
Director: Fred K. Keller
Original air date: July 19, 1991

This episode has a 1990 copyright.

In the cold open, the girls come over to visit the guys, who are fixing the bell in the bell tower, but Ted informs them that the others are taking a break.

It seems Brad is also considering Stanford for her possible higher education. Leland Stanford Junior University is a private research university in Stanford, California. It’s also one of the world’s most prestigious institutions. It sounds like a place that Brad would attend. If she does, she and Jake can easily visit each other.

The girls brought the guys some more paint, but Ted says they already have enough. Brad says this is “special paint”.

The girls start a water balloon fight, but…

…Ted has reinforcements in the bell tower: Jake and Danny.

Mr. Ernst comes by, pissed.

What’s that that comes into frame from the left? Is that a boom mic?

Mr. Ernst is tense, because he just heard an inspector from the “Juvenile Employment Agency” is going around, making surprise inspections. According to Mr. Ernst, this agency grants licenses to employers like himself that employ teenagers. While there might be such an agency in existence (hell, it makes sense that there would be), I can’t find any evidence of one with that particular name.

Anyway, this is the episode that I’d been talking about that would cause timeline problems (although, as it turned out, last week’s episode already did that). This simply can’t be another summer, because then the teens would be legal adults, and this wouldn’t be an issue. Therefore, seasons 3-5 are officially the same summer.

Anyway, Mr. Ernst chews them out for their reckless behavior. Suddenly:

This hit on the head with a paint can gives Mr. Ernst amnesia. He doesn’t recognize the ranch or the teens. Danny climbs down. The girls and Ted help Mr. Ernst to his feet.

After the credits, the girls help Mr. Ernst over and sit him down. Brad and Ted question him, but he’s clueless. He references “Gunsmoke“, which confuses Brad, so Ted has to explain it to her. The reference worries him, so he asks Mr. Ernst for the date. Mr. Ernst says it’s Thursday, August 14, 1969. That is an accurate date (in fact, coincidentally or not, it’s the day before the beginning of Woodstock). However, before Mr. Ernst gets to the year, Ted confirms both the day of the week and the month/day. This makes the timeline really take it in the ass, because it places this episode (and thus the latter three seasons of the series) in 1997. Way to go, writer. Oh, and fuck the “Tuesday the 13th” bullshit. Just ignore it. So, yeah, 1997. I so totally buy that.

The other guys come by, Jake interrupting Ted before he can reveal anything to Mr. Ernst. In a private meeting, Jake ascertains Mr. Ernst’s age in 1969 from Buddy: 17. That actually was David Brisbin‘s age on the date in question. Jake sends Brad (because she has “the nicest smile”, which satisfies her) to ask Mr. Ernst for his age. Before he answers, he insists on being called “T-bone” (like the steak). T-bone says he’s “old enough to rock and roll”, but Brad has him be specific. Of course, he’s “17”. Brad excuses herself and reports back to the group. According to Jake’s psychology book, Mr. Ernst is suffering from partial amnesia. He’s forgotten “over twenty years”. They have to wait for him to remember and also play along, so he won’t be shocked into total amnesia. I have no idea if any of this is accurate or not (particularly Jake’s suggestion that another hit on the head might cure Mr. Ernst), but that’s what they’re going with, so they divide into shifts to protect “T-bone” from seeing anything that wasn’t around in 1969. Yeah, good luck with that.

Jake explains to T-bone that he’s got amnesia but doesn’t go into detail. T-bone thinks he’s at a summer camp, so they go with that – for all of a few seconds, after which it won’t be mentioned for the rest of the episode. Jake introduces everyone to T-bone.

Mr. Ernst gets a T-boner for Brad, which is all kinds of uncomfortable for her, but she has to play along.

Mr. Ernst wants to stick his T-bone in Melody’s porterhouse, and she doesn’t seem particularly bothered by it.

Jake has Buddy give T-bone a tour of the “ranch”. See?

Later (there’s no scene transition, just a standard cut), Buddy brings T-bone to the boys’ bunk house and quickly removes the (completely different than usual) calendar from the wall. It looks like a 1991 calendar, which contradicts the “Thursday, August 14” bit from earlier.

Buddy also covers a mirror and reveals his dad, Mr. Ernst, runs this place, which blow’s T-bone’s mind. There’s a bit where T-bone can’t figure out a Walkman. T-bone asks about “this Melody chick”, because he doesn’t want to “mow somebody else’s lawn”. Okay, I’m not up on all of the hip teen lingo of 1969, but is Mr. Ernst saying he wants to go down on Melody?

Regardless, it makes Buddy sick. Buddy feels the need to claim he and Melody are together instead of pairing her with anyone else. It’s not clear why, but it doesn’t seem like Buddy’s being opportunistic.

Buddy wants to show T-bone the ranch (they didn’t already do so?), but T-bone wants to change, so Buddy randomly gives him a shirt from a laundry basket, which likely means it’s dirty (either that or the guys didn’t put away their laundry yet). Buddy quickly leaves.

Buddy goes and updates Melody, who’s kinda-sorta working on the bell tower. Melody asks Buddy is he’s been taking steroids, that substance known for its hallucinogenic properties. Claiming he doesn’t like it either, Buddy lets her know the alternative.

T-bone arrives with a bucket full of water balloons, and Melody pretends she’s going steady with Buddy. To his credit, Buddy doesn’t take advantage of the situation.

Melody leaves, and T-bone shows Buddy the water balloons. Buddy says they have balloons stashes all over the ranch, because they’ve been having an ongoing war with the girls. For an “ongoing” war, this is the first that we’ve heard of it. It’s particularly glaring when you realize these episodes must occur much closer together than a week apart.

There’s a bit of ironic banter before the scene ends.

Later, during lunch, T-bone stalks his prey from a tree.

Meanwhile, Jake talks with that official-looking guy in the background and then asks Buddy where T-bone is. Buddy doesn’t know.

After some ironic foreshadowing by Jake, T-bone starts a water balloon fight.

Ted tries to discourage Mr. Ernst, but…

T-bone gets away. The official guy – a stuffy, proper British gentleman – demands to know who that “maniac” is. Brad says a guest, and Melody bullshits a story about him recovering from a “medical problem” here.

The pissed guy lightly shoves Brad out of the way to get his things. He addresses the “young lady” (seemingly both girls), telling them to tell their boss that a Mr. Thomas Carmichael wants to see him right fucking now. Melody guesses he’s the juvenile employment inspector, but he doesn’t want them to tell Mr. Ernst that, because he enjoys the look on employers’ faces when they realize life as they know it is over. Yeah, this guy’s a heartless asshole that enjoys watching other people suffer. Perhaps worse, he’s eager to revoke the Bar None’s juvenile license over a bad incident with a supposedly mentally disturbed guest, which is not the fault of the teenage staff. That is unless he has other, unspecified, unseen reasons for revoking the license, but the episode doesn’t indicate that – at least not right away.

Anyway, Carmichael takes pleasure in explaining what this means for the girls (why does he need to explain this?), and he suggests they write up their resumes, because they’ll be out of their jobs within the hour. Seriously, all that’s missing is the evil laugh.

Mr. Tom Carmichael is played by Bruce G. Bradley (credited on IMDb as Bruce C. Bradley). “Hey Dude” was his sole acting gig.

After the commercial break (which comes a bit early in this episode), the teens have a meeting in the boys’ bunk house. Ted mentions it being too “late in the summer” to find another job, which is true. In 1997 (or any year in which August 14 falls on a Thursday), Labor Day fell on September 1, which means the teens have 18 more days to work at the ranch – but they’re gonna fight for those 18 days, damn it!

Ted makes some jokes regarding possible jobs that he could get. He also has an “old buddy” named Roscoe, “the local overachiever”, that works at a bait shop. I can’t tell if that’s a joke or not. Also, I’m not sure which locale that Ted’s referring to, here or…wherever he lives. Melody tells Ted that at least Mr. Ernst isn’t trying to date him. That would have made for an interesting episode. Buddy envies them for having “real parents” and thinks it’s “gross” for Mr. Ernst to think of himself as Buddy’s equal. Melody points out that T-bone’s coming.

Buddy tries to bludgeon his father to death cure his father’s amnesia, but Ted prevents him, and Jake gets T-bone out of the way.

Jake has fixed the “transistor radio”, so T-bone can listen to “the new Beach Boys tape”. There wasn’t really a new Beach Boys album near August 14, 1969, but Jake might have put in the most recent one (“20/20”) or the next one (“Sunflower”). Also, if you wanna get technical, the first Beach Boys album to be released on audio cassette was “Holland” in 1973, although it’s possible that T-bone thinks he’s listening to a homemade tape copy of an earlier record.

While T-bone’s occupied, the teens have a meeting. Buddy’s upset at Jake for stopping him, and Melody’s upset at Danny for believing it’s worth the risk of killing Mr. Ernst.

Jake says someone has to play Mr. Ernst at a meeting with Mr. Carmichael. Melody points out that he’s seen all of them, but Brad guesses (with no real proof) he didn’t get a good look at Mr. Ernst and suggests Mr. Ernst play Mr. Ernst.

Later, the girls “make up” T-bone to look like Mr. Ernst. T-bone questions them about the “fat cat”, and they say he’s nice, but Jake calls him a “megalomaniac, scatter-brain, power-tripping dictator in a ten-gallon hat”. I wonder if this is how Jake really sees his uncle. Melody shakes her head at Jake in disapproval. Brad claims she and Melody do theatrical make-up. Maybe at school? Anyway, T-bone’s impressed and makes an ironic joke.

Danny and Ted arrive. Danny warns them that Mr. Carmichael is coming. Ted chews T-bone out for acting up.

The teens leave and return with Mr. Carmichael. Seriously, all of them (except Buddy, who isn’t here) leave the office and come back into the office – for no other reason except to see this:

From left to right: Jake: “Okay, how do I explain this?” Melody: “What the fuck?!” Mr. Carmichael: “Huh.” Danny: “…” Brad: “Sweet Goddess, steady my hands, lest I strangle this fucktard.”

Anyway, Melody bullshits something about sinuses.

Mr. Ernst excuses the girls and makes known that he wants to have his way with them, but it’ll have to wait until this cockblocker leaves.

Just what the guy from the juvenile employment inspector needs to hear, right?

The teens leave.

Before Mr. Carmichael can mention the “rather disturbing” things that he’s “uncovered”, T-bone offers him booze, guessing he “hits the bottle” (even though T-bone totally doesn’t). Mr. Ernst lusts over that “fox”, Melody. Just what the juvenile employment inspector needs to hear, right? T-bone also offers to put in a good word for him with that “tomato”, Brad. T-bone adds it’s a “stupid name for a girl”. Really, though, I kinda like it.

T-bone makes some more banter and then fists himself:

Mr. Carmichael leaves (even angrily saying “Good day, sir”), and T-bone gets in a parting “zinger”.

Ha.

The gang’s pissed, but T-bone doesn’t see a problem.

The gang catches up with Mr. Carmichael, who wants to save them from this “morally reprehensible” situation. Jake tells him the truth, but he doesn’t buy it and leaves. Ted asks if he bought it, and Melody lightly slaps him on the arm.

Brad wishes Mr. Ernst was back. Buddy says nice things about his dad. Melody goes off about T-bone, and Ted piles on. However:

T-bone runs away, hurt, by going upstairs. Characters sometimes enter or leave the main lodge via this staircase, but it’s never explained how. We know Mr. Ernst’s unseen bedroom and bathroom are up there, but is there also some staircase that leads down to a back exit?

Brad prompts, and Buddy volunteers to go after T-bone. The rest of the gang wonders what to do. Ted seems to be the only one that hasn’t given up hope and rallies the troops. Jake suggests doing “something desperate”.

Whatever it is, it’s on!

The girls are unconvinced.

Buddy searches for T-bone and finds him in the bell tower.

Buddy and T-bone have a heart-to-heart talk. Buddy says the ranch will probably be closed, because…drama? Seriously, the ranch employs more than just teenagers. They talk about ranch life and Mr. Ernst, who’s “out of town”. T-bone wants to grow up to be just like Mr. Ernst. Buddy predicts he will be – as well as a “very successful accountant”, which T-bone laughs at. T-bone wants to live out here on a ranch.

So the gang’s plan is to…kidnap Mr. Carmichael and…make off with him in a wheelbarrow? What the fuck? What do they hope to accomplish?

T-bone pretends to be a very stern Mr. Ernst. He admonishes his staff.

T-bone comes down from the bell tower, gives the teens some tasks to do, and then bullshits a story (which confuses even Jake, Brad, and Danny) about how he thinks Mr. Carmichael is an applicant for the “assistant manager” position, and they were just “testing” him. He’s “shocked” to learn who Mr. Carmichael really is, because his staff didn’t tell him (which Mr. Carmichael accepts the blame for).

Mr. Carmichael is flattered, and this “revelation” makes him reevaluate everything. He goes off to write up his report. Ted asks him about them losing their jobs, and he assures the “dear boy” that their jobs are safe.

The teens seem to think Mr. Ernst has regained his memory, but he was just faking (a little too well, I think, although he could have been basing his performance on his father, who has a similar personality), much to the teens’ disappointment.

T-bone seems to call Ted “Dan” and shakes him, which also shakes the ladder. A paint can falls from the bell tower, and we’re momentarily led to believe it’ll hit Mr. Ernst on the head, and he’ll regain his memory.

But, no, he catches it. Brad says something that I can’t understand. T-bone compares himself to Willie Mays. Then:

Yeah, T-bone telling Jake to rake the area was just an excuse for the rake to be left on the ground, so T-bone could step on it, which would then startle him into walking head-first into the wall, which makes him regain his memory. Okay.

The gang is happy, but Mr. Ernst is very confused.

The pre-credits scene at the end, taking place soon after, has Mr. Ernst recovering. Ted asks Mr. Ernst for the year, but Mr. Ernst makes a joke about Ted being behind on his chores instead of answering him, which is just as well, because that might have fucked up the timeline even further. Mr. Ernst relates “the strangest dream” to the gang. He gets a funny feeling about Buddy and Melody and questions them about it.

Melody dicks with him, claiming they’re getting married. Mr. Ernst freaks out, but Melody admits she’s just kidding, much to Mr. Ernst’s relief.

Mr. Ernst starts to remember something else, and…

Mr. Ernst lifts the ban on water balloon fights for fifteen minutes.

So ends another day at the Bar None.

This episode runs a bit shorter than normal as far as story time is concerned – about 17 seconds shorter than the previous episode, for example.

This episode was pretty funny, but it also has some heart to it. The father/son dynamic was explored again. David Brisbin got to act really crazy, and it looked like he was enjoying himself.

I find it hard to believe that Mr. Ernst was a poon-hounding hippie named T-bone, though. It doesn’t really fit in with what we’ve already learned of his childhood, which is basically “neeeeeerd!!!” Maybe he was a wannabe hippie and got his ass kicked by a lot of girls.

It’s the final countdown!: 6